


Sleepwalker

by SlashAddx



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Nightmares, Requited Unrequited Love, Sexual Tension, Sibling Incest, Sleepwalking, Slow Build, Vampires/Humans, Versatile Damon, Versatile Stefan, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-06-03 04:25:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 47
Words: 74,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6596575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlashAddx/pseuds/SlashAddx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are changing between the Salvatores. Damon is losing sleep over Stefan and Elena's relationship. Stefan just wants his brother back. Can they find a new end to an old beginning?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Story You May Know

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Story takes place in early seasons, but no Originals. There are a few mixed pairings, but ultimately, it’s about Damon and Stefan. Banner art also photoshopped by me. Chapters posted more often now thanks to BroodyCheery323 and her amazing beta work! Song titles are linked to the playlist for each chapter.

_To die, to sleep—_  
_No more—and by a sleep to say we end_  
_The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks_  
_That flesh is heir to. 'tis a consummation (70)_  
_Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep—_  
_To sleep—perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub!_  
_For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,_  
_When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,_  
_Must give us pause—there's the respect (75)  
_ _That makes calamity of so long life._  
[Hamlet ACT III Scene 1](https://youtu.be/SjuZq-8PUw0?list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Damon came back for a reason.

Getting involved with Stefan's love life wasn't supposed to be part of it. Well,  _involved_ wasn't exactly the word. It was simpler to say Damon was watching from afar and occasionally throwing in a plot twist. Not that anyone asked.

It had only been a few months of quiet observation really. Stefan hadn't made a move after saving the girl, which gave Damon time to watch them both.

Elena was remarkable. A dead-ringer for Katherine except for the visible heartache. She carried all her pain out in the open where people could fix it, instead of locked down, infecting from the inside. He could appreciate the difference as well as Stefan.

That's why Damon wasn't surprised when Stefan eventually signed himself up for high school. Though, reducing himself to a student instead of coming in as a substitute teacher or something seemed a bit obscene.

It was probably a fair point that Elena wouldn't get mixed up in the rule breaking needed for getting involved with an instructor. Would have been less of a pain in the ass for Stefan to not have to fully commit to the plight of teenagers if he had gone the older route though. But Stefan never picked the easy way.

Damon followed them into the woods the night school started. The booze and bonfire tradition only seemed to happen in clichéd high school movies. But clichés were practically grounds for every annual event in Mystic Falls, so he couldn't really begrudge them this one. No one else seemed to mind. The surrounding teenagers didn't pay any attention to him lurking in the shadows, which gave him the opportunity to get a closer look at his brother and the girl. He saw the intensity in Stefan's eyes as his brother soaked up every word she spoke, hungry to soothe and devour at the same time. It was a look Damon had seen before, but never mixed with so much restraint.

Fuck. Stefan was  _trying_.

Then Stefan touched her hand, such an innocent meaningless touch and Damon's vision hazed and his body went rigid with a feeling he couldn't describe. He hadn't even realized he cared. There was something different about her, other than the familiar face, something more that Damon desperately wanted to understand.

Damon was frantic for a distraction by the time he came across some girl in the outskirts of the clearing. She made the mistake of isolating herself from the herd of wasted teenagers. How could he resist such a tempting opportunity? Damon slipped further into the woods, luring the girl to follow him.

It was time Stefan knew he'd arrived.

* * *

Stefan went on the defensive immediately.

Damon used that and focused on scaring Elena away.

It didn't work until Elena found out the truth about what they were. A few people died for her to get it. Damon thought that was the end.

Too soon, Elena got over it and forgave them the deaths in the town. It was like she didn't care about any of the kids she went to school with except her exclusive group of friends and her brother. Or at least, forgave Stefan. It was only Damon's work she held a grudge against.

With each tale of their violent past, Elena drew closer to Stefan while Damon became more despondent. He tried to interfere, a dozen girls and half as many boys strewn about the town in a matter of months, but still Elena didn't run screaming. It didn't bode well that Elena could smile and react so well to Damon's charms, then turn around and complain to Stefan in the same breath. And while Stefan made his half-hearted attempts to get rid of Damon, they were so pitiful Damon figured there was no real intention behind them. A few days locked up without feeding wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

Damon picked up his pursuit— _his distraction_ —of his mission to get Katherine back. Turned out she had other plans. The very idea of her came and went so quickly Damon had nothing left but watching Stefan and Elena again. A few more people died.

He tried picking Elena up eventually. Just to piss Stefan off at first, but then, well… It was interesting, if she was going to be so understanding, it'd be nice if he could have a little of that directed his way. But it would always be Stefan for her, the same way it was for Katherine.

Elena's parents were gone, then her aunt was gone, and her new guardian was some teacher she picked up at school. Her brother ran to Colorado because he couldn't take the madness anymore. She seemed unfazed. Even after all her friends became supernatural creatures, it was only Damon she considered a monster, which made Stefan push Damon away even more.

That didn't help the growing ache inside Damon. The need his brother had for someone to push him, to look after him, was a need Damon had been born to fill. Stefan kept himself weak, trying to play human, so Damon had to be that much stronger. He'd never had so many opportunities to provide protection for his little brother than in the mayhem that surrounded Elena.

If there was a moment Damon could point to that changed everything, that transformed his reluctant tolerance of the girl to pure contempt, it would be seeing them together in Stefan's room one boring night. For once, no one's life was at major risk, there was no one immediately out to get anyone. The two were laughing about something, and Damon was hypnotized to the door by the strange sound. Elena painted her toenails on the bed with Stefan lying beside her. They were fully dressed on top of the blankets. They weren't touching, but there wasn't any space between them either. Then Stefan looked up, his smile warming as he saw Damon standing in the doorway. His easy open face seemed to invite Damon into their normal world. As if there could be actual room for him there.

An aching  _hotcoldhotcoldhotcold_  feeling flooded his system. Damon was stuck. It was like pure panic built on pure hatred, the overwhelming urge to rip out her throat, not for blood, but protection.

"Damon?"

His brother's voice snapped him out of his anxiety attack long enough for Damon to turn around and be out the front door before he decided where he was going. Drinking sounded good. Drinking sounded fucking great. He couldn't explain this hot dark feeling filling him up but he didn't like it. Stefan's defenses were down too low; he was too vulnerable to Elena's influence. She was an island of chaos disguised as normality in their otherwise constant sea of destruction. Stefan was going to get his fill before drowning in it, and Damon was going to dive in right after him like usual. Because vampires didn't get peace the way humans do. There's only one kind of peace they were finally allowed.

His face had gone black standing at the door. The insane urge to pick Stefan up and carry him out, away from her, was hard to fight even though Damon was already miles away running towards town.

In a rush of clarity Damon saw it.

_Elena was going to change everything._


	2. Slices of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their gaze met long enough for Damon to see the light in his brother's eyes. There was a contentedness Damon never remembered feeling. The bewildering rolling in his gut making it seem more out of reach than ever.

"Sleep, those little slices of death – how I loathe them."  
[Edgar Allen Poe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rw7aMVvPDmc&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=2)

* * *

The front door eased open as Damon stepped inside the boarding house. It was still early, or at least, there was still light out, but Damon felt like he had been awake for days avoiding the place. A change of clothes and a glass of his own scotch was his only resolve to finally head home.

"Damon?" Stefan's surprised voice called from the study. Damon blinked slowly and followed his brother's call. "Where have you been?"

"Out."

Stefan closed his journal and leaned back in his chair. "Yeah, I can tell. I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks."

Damon kept his jacket on and tucked his car keys into the pocket. After a moment's hesitation, he walked across from the desk and dropped onto the couch. "Is that right? You couldn't have missed me much."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

What did it mean? Damon shrugged, heavy eyes not moving from the fireplace. "You seem to have your hands full lately. I'm surprised you noticed." He wanted to smack himself in the face, but that involved movement he didn't have the energy for. Could he be any more petulant? He looked up to see if Stefan was as baffled by his behavior as he was, but instead Stefan had a small guarded smile.

"Yeah I guess."

Shit, that was worse.

Their gaze met long enough for Damon to see the light in his brother's eyes. There was a contentedness Damon never remembered feeling. The bewildering rolling in his gut making it seem more out of reach than ever.

"Where've you been?" Stefan repeated.

Damon tipped his head back against the couch, closing his eyes.

"Out."

"So you said."

Stefan's calmness only irked Damon more.

"What does it matter?"

"I was wondering if you'd say goodbye this time."

Head falling forward to face the fire, Damon's eyes slid open slowly. "Am I going somewhere?" He knew full well what his brother meant. Damon had a propensity for disappearing, sometimes days, sometimes decades at a time out of Stefan's sight. It was the curse of the aimless.

"I never know until you're gone," Stefan said quietly, rising from behind the desk and walking over to the couch.

Seeing Stefan walking closer out of the corner of his eye made the room rush down around Damon. Blinking rapidly he realized he was standing before he had planned on getting up. Stefan stalled with a crease in his brow.

"I'm going upstairs." He rubbed his thumb and forefinger against his eyelids until all he saw were stars. The scotch would have to wait.

"Wait," Stefan blurted. The second Damon looked at him, Stefan shuffled back. "I thought you'd really left. Can't you stick around a little while?" Sounding hesitant, but also a little desperate, which pleased something dark and mean inside Damon.

He smirked and crossed his arms over his chest. "Now, now, now, brother, you know once you get me talking, you never like what you hear." He stepped forward, closing some of the distance between them. "If you really want to know what I've been up to the last few nights, pay attention to the news. I'm sure my best work has been splashed across the screen, or at least check the obituary." His stomach rolled and churned at the disappointment washing over Stefan's face, but he quickly switched it off. It wasn't the time for that. "Although I have made one new friend recently."

Wary, Stefan's hands clasped to fiddle with his ring in his newest nervous gesture.

"Don't you want to know? I call him Ric, but it's short for something, I forget." He tapped his chin, faking confusion. He waited till recognition flickered in Stefan's eyes, and wariness sputtered to panic. "Oh that's right." He pointed one long finger back to Stefan. "You know him too. Elena's guardian, Alaric. Interesting cache of tools he's working with."

"Damon, if you hurt him," Stefan's shaky threat was cut off by a knock at the door.

They both turned toward it, glaring at the interruption. Damon's nostrils flared to trace the scent, while Stefan's head tipped to listen. He quickly spun back to Damon, panic doubled.

"Relax, little brother. I've no plans on ruining anyone's life today." He reached forward to pat Stefan's shoulder before noticing and pulling his hand back before making contact. Instead he turned and walked toward the stairs. "Don't leave her standing on the porch all alone. She'll think you uncouth."

Lurching toward the door, Stefan stopped and looked back toward Damon, hand resting on the door handle.

"What are you going to do?"

It was annoying how calm Stefan tried to remain. What a waste of control. Damon rubbed the back of his neck, still walking up the stairs at an unhurried human speed. "To sleep, if that's okay. I'm guessing your company is staying the night, so I'm hoping to be out before your pained moans and erratic grunts keep me up again." For full affect, he stopped at the top of the stairs and winked as Stefan stared at him. "You two crazy kids have a good night."

* * *

A red-hot burning that felt a lot like embarrassment prickled Stefan's skin as he yanked the door open.

"What?" He grumbled at Elena's surprise.

Elena blinked wide, pulling back a moment before Stefan took her hand.

"I'm so sorry. I just had a..." immediately repentant, he pointed behind him towards the stairs and gestured vaguely, hoping she'd get it.

"He's back?" Elena guessed, smiling with understanding.

"Yeah." Stefan offered a reassuring smile, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "Come in." He took her hand and led her back to the study.

* * *

Weeks of listening to Stefan and Elena's whispered conversations weren't making anything easier. But this was his house too, dammit. He wasn't going to keep avoiding home in order to elude whatever this feeling was.

To stop himself from pacing, he fell into bed. Just a little nap. He just needed a moment to rest his eyes in his own damn room. Maybe he wouldn't instantly regret it this time. He was having enough trouble keeping his thoughts at bay when he was awake. The moments before he fell asleep he couldn't hold that switch down anymore and the visions flooded in.

Unfiltered, he could see himself slip back down the stairs. How easy it would be to slide between Stefan and Elena. To command the attention he wanted, that Stefan wanted to give him. He would ignore her until she faded away. They could be brothers again. He would talk to Stefan, really talk, the way Stefan wanted to, without threat or malice.

To talk about what was going on inside him. Find out if Stefan ever felt it too.

He rolled over, pulling the pillow over his face in an attempt to drown out the soft voices downstairs.

It was too easy to picture her smile, the one that warmed his brother's eyes and made him offer shy smiles in return. To see Stefan touch her cheek, making her look up at him through her eyelashes.

Damon tried to convince himself it was her eyes he felt so drawn to. The replica of the face he first fell in love with. Yet, in the place between wake and sleep, he couldn't ignore it was green eyes he imagined staring back at him. The eyes of the little kid who used to look up to him, who watched his every move, whose entire face lit up when Damon was around. The damn girl was a shadow of a former life he no longer gave a shit about.

* * *

"Okay, let's take a break. Enough studying for one night." Elena pushed her book and highlighter off her lap.

Smiling hesitantly Stefan set his book aside also. "What kind of break did you have in mind?"

With a coy smile, she grabbed Stefan's hand. "Oh, I don't know. What do you think?"

Stefan eyed the textbooks one more time. She really needed the extra study time if she was going to stop confusing the Pantheon with the Parthenon. Then again, sex. At least, he was pretty sure that was what she was alluding to. He laughed softly, letting Elena pull him to his feet. "I'm sure we can come up with something in my room?"

* * *

Damon tried to stretch out of the ball he was curled into. It was just fucking. He heard Stefan have sex so many times. It really wasn't a big deal. It wasn't. Really.

He needed to get out of the house.

His eyes were so heavy though. He tried to pick his head up from under his pillow but his body wasn't cooperating. With a sigh he settled again. The bedding leeched its warmth from his tepid body heat as well as every ounce of energy.

Elena's not-distant-enough moan of pleasure made Damon's mouth dry. He had to get out but it looked like that wasn't going to happen. He was so tired.

What the  _fuck_  was going on?

His body flinched and his eyes fell closed.

* * *

There were footsteps in the hallway.

Light shuffles somewhere outside his door, quiet but not devious. But Elena was warm against him; fingers stretching over Stefan's side and Damon was always up to something. Sleep pulled heavily at Stefan's consciousness and it was forgotten by morning.


	3. Down Like the Setting Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing his little brother happy made him equally proud and sick and he wasn't getting any closer as to why.

We've had a lot of good times brother  
I've known you all my life  
Mixing blood and drugs and women  
In your journey to the endless night  
[When the Bomb Drops – Primal Scream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGxxb8Z9JQ4&index=3&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

There were moments, Stefan couldn't be sure, but he could swear Damon was up to something. Something new and troubling. He didn't know what to make of the intense gaze he sometimes found himself on the other end of.

But then he had Elena to distract him.

If there was a problem, Stefan wasn't entirely willing to acknowledge it. He was happy, or at least, closer to happy than he'd been in ages. He had a nice girl, who knew what he was, who encouraged him to be a decent human being. His brother was close by, and by the looks of it, staying around.

It wasn't perfect. Most of Elena's friends weren't exactly human anymore. They still distrusted him, but that was natural instinct, and probably for the best to keep them wary. They all saw his bout with the Ripper, and the measures Damon went to in order to pull him back.

Her guardian Alaric seemed all right. He tolerated Damon enough to drink with him regularly and survive. There was something interesting going on there, but Stefan wasn't going to worry about it until it became a problem.

He felt that way about most of his actions involving Damon lately. He was mostly okay with that. Despite Damon's implicit danger, he felt better when his big brother was nearby. It was probably fucked up, but Damon was his last line of defense before going over the edge, and anyway, having a brother around to argue with was normal. And starting over for another attempt at normal was the whole point of returning to Mystic Falls and enrolling in high school.

* * *

Stefan was awake later than usual helping Elena cram for a French test. She was in the middle of conjugating verbs and the near-silent pad of bare feet upstairs caught his ear. It was unhurried, lingering at the doorway. With Damon's usual stealth, it was strange that Stefan heard anything at all. He looked up when he heard a bump against a doorframe followed by Damon swearing softly. That was strange too. Damon wasn't known for his clumsiness; in fact vampires were generally characterized by their lack of it. But then, it was hard to keep up with how much Damon had been drinking that night. Only briefly curious why his brother didn't join them if he was awake, he looked back to Elena's notes. Damon spoke French like a poet, even in its French and Cajun dialects, so hearing Elena struggle through the language would only distress him.

Then Elena mixed up past and present tenses again and smacked the side of her head with her notebook in frustration. He glanced at his phone and realized it was 2 a.m. and they had been at it for too many hours. Ignoring the sounds upstairs, Stefan focused his attention back on teaching Elena French before morning.

* * *

It was better when the sun was up. Damon didn't know why. Poetically, he could say it was something about escaping shadows that lurked in every corner. Theoretically, he could blame the boost of Vitamin D and the odd effect of UV light interfering with his magic ring. Realistically, it was because everyone else was awake and doing something, the white noise of life and living acted as a balm for his subconscious.

He was torn between spending too much time at home and too much time not knowing what was developing between Stefan and Elena. Knowing somehow developed into actually seeing, and Damon couldn't stop himself from crashing in on them in Stefan's bed together. Occasionally. Damon reasoned with himself it was a pretty good way to make Stefan miserable every time he—well, _peeked_ wasn't the right word. He wasn't some pervert, but _caught_ made it seem like he wasn't aware of what he would be walking in on. _Tortured himself with seeing_ the two of them together was probably more accurate. Seeing his little brother happy made him equally proud and sick and he wasn't getting any closer as to why.

* * *

Late one night Stefan and Elena spent an hour arguing on the front porch of the boarding house. A trivial fight about their participation in another town event. Elena was expected on the committee but Stefan wanted to skip the meetings and see a few movies. It wasn't a big deal, but she left in a huff and he knew enough to give her the night to cool off. Briefly relieved that at least the stupid argument was over he went back inside to head up to bed.

It was late. The still shadow of Damon startled him at the top of the stairs. Stefan avoided his gaze and climbed up. Annoyed at whatever snide comment his brother didn't have the chance to make, he quickly slipped past Damon without coming into contact muttering, "Do not want to hear it."

There was only silence behind him. Stefan paused at the door to his room and looked back. Damon hadn't moved. He seemed to be staring blankly into middle distance. His hair was sleep-mussed and he was only wearing low-slung sweats. Stefan's brow furrowed and he clapped his hand loudly against the doorframe. "Damon, what the hell are you doing?"

Damon blinked rapidly, stepping away from the stairs. He looked disoriented, turning quickly around and finding Stefan staring back at him wide-eyed. His alarm disappeared and his eyes narrowed. "What is your problem?" he sneered over his shoulder before he disappeared into his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Stefan stood there another moment, debating pushing Damon for an explanation. But he knew better. He was tired and Damon wasn't the responsive type anyway. Having enough circular arguments for one night, he walked back downstairs.

He pulled his phone out and hit Elena's number.

"Hey, I'm really sorry about everything." He shot a worried glance up towards Damon's room, straining to hear any sound behind the door. He just wanted one more night of things being simple. "I'll come over now. How about I stay the night? We can talk about the meeting times. Maybe find a compromise."

He was out the door before he could hear the thump that shook the floorboards.

* * *

"Well this is a surprise. What happened to wanting a break from all things Founder's Day?" Elena asked curiously as she leaned against the open door.

Stefan glanced over his shoulder for the tenth time, for some reason, expecting his brother's shadow somewhere behind him. Seeing nothing, still, he smiled at his annoyed girlfriend.

"It's fine, I guess." He stepped forward to go inside the house but it was still blocked by Elena. "If you want me to go, I'll go whenever you want."

Smiling triumphantly, Elena let the door fall open farther to let in Stefan. "Really? I knew you'd change your mind!" She flung her arms around him.

Sure, not like everything wasn't a complete disaster the first time he participated in Founder's Day events or anything. But she didn't seem too worried about his memories associated with it, and he didn't want his past getting in the way of her present. Assenting, he half-heartedly returned the hug. "Yeah, look, let's get inside okay?" He looked back once more, scanning the yard and street in front of the house. "Something is going on with Damon and its weirding me out. I needed to get out of there."

Elena let the door close behind them and kept her hand clasped in Stefan's. " _'Weirding'_? Really, Renaissance man? We're making up words now?" She teased lightly, pleased to have gotten her way.

Stefan tilted his head and smiled. "Yeah we are. Maybe I can ask Ric about him."

"Uhg," Elena groaned. "Who cares? He's a freak."

The word hit him like a punch in the gut. He dropped her hand and looked away.

"I'm sorry!" Elena slapped her hands over her mouth, looking slightly ashamed. "I mean he always has something going on. It's usually not a good thing."

Brows furrowed, Stefan sighed deeply. "I don't like that word. Damon always has his reasons."

"Sure! Of course, I'm sorry." Elena tried to curl around Stefan's arm, and he let himself appreciate the fact that her tank top and shorts hugged her curves so tightly. "He's been weird around me too lately. I understand. I didn't mean to call him names."

He knew that was a lie, but it didn't matter. Elena and Damon had a strange relationship. Not many girls Damon openly threatened to kill stuck around for Stefan's sake. Her attraction to the man wasn't the best-kept secret either. Her continued friendship with his brother was a relief, because it meant Stefan could keep them both around. She was still Stefan's girl. He was going to enjoy it while he could.

Stefan let her pull him into her room and curl up on the bed. She snuggled up next to him, and he wrapped his arm around her. He was getting better at being this with her. Could hardly get enough of wrapping himself up in her world. She was the sweet breeze of fresh air he needed in his life. Being with her didn't have to be sex. It didn't have to be innocent, either.

"Not tonight though," she sighed soft and drowsy. "Just sleep with me. It's been a long night."

"Sure." He kissed the top of her head. Closed his eyes and wondered how Damon's night was going. "Whatever you want."


	4. Horizon's Verge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, dating teenagers had its downside.

Between two worlds life hovers like a star,twixt night and morn,  
Upon the horizon's verge.  
[George Gordon Byron](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DQIGe_9EfA&index=4&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

The trilling of Elena's phone woke Stefan up slowly. Elena standing over him, smacking him in the shoulder got him up a lot faster.

"You have to hide!" Elena hissed.

"What? What's going on?" Stefan moved away from Elena's hand and rubbed his eyes. The urgency in her voice was exasperated more than panicked, so he didn't immediately make a move.

"Bonnie is coming over right now. I totally forgot we're headed to Chesapeake today to go to the mall."

He was pretty sure that didn't make any sense.

"I have to _what_?"

"Stay out of the way. Because I don't want her to see you." She seemed satisfied he was awake and stepped into her closet.

He might have been more offended if he was more awake. Instead, Stefan's brow dropped in confusion as he arched his back in a satisfying stretch. "Excuse me?"

"I know. I sound like a crazy bitch, but she's my best friend, and still not on board with us spending all this time together so I told her we'd have a day to ourselves. And it's a long trip. And if she sees you..."

"She'll be pissed the whole day. Yeah. Got it." Stefan dragged himself up into a sitting position. He was still wearing a t-shirt and boxers. His jeans were lying beside the bed, close enough to pull on quickly. "Do I have to roll under the bed or something, or do you need me all the way out of the house before I've had any coffee?" He ran his fingers through his hair and watched Elena run around her room grabbing clothes. Not noticing or ignoring his sarcasm.

"Whatever you need to do so she doesn't see you. Shoot, I'm so late." She stopped in the doorway and looked back at him, apologetic. "I'm sorry, Stefan. You can stay here if you don't want to go home, or if you want a day off from Damon, okay? If you could stay up here for now, please."

As quickly as she had woken him, she was gone. Stefan looked over at the bathroom where she had apparently gotten ready before she woke him up. Well that was considerate. Sometimes, dating teenagers had its downside. He pinched the bridge of his nose and huffed a wry laugh. Fucking hell.

He heard Bonnie step onto the front porch the same time Elena made it downstairs to throw the door open. Elena was too obvious about keeping Bonnie out, as if Stefan would be that insolent to not stay out of the way, but Bonnie didn't comment on it. Sometimes it was okay to let appearances be.

Staying in bed was tempting, but Stefan felt like a creeper in a stranger's house when he was there by himself. Instead, he dragged himself to the kitchen after he heard Bonnie's car leave.

He was not paying attention to whoever else was in the house.

"She seemed to be in a hurry."

"Fuck!" Stefan jumped back five feet from the silhouette of Alaric standing in front the of the kitchen window holding up a menacing...

Coffeepot.

Full of fresh steaming coffee.

Alaric was also grinning. "Morning, sunshine."

Smiling sheepishly, realizing his pants were on, but not fastened, Stefan tried to amend his clothes while accepting the proffered mug full of brain-fixing caffeine.

"Rough night?" Alaric's eyebrows were probably arched that high since the moment Stefan came downstairs, but he only noticed them after his first scalding gulp.

"You don't even want to know."

Face morphing into something sour, Alaric put the coffeepot back onto its burner. "Considering you spent the night with my pseudo-daughter or whatever. I'm betting you're right."

"Oh no, we didn't..."

"Save it. _Really_ don't want to know." Alaric shook his head and picked up his own mug before settling on a stool across from Stefan.

"Fair enough." Stefan smiled; content to drink his coffee in companionable silence.

Alaric was a good guy. A hunter, true, but he didn't seem to mind Stefan being with Elena. He also didn't seem too put off by Damon. Stefan wondered about that, figured with Elena out of the house, he and Alaric could probably talk about it like adults.

"You and Damon seem to be spending a lot of time together lately." He started cautiously, wary of making the man uncomfortable.

Alaric nodded. "Yeah, well, I'm a history buff and he's living history." He took a deep drink of his coffee. "He has had some incredible experiences that make great stories."

Stefan looked up sharply. He wondered what filters Damon told his stories through to make them appear so incredible. "Is that why you guys have been getting along so well?"

"It's part of it." Alaric set the mug down, "I guess it's nice to have another adult who really knows what's going on in this town. We don't have to pretend everything is normal."

Stefan stiffened. Pretending to be normal was sort of his eternal purpose. His eyes locked on the dregs in his mug. "Is that weird? With everything that happened with Isobel?"

Alaric was silent long enough for Stefan to realize he'd said something wrong. He looked up expecting Alaric to be upset, but the man was only staring out the window above the sink looking thoughtful, like he hadn't considered it before.

"I'm sorry, Ric. That was disrespectful. It's really none of my business."

Alaric shrugged lightly and looked back at Stefan. "No, no, it's fine. Honestly we don't usually talk about that. I guess it's true, but it happened, and it's over. Knowing Damon kind of helped me work through it. He spent so much time being lonely and upset because of the way Katherine manipulated him, I didn't want to turn into that."

Stefan knew Damon had been wrecked over the Katherine fiasco. He figured that had been why Damon got hung up on Elena for a while. Stefan didn't really give Katherine much thought since he still had Elena. But Damon didn't talk about their ex like it was a problem anymore. Apparently his brother was just not talking about her with him. A flicker of hurt twitched in Stefan, but he wasn't sure at which part. "Well, that's mature." His forehead creased and his eyes fell to his empty mug again.

The man's laugh surprised him.

"Is that funny?" Stefan looked up, curious.

Nodding with a half-smile on his face as he poured more coffee for Stefan, Alaric quieted. "It is. You've been spending too much time with teenagers. I'd think you've gotten old enough to realize not every end of a relationship has to be the end of the world."

There was truth there that Stefan usually ignored. Pretending to be a normal teenager consumed him too often. The feelings of being misunderstood, and being overwhelmed by the idea that life and death hinged on good grades and getting into college and whether the pretty girl liked him. Or if her friends would talk her out of dating him.

It was a lot easier to go on thinking that superficial stuff mattered more than reality breathing down his neck with the more-likely possibility of spiraling into Ripper oblivion, or of being put down by purple flowers and wooden stakes.

"Yeah, I guess." Parts of Alaric's statement puzzled him. "So this is something Damon helped you realize?"

"More or less. He's a smart guy and a good friend when he wants to be. Well, I don't have to tell you that. You know him better than anybody."

Stefan nodded slowly. Talking about Damon this way was a mistake. He never had those kinds of talks with his brother. They only fought over blood and girls, argued until the liquor was gone or one of them was unconscious. Maybe his search for normality was keeping him from those conversations.

He wanted to stick around, to let Alaric keep telling him about the version of his brother he was missing out on. Instead he finished his coffee, and showed himself out with quiet gratitude.

There was so much time in the day; Stefan wasn't sure what to do with himself as he left the house. Usually he spent his free time with Elena, but if she was gone all day he figured he could catch up on some journaling.

That meant going back to his house and to Damon.

He had never been so hesitant to see his brother before and he didn't want to start. Maybe something was going on with Damon; maybe he would want to talk about it. They could have the kinds of conversations Damon was having with Alaric. Stefan laughed at himself. He knew he was always too optimistic about what he expected out of Damon. But if there was another way to be, Stefan didn't even know how to start.

It was still early anyway. Even with daylight rings, vampires tended to thrive in moonlight and get lethargic in the sun. And Alaric and Elena were obnoxiously early risers. Stefan hoped Jeremy was enjoying his sleep in Denver.

He took a deep breath, and headed home.


	5. Night Hawkers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He grabbed Damon's arm, fingers tracing the blood along his forearms, finding more in the creases of his knuckles and palms. "What did you do?"

Ev'rybody got problems, buddy. I got mine.  
When midnight comes around, I start to lose my mind.  
When the sun puts out the light,  
I join the creatures of the night.  
[Sleepwalker – The Kinks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHTPz1vtwBo&index=5&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Stefan got two steps into the boarding house and instantly knew something was very very wrong. Panic hit him at the faint smell of blood coming from upstairs. Before he got that far, he saw Damon standing naked in the front room staring at the fireplace. Unsure which thing to deal with first, he froze in the hallway long enough to realize Damon wasn't moving either. His body rocked into gear, stepping toward his brother first.

As he neared, he noticed Damon was frozen with the same stoic look on his face as the night before.

At least he was breathing. Stefan tried not to look too closely other than the cursory check. It wasn't like he hadn't seen his brother naked before. His brother had been an exhibitionist from the start. Skinny dipping as boys in the quarry when they were human, the phase they went through in the sixties, long after they turned, when free love was all the rage, and they got drunk on dandelion wine and spent an entire summer trying to get a full-body tan. Then there were the random occasions through the decades in between when they crashed somewhere together for a while and Damon went wandering through the halls bare-assed for no reason at all.

But something about it felt invasive and wrong if Damon wasn't intentionally putting himself on display. So Stefan kept his eyes above Damon's waist. That's when he saw the traces of scratches on Damon's arms. There weren't actual cuts, but there were remnants of dried blood where the wounds had closed beneath it. Damon still hadn't moved, hadn't even acknowledged Stefan's presence.

Before trying to snap him out of it, Stefan stepped away, going up the stairs to follow the stronger smell of blood. It was on the door, or at least, on the wood that used to be Damon's door.

"What the hell!"

Suddenly Damon was standing next to him looking mildly concerned. "What's wrong?"

"You tell me!" Stefan looked back and forth between Damon's confused expression and the mess of wood all over the floor in the doorway.

Leaning over Stefan's shoulder, Damon surveyed the debris. "What the hell did you do to my door?"

"Are you serious?" Stefan demanded. "I just got home!" He grabbed Damon's arm, fingers tracing the blood along his forearms, finding more in the creases of his knuckles and palms. "What did you do?"

"Me?" Damon looked at his hands as if he had never seen them before. He seemed to realize Stefan was still holding his arm at the same time and wrenched it away.

"Damon," Stefan started, but didn't really know what question should follow. Damn, the man was a mess. Hair matted with dried sweat, odd marks where scratches must have been on his sides and chest from crashing through the door. Fuck. Stefan was an idiot for leaving. What the hell happened?

"I have no idea, man." Damon shrugged, answering anyway.

They stared at the mess in silence, expecting answers to reveal themselves, until Damon started picking at the dried blood on his skin. "Where were you?"

Stefan looked up at him, a sense of shame growing. "With Elena."

"Oh. Of course." Damon lowered his arms but kept rubbing his fingers together. "I thought she wasn't staying?"

"She left after our disagreement." Stefan scratched at his face, a rush of guilt flooding him for walking away at the mere hint of worry. For not wanting to deal with whatever Damon was up to. "I went over there to make up with her."

"You were fighting?"

His genuine surprise confused Stefan. "You don't remember?"

Damon scoffed. "Should I?"

Stefan's eyes narrowed in suspicion. Damon had been standing at the top of the stairs when Elena left. His eyes wide open. Stefan figured their argument had drawn him out. Damon would have heard the whole thing. Yes, he damn well should remember... if he had been awake.

"What _do_ you remember?"

Damon was silent for a few moments as Stefan's brow furrowed deeper. "I didn't sleep well."

Stefan waited for Damon to continue. When it looked like he wasn't going to add anything, Stefan pinched the bridge of his nose. That only reminded him of Damon's blood that had gotten on his fingertips. "Is that it?"

Ignoring Stefan, Damon started nudging the rest of the wood around his doorway with his toe and pushing it into a pile. "You two were in the kitchen talking, I went upstairs. She complained about me for a while, and then she started telling you how _totally awesome_ the Founders Day parade was going to be this year. Like they all aren't complete disasters. Then she told you about the dress she bought before Caroline got to it." He rolled his eyes, "I don't really remember what happened after she started talking about how I was ruining all the fun events in town."

Stefan shook his head. "You were standing at the top of the stairs," he crossed his arms and thought to add, "wearing pants, when she left." He narrowed his eyes. "You saw me and went back into your room."

"Oh yeah." Damon looked away like he was trying to remember as he scratched his hand over flaking bits of dried blood on his chest. "I kicked those before I tried to go to sleep. I had a really weird fucking dream. Then I woke up to you screaming like a bitch a minute ago."

"You woke up downstairs standing in front of the fireplace. Still naked." Stefan reminded him.

"Hmm." Damon looked at his hands again, regarded his nudity with indifference, and then looked back at the pile on the ground. "And apparently I did this?" He looked at Stefan again to confirm he understood. "And you didn't hear it because you weren't here."

"Right." Damon wasn't accusing him of anything, but he still felt responsible for leaving. His face pinched a little before he looked up into Damon's eyes again. "Hey, I shouldn't let her talk about you that way."

The corner of Damon's lip twitched up, as he arched his back and folded his arms behind his head. Stefan's eyes briefly got caught on the long lean line of bare skin before he flicked them away. He was well practiced at keeping his gaze elsewhere. Damon's smirk grew. "Oh I didn't mind that part. I like the attention." His laugh fell short of being genuine, but Stefan took it as a pardon anyway. There seemed to be bigger issues at the moment.

"You should wash up and get dressed. I can take care of this."

"Hardware store after?" Damon lowered his arms, looking back at the mangled wood in the doorframe. "Need to replace it while I get something ordered that matches the rest."

"Sure." Stefan nodded, surprised at the invitation.

Damon stepped through the doorway towards his bathroom. "Have to preserve my modesty, after all." He laughed again, sounding lighter. Stefan caught a glimpse of Damon shaking his ass before he turned the corner.

It took Stefan a few seconds to start gathering the debris.

* * *

Later that night, after their shopping trip progressed into catching a movie, getting drinks at a better bar out of town, installing the door, and finally bringing his journal up to date, Stefan put down his pen and stretched. It wasn't that he was sore, exactly, but he felt restless and uneasy. Damon had gone to take a nap after the door was installed, complaining about going out before stores were even open.

Spending the day with his brother had been interesting. He thought keeping an eye on Damon would be necessary, but his brother acted like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. They didn't talk about anything too serious, but they didn't fight either. Stefan knew better than to think Damon would open up in one day about all the things they didn't share with each other, but having the time together, just them, had been nice. Something they hadn't done in a long time without some kind of ulterior motive.

Stefan changed into more comfortable clothes. He knew he needed to feed and decided to go for a run while he was out. Warring over whether he should invite his brother, he found himself standing in front of Damon's room as if the decision had already been made. At the newly installed door, he heard knocking that had nothing to do with his hand hovering over the surface.

It took a second to discern the noise was coming from the front of the house.

"Stefan?" Elena poked her head around the door, looking around before finding him at the top of the stairs. Her face split in a grin that Stefan couldn't help but mirroring. He moved away from his brother's door and met her at the bottom of the stairs in an embrace.

"How was your trip?"

"Complete success." She smiled up at him. "I even talked to Bonnie about you and I being together, and I think she's starting to understand."

"Yeah?" Stefan wasn't sure why Elena was so hung up on Bonnie's blessing but it didn't hurt to have a witch not hating him.

"Well I told her we're, you know..." Elena bit her lip and shyly looked down while still encircled by Stefan's arms.

"We're what?" Curious, Stefan waited for Elena to look back up at him.

"I told her how much we're in love. And she really-"

A thunderous sound cut her off, the ceiling shaking with the force of it. It came from upstairs, and it made Stefan think of really heavy furniture plowing through the floor. Stefan lowered his arms and stepped away from Elena, suddenly worried about Damon barreling through his new door and demolishing it again.

Instead it flung open with Damon pulling on a button-up and scowling. Guess he wasn't asleep.

"Damon, what the hell happened?" There were no injury or scent of blood that Stefan could detect, but something upstairs had definitely been damaged. "What did you break this time?"

Damon stopped in the middle of the stairway and scanned between them. A dry click sounded in his throat and his eyes snapped away from Elena to Stefan. "Everything."

Alarmed, Stefan pulled Elena slightly closer and she frowned. She had a mix of worry and annoyance in her stare and her mouth parted to speak, but Stefan caught it in time. With a few fingers over her lips, and her annoyance redirected toward him, Stefan only nodded as Damon passed.

He was finally paying attention, and he was beginning to notice a pattern. He glanced down at the girl in his arms, and up at his distressed brother. "I'll see you in a few days then, I guess."

Damon snarled some nonword. It wasn't an audible reply, more like a primeval _fuck off_ which Stefan heeded. He even refrained from asking where Damon was going. As Damon picked up his keys and stalked out the front door, Stefan was pretty sure he knew Damon's reply anyway.

Out.


	6. Run Free Yourself of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Huh, who knew he could still get this drunk? That last handle was probably a mistake.

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live  
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still  
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy  
How crazy I am  
[Fast As You Can – Fiona Apple](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbxqtbqyoRk&index=6&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Damon got about two steps inside, the room going for a spin, before he leaned into the wall for support.

Huh, who knew he could still get this drunk? That last handle was probably a mistake.

"Easy there, big guy." Alaric kept a close step behind Damon in case he tipped over again, guiding him into the parlor.

That was another mistake.

"Shit, my eyes!" Alaric let go of Damon's shoulder to slap his hands over his face.

Damon's eyes only widened, catching Elena's bare body move in the last of a sinuous roll atop his brother's lap on the couch. Elena gasped in surprise when she heard Alaric and crossed her arms over her chest.

At least Damon was pretty sure it was a gasp of surprise.

She ducked down, the blood rushing into her face in a blush heating the air and making Damon's mouth water for something other than booze. The couch faced the fireplace, so the back of it covered all the good parts from him. Stefan's head was hanging over the armrest looking back at him. If Damon were less inebriated, he would have sworn Stefan looked guilty for a second before it turned back into his regular long-suffering resignation.

As it was, Damon didn't do much but stand there with his eyes locked on Stefan's.

Alaric snapped them all out of it first. "Right, so, I'm going to go wait outside. Elena, you should probably head home sometime soon. Or whatever. I'm gonna—forget it, goodnight, Damon."

Turning at the sound of his name, Damon watched Alaric slip out front and kept his back to the room as Elena and Stefan separated, trying not to focus too hard on the sound. He did hear Stefan whisper for her to head up to his room, and waited for her to follow his instruction before turning back.

Stefan sat there with two hands over his naked groin, not quite covering himself completely. Instead of embarrassment, or maybe anger that Damon would expect, there was still a measure of guilt that flashed over Stefan's face for reasons Damon couldn't place. He tried to find the switch to turn on that part of the brain that thought about that sort of thing, but it was swimming in a sea of tequila. Instead, he fell into the armchair next to the couch and tried to think of some witty comment that did not focus on the peek of his brother's hard-on or the fact that Stefan was nervously watching Damon look at him.

* * *

There were probably a thousand reasons for Stefan to get the hell up and get out of there, but watching Damon zigzag through the room to stumble into the chair right in front of him was more insistent. He heard Elena walking around his room picking up her stuff and shoving it into a bag, wondering how to end the awkwardness and get her out of the house faster.

He pulled a throw pillow over his lap when it looked like Damon wasn't moving.

"It seems like one of us should be apologizing."

Damon looked around, glanced at the ceiling in the general direction of Elena's shuffling feet— _what was taking her so long_ —and went back to looking at Stefan. Then he went to touch his nose, missed, and glared at his hand as if it had betrayed him. He tapped his nose on his second try.

"Not it."

A weak smile crossed Stefan's face, "Fine. Then I'm sorry you had to see that."

With a small apathetic shrug Damon twisted into a tight position in the smaller armchair. One knee bent up over the side, the other sprawled out on the floor and his arms over his chest. He finally closed his eyes.

He was waiting for something, and Stefan realized he was waiting for the same thing.

"I need to make sure Elena gets home."

With his eyes still closed Damon pointed behind his head. "Ric is still out there."

He nodded, knowing Damon couldn't see it anyway. He left the pillow behind as he went to help Elena get her stuff together.

* * *

He yanked on the closest pants as she sat down in a huff.

"Why do I have to leave?" She asked as she pulled on her shirt. "Stay in your room with me." She patted the spot on the bed besides her.

"Please, Elena." Stefan rubbed her arm, trying to be reassuring. "I need to look after him right now."

She smiled sweetly up at him. "I can help you."

"No." Stefan said quickly. "Thank you, but I think this one is on me." He stepped out and went downstairs before she could protest further.

* * *

By the time she gave him one last kiss goodbye and Stefan went back into the parlor, Damon was stretched out on the couch, wrapped around a pile of couch pillows, eyes fighting to stay up. A half empty bottle of whisky rested on the floor within arm's reach.

"Hitting the liquor a bit hard tonight, brother?"

"You put pants on."

Stefan knew Damon was deflecting his comment, but he was sort of amused by it anyway. "I know _you're_ unfazed by my body, but I thought an attempt at dignity would be more appropriate than opening the door naked with Alaric still standing there."

"Why? You have nothing to be ashamed of." He groaned softly and patted around for the bottle beside him. "Nevermind."

A flash of heat shot through Stefan as he came to a stop. He never understood why his brother said stuff like that to him. He could only imagine how girls Damon was actually hitting on responded to such casual compliments. Ignoring Damon's teasing, Stefan watched with concern as his brother took a drink.

After he set the bottle down, Damon merely grunted, burying his head in the pillow he was clutching.

"Should I even ask what's going on with you?"

"It helps me sleep," Damon muttered barely loud enough to be heard.

"As does lying down in your own bed. You haven't been here for days."

"Is that sex smell coming from me or you?" Damon picked his head up and looked around, as if only realizing then that he was lying on the couch Stefan and Elena were previously occupying. He scowled at the cushion. "Or is it the furniture?"

Stefan closed his eyes as a wave of unease tried to take hold of him. One of those things they had to get used to a long time ago. Vampire senses made sexual discretion impossible even if Damon hadn't seen them live and in color. The scent of Elena was most prominent in the house, but standing close enough to Damon, Stefan could trace how he spent his nights.

"So you and Ric..."

"And some Tri Delts, or RNs, or some other letters. It was a lovely weekend." Damon sighed without any enthusiasm.

It was the middle of the week, but okay.

Stefan should have been familiar with that too. Damon had never been timid in his pansexual escapades, or shy in talking about them. As much an exhibitionist in speech as he was in form. In the Before, it had been some kind of mean game to make Stefan uncomfortable. In the After, it was some kind of attempt to distract himself from pining for Katherine before that went all to shit.

The dull pain of bitterness regarding their maker was definitely familiar.

"You two seem to be spending a lot of time together. Is that where you go all the time when Elena comes over?"

Without answering, Damon sat up and picked up the bottle. He didn't drink from it right away, but let the rim rest against his lip.

Stefan came closer and sat down by his side. Damon twitched as if to move away, but instead he took a deep breath and slumped towards him. Stefan was too surprised to keep Damon from leaning on his shoulder.

* * *

An hour later they hadn't gotten far. Stefan was leaning his back against the armrest with Damon spread across the couch on his side, head resting on Stefan's thigh. A glass took the place of the bottle in his hand, even if it had been refilled a few times, but he wasn't blacking out anytime soon thanks to his vampire healing abilities.

He silently cursed them again.

"I'm so tired, Stefan." His voice stayed quiet, small. He felt a shiver run through Stefan.

"Why aren't you sleeping, brother?" Stefan slid further under Damon, so they were both lying down. Damon repositioned his head on Stefan's chest.

The admission, "Bad things happen," slipped out, but Damon couldn't bring himself to elaborate.

"Like what?" Stefan asked quietly. He took the glass from Damon's hand before taking a drink.

Stefan's body was relaxed, and Damon settled easily against him. It felt okay, letting Stefan move him around to their resting position. More comfortable than he expected.

He liked touching Stefan, liked the way his brother leaned into it, liked the way Stefan didn't look at him like he was a monster for doing it. Sometimes, even looking as grateful for the contact as Damon felt. But he was not allowed to touch Stefan anymore, and Damon wasn't sure when that all started. Before they turned, or after? The only measure of time that meant anything. _When_ didn't really matter anyway. He found himself haunted by _why_ far more often.

_Sometimes we don't do something, so that others won't know that we want to do them._

There were too many teenagers around, with eyes glued to the golden boy and his dark shadow. Maybe that was why he couldn't touch Stefan anymore. Brothers, and grown men. That seemed like outdated _bullshit_. Why shouldn't he be allowed to touch his brother? All he ever seemed to do was carry him out of one torture chamber or another, do cursory checks for injuries, and hold his head to get his attention.

There were parts he remembered about the Before. Spanning all the years between Stefan being the sweet dependent child to the awkward but sincere teenager crawling into the bed they practically shared because they just slept better next to each other. It was innocent, even after Stefan filled out, and Damon knew they were both too old to use the excuse of sleeplessness, they fell into his bed, feet kicking and arms tangling together almost every night.

Then Stefan started looking at him differently, and Damon didn't understand what was happening or why Stefan stopped curling up against him, but it killed him. Then Damon left to fight in a war he didn't believe in, and visited home to see glimpses of his brother becoming a man. The excuses were even thinner then. So he found others to put in his bed, with much more interesting outcomes. But it wasn't the same, and Stefan still came back for the nights in between. Then Katherine happened, and there was no going back in the After.

It didn't have to be like that anymore. They were sort of getting along. Damon wanted to be the kids that could lay this close together without anyone getting between them again. But he knew there was too much vitriol between them and his brother wouldn't come back anymore. Elena was there, always there, taking Damon's place. Except, he had his little brother for now. They were finally alone and Stefan was a hard line of cool muscle from chest to knee underneath him. He could lie there and soak it all in as long as Stefan let him.

Even that would go away if Damon told him what happened when he closed his eyes.

"You ask too many questions."

"Wouldn't need to if you'd talk to me more."

Damon hadn't drunk enough for this. Or had too much. His control was all over the place and it made him too vulnerable. But Stefan had a point.

"Fine." He tried to sound decisive but it came out a bit slurred. "What do you really want to know? You have time for one question."

"One?"

He blinked slowly but the room was still hazy. "I'm barely conscious now, man."

Stefan was quiet for a while; Damon could feel him thinking it over. It was harder to drink lying down, but Stefan managed to empty the glass with minor spilling and set it on the ground.

"What are you doing with Alaric?"

Damon snorted. That's what he wanted to waste his question on? He looked up and saw his brother's serious face. There was something else in there, burning curiosity and wariness. Like he didn't want to know the answer. Damon softened his derision and dropped his head to Stefan's chest again. It was less demanding from that position anyway.

"Similar to what you and Elena do. I'm probably more of a power bottom though." He felt Stefan tense, and ran his hand down Stefan's ribs in slow swirls. "We drink, Stefan. He's overwhelmed by this town and generally unhappy and I don't hate being around him. So we drink until we don't. Even then, it's nothing serious. Sometimes I pick up some girls, sometimes I don't, and we have a bit of fun. I feed, I get laid, Alaric learns some new tricks, gets to think about something other than his mundane life and everyone goes home sated and alive."

Stefan relaxed a bit under Damon's touch, but he kept moving his fingers in circles along Stefan's side. It was a small comforting movement Damon used when Stefan was a child that always worked when the kid had been scared or upset in the middle of the night. He liked that it worked now.

They lay like that for a while. Damon's eyes ached and his mind continued swimming, never making contact with anything worth touching.

"Dammit, I have more questions." Stefan broke the silence despondently.

Damon chuckled but it came out a bit wet. "Save them."

He closed his eyes, listening to Stefan's breathing, pressing a little bit closer to the expanse of exposed skin. He couldn't remember the last time they did this. The churning pained feeling inside him had settled at some point since Alaric brought him home.

"It's never quite right." Damon mumbled against him. His breath shunted back onto his lips felt warmer than Stefan's body. "They're all too fragile, I want too much." He sighed deeply, wrapping his arms around his brother while he had enough alcohol in his system to blame it on. "Katherine never mentioned eternity doesn't cure the empty hollow feeling inside. Only makes it worse."

Stefan's arm wrapped around Damon's back, hand stroking the nape of his neck. Damon knew Stefan was burning through a dozen more questions trying to narrow it down, to find one that would open up all of Damon's secrets. The problem was there weren't any good ones. The only secrets Damon had left were the ones he kept from himself. He was barely holding that down anymore.

Gratefully, Stefan dropped it. "It'll be okay." Stefan's whisper carried all the weight of a promise. Damon desperately wanted to believe it, but he knew better. He clutched Stefan's back, pressing his face against his little brother's bare chest. Stefan leaned closer, lips brushing Damon's ear and instructed, "Sleep, brother."

So Damon did.

* * *

When Damon's face relaxed and breath was steady, Stefan picked his brother up and carefully carried him to his bedroom.

Damon shifted and settled with his arm stretched out across the bed. Stefan briefly remembered himself younger, smaller, and standing in the same position. He looked out the window at the clear still night, remembered hot summer storms, lighting crackling across the sky, climbing into bed beside Damon and fitting in that space under his big brother's arm. When things were simple between them and fears were easily calmed.

He knew all about that hollow feeling Damon spoke of. They never quite drank enough booze, or blood, there were never enough fights or sex to fill it. Its dull echo was louder at night.

At the doorway he looked back, catching flickers of unease cross Damon's sleeping face. It didn't match the serene expression he had while they were dozing on the couch.

After getting into his own bed, Stefan stared at the dark ceiling, watching shadows paint the room. At least he didn't have to debate anymore.

Something was definitely wrong with Damon.


	7. Blessing in Disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, but Alaric looked awfully pretty all spread out beside Damon in his post-orgasmic doze. Not that his bedmate was quite who he focused on at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I adore your comments! Thank you so much for the love and support. And a billion thanks to my dear BroodyCheery323 for the beta work. Chapters will now be updated more frequently since it's done. Do people like author notes? This chapter is really upping the naked-factor... Please enjoy!

 The curse ruled from the underground down by the shore  
And their hope grew with a hunger to live unlike before  
Tell me now of the very souls that look alike, look alike  
Do you know the stranglehold covering their eyes?  
[The Curse – Agnes Obel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h9XUYj96ho&index=7&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

The night on the couch was the best sleep Damon experienced in months, if not longer. In the weeks that followed, Damon tried to duplicate it. He tried more blankets and pillows, just something substantial to curl around, but those were discarded as his attempts quickly escalated to keeping another warm body in his bed to press up against. It didn't take much, if anything, to keep them compelled to stay through the night, no matter how much Stefan frowned in his direction. There had been a series of girls who didn't matter when they left in the morning, and more frequently the one guy that made Elena extra nervous who didn't need any compelling. He didn't do much towards helping Damon get any rest.

Ah, but Alaric looked awfully pretty all spread out beside Damon in his post-orgasmic doze. Not that his bedmate was quite who he focused on at the moment. Damon sat against the headboard with his eyes closed, pretending not to listen to the sounds down the hallway. Dawn was peeking in between the heavy drapes, which indicated no one seemed to have gotten much sleep that night.

Alaric slid away from Damon and yawned.

"What day is it?" His voice was thick with sleep—a quality Damon envied.

Thinking about it for a moment, Damon realized he had kept the man occupied all weekend. "Monday, I'm pretty sure."

"Dammit!" Alaric groaned as he rolled to a sitting position, feet hitting the floor. "I gotta go home and get ready for class." He rubbed his thumbs into his eyes, and tried pulling his hair into one direction.

Trailing a finger across Alaric's bare waist, Damon chuckled. "Fine, go shit, shower and shave in the comfort of your own home." He reached for the decanter of bourbon beside his bed and poured a glass while Alaric got up. "You want to come back tonight?" It was a tentative idea, keeping the man at his house on a weeknight. But the nightmares were getting worse. Damon thought if he wasn't going to sleep much, he might as well have some fun.

His eyes followed a nude Alaric across the room as the man picked up the clothes he wore the previous Friday. "I have to do some grading. But I can meet you at the Grille when I'm done." He stopped, zipping his pants and looking around for his shirt.

"Mmm, kinky." Damon smirked over his glass as he watched Alaric stuff underwear in his pocket.

"Well you didn't leave enough of them to put back on, and I don't have anything here." He smiled, pulling on his shirt without buttoning it. "We can get something to eat, but I can't stay the night." He patted himself down, making sure his few personal items were on him, and then rubbed over the newest bite mark near his hip. He didn't seem to mind too much as he buttoned up his shirt enough to cover it. "Maybe you can get Stefan to send Elena home, too."

To the man's credit, he tried to be discreet about their hook-ups, but Damon wasn't exactly subtle, and Alaric found himself not caring as much as he should. Whether that was attributed to the orgasms, or his suspicions that Damon was taking the edge off Alaric's worries with alcohol and small compulsions, he couldn't say.

Damon's warm smile faded as he looked away. The soft noises Elena and Stefan were making distracted him from whatever Alaric's rejection made him think. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks." Alaric leaned in quickly to give Damon a kiss goodbye. Damon tilted his head enough for the man's lips to miss the mark and end up on his cheek. Smiling, Alaric straightened up. "I'll see you at the bar, yeah? Then we could both use some sleep."

Nodding, Damon watched Alaric leave his room before he dragged himself out of bed and cleaned up. Pulling on jeans, Damon looked in the mirror to make sure nothing else was out of place. He washed the dried blood off the edges of his mouth and splashed some water on his face. He waited until he heard his friend's car leave before walking down the hall to Stefan's room.

Damon twisted the door handle, letting his brother's door swing open on its own. It was a strange kind of self-inflicted torture, seeing them in bed. That split second where Stefan's mouth locked on hers, his hand covering her breast, her eyes closed in pleasure until the door slammed into the wall.

Elena still shrieked every time, yanking the duvet over her chest. Stefan, who lay on his side facing her, merely looked over his shoulder, bare to the hip. Damon's eye caught on the swell of his ass revealed as Elena pulled more of the blanket around her. He looked back up in time to see Stefan's expression slip from annoyance into genuine curiosity.

"Did you need something? Or are you trying to torture Elena?"

They both looked back at her, blanket pulled up to her neck and a deep scowl on her face.

"I was thinking, you know, as your authority figure, I should point out that it may do you kids some good to spend the day focusing on your other school work, and less attention to Family Development," As he scratched at his bare chest, Damon dragged his eyes over the lumps of blanket that hid Elena's body before smirking at her annoyed expression. She snorted with a dry laugh as she pulled the blanket over her face. The scent of her blush threw him off for a moment. "And uh, Anatomy, Biology, whatever science classes the kids are into these days. I hear some people still need to learn these things _academically_."

Stefan rolled his eyes, sliding closer to Elena and pulling enough blankets over his exposed backside while keeping Elena covered. "Yeah, yeah, okay. Close the door on your way out."

"Like either of you have something I haven't seen before."

"Damon!" Elena snapped, sounding less amused while invisible under the blankets.

Stefan only regarded Damon with wary silence.

Damon winked, closing the door behind him. Maybe barging in every time she slept over was getting old. Elena no longer reacted so scandalized, while Stefan met him with dark silent eyes. That was interesting in an entirely different way.


	8. Villains Want Your Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Please, I'm fully aware of what you're up to." The bizarre weekend spent with Elena in his bed but Damon and Ric in his ear was not something Stefan was entirely proud of.

 "Misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous."  
[Frankenstein](https://youtu.be/Z2g6sLnu-8w?list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Stefan came back after dropping Elena off at home and beelined for the coffee in the kitchen. He was surprised Damon was sitting at the table staring into his mug wearing different jeans and a dark t-shirt. He watched for a few moments, but Damon didn't seem to be paying any attention.

"That was a waste of a trip," he said a little louder than necessary.

Damon looked up quickly, and then looked back at the cup in his hands. "What?"

Stefan couldn't tell if the question was because he misunderstood or because he didn't know why Stefan was looking at him. "Why didn't Ric take Elena when he left?"

Huffing a laugh, Damon shook his head. "Daddy-Daughter walks of shame. Seems like that would be another awkward drive home." He took a sip of his coffee and winced. "Bleh, cold."

"How long have you been sitting here?"

Shrugging, Damon got up to pour another cup. "Tired. Long weekend, keeping Ricky-boy sated."

Stefan flinched but tried to mask it in a roll of his shoulders. He poured coffee into a clean mug. "Do you really have to do that?"

Snickering, Damon nodded. "If I have to hear you and Elena grunt and howl all weekend, then yeah, you should know what I was up to as well."

"Please, I'm fully aware of what you're up to." The bizarre weekend spent with Elena in his bed but Damon and Ric in his ear was not something Stefan was entirely proud of. He glared and stepped away from the counter. "We do _not_ grunt and howl. Why are you even listening?"

Damon followed closely behind him, clearly pleased with himself. "Sensitive hearing, brother. She is a loud one. What I don't understand is why _you_ are making so much noise. There's no way she's that good."

"Damon." Stefan put as much warning as he could into the word. "Stop."

"No, tell me. She's still trying to keep up right?" Damon stepped closer with an arrogant glint, "And I bet you're still holding back. How much restraint do you have to have to keep from pounding into her and ruining her for every future guy?"

Stefan was backed against the opposite counter, with Damon's arms bracketing his body till they were only a few inches apart. He couldn't discern the intent on Damon's face, but it was making every muscle in his body tense. He knew his brother was intentionally trying to rile him up, but he didn't have the energy to shrug off that shit so early in the morning. "This isn't funny." He didn't want to think about Elena being with someone else. About what her future may eventually hold without him. About how Damon may be right.

"Sure it is. Picturing her trying to be sentimental when you need to let go a little. _Fucking_ hilarious." Damon backed away, giving Stefan room to take in a shaky breath. "You should let her have the chance to experience a real man."

"Is that what this is about?" Stefan growled, feeling himself crack as Damon pushed him over the edge. Goddammit, how many times did they have to go over this? "You still think _you_ could be better for her?" His face went black, eyes blood-red. "Nothing is fucking enough for you!" He grabbed Damon's shoulders and slammed him backward. "Like Ric is any different?"

Rolling his eyes, Damon picked himself off the ground. "Calm down you lunatic. While I'm flattered you think so, I didn't actually say anything about me. I said 'real man' as in 'hu-man' as in 'someone who isn't tempted to devour her every other second.'" He brushed himself off and went back to pick up his coffee, turning his back on Stefan's outrage. "For the record, Ric's ring brings him back to life if I take things too far." He smiled as he looked over his shoulder. "You don't have that luxury unless she's got your blood in her."

Shock defused Stefan's anger. His face cleared and Stefan stumbled back. "You killed him having sex?"

Damon laughed, but it was cruel and sarcastic. Stefan hated that laugh. "No, I did not fuck him to death, but I've killed him a few times, haven't I? And he still comes over, still puts away the vervain while we're together, still lets me open a vein or two."

"You're feeding from him?"

"You're not feeding from _her_?" Damon shot back.

"Barely a drop at a time! To build a tolerance. Not to slake any kind of hunger. Damon," He grabbed his brother's shoulder, but without the threat. "Please, you can't do that to him."

"And why is that?" Damon sneered. The cruel twist in his mouth made Stefan's stomach drop, but he wasn't going to relent on this. It didn't matter that Damon knew Stefan was trying to be better with blood, but something about Damon knowing Stefan was sampling from Elena made his face burn.

"Because he's all Elena has left."

Damon looked at the hand on his shoulder, then back at Stefan's earnest face. "You don't get any say in what I do." He took Stefan's hand off him and squeezed it tightly. Too tightly. Stefan tried not to wince as his bones cracked under the pressure. "Remember that." He looked at Stefan's hand in his, and then threw it down. "Don't you have school today, too?"

Enough. He had enough for now. Everything about this argument made him nauseous. Stefan stomped his way to the stairs while shaking out his hand and pushing the bones back in place to heal. "I have to hunt before class. We're not done talking about this."

"Looking forward to it."

* * *

Damon pushed Stefan too far. He was pretty sure he was supposed to feel bad about that. He didn't understand why Stefan was so hung up on the idea of Damon wanting Elena. He had been curious, for a little while, before she made it abundantly clear that would only be an option over her dead body. Sure, it was as much fun to flirt with her as it was to argue. And okay, Damon wasn't blind to Elena's signals. She just didn't hate him as much as she did at the beginning. Becoming closer to his brother's girlfriend didn't have to mean anything else. He could hate her and be friends with her at the same time. His relationship with a lot of people was the exact same way.

He didn't see why Stefan was so upset about him being with Alaric either. Ric was a consenting adult, and decent company when Damon was interested. Which was more than he could say about most of the girls he brought home. Damon fed on everyone he slept with, and Stefan had always known that. There had been a time in their lives when Damon told him all about every encounter in vivid detail. The discomfort and nervousness the stories brought Stefan had always entertained Damon.

He told his brother once that the closest they got to humanity was when they ripped it open and fed on it. It wasn't really the threat that Stefan took it as at the time. Being close to humans was only beneficial for making vampires stronger. Humanity wasn't supposed to some kind of status quo. Yet here these naïve humans were, expecting vampires to be something other than monsters, and the Salvatore's continued trying to bend to those impossible notions.

How good could anything really be with Elena without the blood? Damon was sure they were missing the perks of the human/vampire relationship. What could it be like to spend that much time with someone for the pure joy of being together? He tried comparing the idea to his experiences and couldn't come up with anything that even came close. His friends were always tools to further Damon's pursuits.

He hated Stefan for making him think about it.

Damon wished it didn't always come to that. After a century and a half of practice, he was still no good at hating Stefan. Even in his most furious rages, he'd never been able to permanently cut ties. There was too much of Before that he'd be cutting off too. Along with a secret desperate hope that they could end up there again one day. He didn't want to always be the person making Stefan miserable. He wished there were ways he could lend to Stefan's happiness. The curse of eternity lessened in small increments by the possibility of wanting to be around each other and not having to live that eternity alone.

Elena would eventually take care of that. The presence of their relationship was a constant reminder that Stefan wanted to be good, to be human, to be weak in order to be happy. That he couldn't have any of those things around Damon.

Anxiety flared in Damon's chest. Stefan was wrong about Damon wanting Elena. The boiling heat in Damon's body wasn't singing for Elena's blood or her body. Every aching, churning, silent desire wanted something much more complicated than stealing his brother's girlfriend. Damon couldn't bring himself to admit what that one thing was. The feeling was too new, too incredibly terrifying. But he knew it wasn't that damn girl. She had a different destiny in store. She would be the reward for everything Stefan worked for and Damon would be left with nothing.

With no one.

The realization made him exceptionally tired.

That night Damon didn't go to the bar. When Alaric called, it went straight to voicemail.

In the week that followed, if Damon took a little longer finding someone to feed on, and if they were starting to look incredibly familiar, Damon chose to ignore it.


	9. My Blood Sport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan could say what he wanted; it didn't take away from the fact that they did actually make a ridiculous amount of noise together.

Something good, oh something good, oh something good,  
Oh something good tonight will make me forget about you for now  
[Something Good – Alt J](https://youtu.be/aNYjOVo5IEw?list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Stefan could say what he wanted; it didn't take away from the fact that they did actually make a ridiculous amount of noise together.

Elena was just so damn responsive, once they got going. All it took was firm hands, and a steady rhythm and Elena moaned and sighed in a way that meant Stefan was doing everything right. He may have mentioned the idea before, or maybe he rewarded her subconsciously, because he was sure at least part of Elena's response was for show.

The intended audience, he was less sure.

She got more vocal when she thought Damon was in the house. Stefan didn't know if that was because she wanted to make Damon jealous, or upset, or if Stefan was imagining she was acting different to cover the fact that he was.

He was happy, dammit. Nothing Damon could say would take that away from him.

Elena smiled up at him. He really needed to get out of his head. His body was only going through the motions while he tried to figure out what to do about Damon. He wasn't sure how to handle his argument with his brother. He was convinced Damon was trying to undermine his relationship with Elena. But Damon had never been the one to deny that sort of behavior. Stefan was actually used to Damon getting between Stefan and whoever he was dating one way or another. Most girls they met loved Stefan first, for reasons he couldn't fathom and could rarely return. But Damon had a way of luring them away until he was done with them.

Stefan knew he spent too much time worrying that Elena would leave him for Damon. His brother was an unapologetic force of nature that was wholly himself, all of the time. He understood the appeal of that, but Stefan didn't know how to replicate that confidence when he spent so much time trying to change his own inherent nature. He liked that Elena saw that in his brother. If Stefan were out of the way, the two could probably be a good fit together. And when the time came, Stefan knew that he couldn't stop her, wouldn't blame her...

Eventually everyone fell under Damon's spell.

Elena wrapped her hands around Stefan's shoulders, indicating she was close again. She bit her lip and closed her eyes. Stefan tried to focus on how beautiful she looked, how good she felt as he moved inside her tight slickness, the way her arousal made her blood pulse under his hands.

It wasn't working. Stefan was so anxious about his brother he was surprised he could keep himself hard enough to do the work, much less get to some sort of finish. They had been at it long enough to get flipped around in bed. Their heads were at the foot, the sheets twisted up somewhere on the floor. She was lost in pleasure, and didn't notice the door to Stefan's room opened.

A sliver of light cut across the floor where the door opened a few inches. Stefan looked up, wary his brother had come to interrupt again, but he could only make out a fraction of Damon's silhouette.

Damon stood completely still and silent with his eyes half opened. His face was expressionless, and Stefan knew this visit wasn't like the others.

His hips stuttered—eyes glued to any trace of acknowledgement in Damon. It made Elena gasp, her focus still riveted to their machinations.

"Oh my god, yes."

If Stefan hadn't been staring, he would have missed Damon flinch, eyes opening with blinking confusion. His eyes scanned the room—the discarded sheet—the bed—the ceiling—Stefan's bare body—Elena's beneath him—then back to Stefan's face. He held Stefan's gaze, the flash of bewilderment quickly tampered down.

They continued like that for moments that felt like eons. Stefan should have felt upset, or self-conscious, but it wasn't the first time Damon had walked in on him. It was the first time Damon stayed. Their eyes stayed locked on each other and all Stefan could see was smoldering heat in Damon's guarded features. His body flickered with sensation, a flood of urgent want overcoming him. The piercing intensity of his brother's gaze was digging up a train of thought Stefan kept locked away and buried deep. He arched his chest and rolled his hips, pretending not to prove something. He didn't know what. Everything else fell away.

His cock throbbed, and his hips thrust harder, out of his control.

He didn't know what this was, what this meant. He opened his mouth to say as much when Elena moved her hands over Stefan's body, up to his shoulders.

"Stefan please, I can't anymore. I'm too sensitive. You have to slow down." Her breathy inhale stole his attention.

Startled, Stefan froze. He looked down at what he was doing. Elena's thighs spread farther than where she was usually comfortable, her face relaxed now that she had a few orgasms, but the start of wrinkle in her forehead formed where she was growing concerned Stefan hadn't heard her. He looked up again, but Damon was gone and the door pulled shut.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry." He ran his hands over her legs, as he made sure everything was where it should be.

"It's okay," Elena smiled, dopey. "I didn't realize you'd been holding out on me before. That was really hot."

Her approval failed at soothing him. Nodding without any real recognition of what she said, Stefan glanced at his door again, wondering what the hell had just happened.


	10. You've Never Been Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hated her. Hated her with every undead fiber of his being and he couldn't do shit about it because anything he did would guarantee Stefan would be lost to him.

This is alive  
The dead man possesses me  
And there's a shortness of breath  
There's weakness in me  
I got this feeling that we're dead  
[Sleep Paralysis – Gabriel Bruce](https://youtu.be/kRqXsF8e84g?list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Damon shouldn't be so furious. He didn't have the furniture to spare.

He hated her. Hated her with every undead fiber of his being and he couldn't do shit about it because anything he did would guarantee Stefan would be lost to him.

Instead, he paced.

He didn't know why he couldn't look away. There was no way to ignore the powerful look in Stefan's eyes, or the way his sluggish rhythm improved as they stared at each other. He didn't know the cause of it, or why his chest burned and throat went dry as Elena's hands ran all over Stefan's body.

It had been a taunt; about Stefan holding back so as not to hurt Elena, but too much of it could be true. It was the downside of vampires trying to be with the incredibly fragile humans they didn't want to kill. Damon only tried letting Alaric inside him so he didn't always have to worry about controlling himself that way. But he saw the way Stefan wanted more, was holding himself back the way he denied himself everything. Being so in control for her. He wondered if Stefan ever actually let loose. For a split second, the picture of what that might look like filled his head before he shook out the thought. The frequency of that new recurring image did not making getting rid of it any easier.

He paced until he was nauseous and his head was pounding. He took a deep breath and dropped to the floor. Leaning back against the post of his bed, he let his eyes close for a few moments. He was so fucking tired.

* * *

Damon walked downstairs, hand gliding above the smooth polished wooden handrail to find Stefan waiting at the bottom. He looked gorgeous in a tailored suit and shiny wingtip shoes. There was no reason to feel guarded or keep what he was feeling a secret. Stefan was smiling up at him. Damon returned the smile, holding his hand out for Stefan to take.

His lost his footing and suddenly they were crashing against a bed, all skin against skin now. Stefan rolled on top of him, still smiling. Damon was pretty pleased as well, leaning in to touch Stefan's face but his little brother pulled away.

Stefan looked Damon over, his smile fading quickly. Damon tried to pull him closer, but Stefan shook his head with a look that was quickly changing to disgust. Damon squirmed under him trying to get some friction, but Stefan kept moving away.

Damon's reach became more frantic, grasping for his brother and only grabbing air. He tried calling his brother's name, but his mouth was sealed shut.

No, his mouth was being _held_ shut by strong slender fingers.

He stretched sideways, trying to see behind him, but all he saw were wicked teeth in a sea of inky darkness. He looked back up to where Stefan was standing now, no longer against him. Stefan walked towards the darkness in a football uniform and Damon scrambled to get up. He couldn't get off the ground, twisting in place, reaching forward.

A young girls voice taunted in a singsong voice from the darkness behind him, "You can't have him."

Damon growled, but still nothing came out. He watched in horror as the darkness compacted in on itself until it was a lithe soft shadow with arms stretched out toward Stefan.

He heard a woman laugh but he couldn't tell if it was coming from the shadow in front of him, or the darkness behind him. They were the same damn thing.

A cold shudder went down his neck and his head tipped all the way backwards until he was being pulled further into the darkness. He looked up in time to see Stefan fall into the shadow's embrace.

The voice continued, "See? He belongs to her now."

Damon tried calling Stefan's name, begging him not to leave, but his brother was fading into the shadow with an expression absolute bliss. Damon kept trying to scream until finally Stefan looked back him. Cold whispers surrounding them. Distracted, Stefan started to grow concerned as the shadows wrapped around him. Multiplying like tentacles and twisting him up.

The shadow fleshed out as more of Stefan disappeared. The same wicked teeth appearing on a girl's face where Stefan used to stand.

This wasn't real. Damon knew that, but he still thrashed as he fell, devoured by the darkness.

The laughter echoed louder, separating until it wasn't one woman, but two.

At last, Damon's mouth split open and he screamed.

* * *

Damon thrashed against the floor and sat up, catching himself. The nightmare happened again. His fingers started running back and forth on the smooth wood, reminding himself he was awake. He looked around his room, comforted by the daylight. His head felt tender where it collided with the cold floor.

The details were already blurring except for the acrid burn of the last sour note on the back of his tongue. The silent screams were still caught in his throat, and he sucked in a breath deep enough to swallow them.

Stefan belonged to _no one_ except Damon.

Those bitches weren't going to take him away.

Wait,

 _what_?

Confused by his own line of thought, Damon shook his head vigorously. As things settled a bright beam of clarity pierced through the fog.

He never really understood jealousy. Getting what he wanted usually proved ridiculously easy through charm or compulsion. But this. This miserable feeling. This would not do at all.

So okay, he was a little jealous. Or, well, outrageously fucking jealous. Of _Elena_. He wanted what she had, to be in full possession of his brother. The secret that was bursting to get out of the coffin he nailed it under. Why had he not understood sooner? Because seriously,

well,

_shit._


	11. Forever In This Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry." Damon announced. He surprised himself by discarding all the buildup he had been mentally rehearsing, but he immediately felt better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You gotta listen to this song

I'm the same man now that I was when I changed  
See, the birth of a star is a death of its fate.  
Brother, Brother,  
Make my soul be found.  
[Stand Still – Reuben and the Dark](https://youtu.be/DTHI93IvM6g?list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

As was their habit, the brothers pretended nothing had happened for a few days. Damon could see the way not talking ate away at Stefan though, knew his little brother was trying to sort out Damon's behavior by himself. Now that he had a name for this constant aching feeling inside him, he felt incredibly different about letting Stefan get strung out on his own secrets.

Damon waited until Stefan was home alone. There was no way he'd be caught admitting mistakes in front of anyone else. Not that he knew exactly what he was apologizing for. He found himself walking laps in the hallway while Stefan was at the desk in the study writing in his journal.

Turns out Stefan broke first. "Damon, enough!"

Knowing how to handle Stefan being mad at him better than anything, Damon turned into the room burying all his insecurities rather successfully.

"What is your problem?"

Stefan shot him a glare before dropping back down. "You're pacing like a maniac and it's driving me crazy. Would you sit down or go away?"

Momentarily abashed by his nerves being so noticeable, but too caught up in them to leave, Damon slumped backwards. The couch caught his fall, and he landed with a huff.

"Thank you." Stefan mumbled without looking up from his notebook.

"I'm sorry." Damon announced. He surprised himself by discarding all the buildup he had been mentally rehearsing, but he immediately felt better.

With a dismissive wave of his hand, Stefan continued what he was doing. "It's not a big deal. Just distracting."

It took a minute for Damon to process that response, not at all being what he was expecting. Then he realized he and Stefan weren't referring to the same thing. Like it was totally normal for Damon to go around making amends for things. "No, not for that. I'm apologizing for the other night."

Slowly, Stefan raised his head. He barely met Damon's eyes but he leaned forward, offering his attention. When he didn't say anything, Damon continued.

"I'm not sure what happened, exactly." Damon lied, stopped himself, and then tried again. "I mean, I do know, but I didn't mean for it to happen. I hope I didn't make Elena too upset." He couldn't say what he hoped Stefan's reaction to be. He honestly didn't know. But Stefan didn't seem angry when he walked in on them, and if they didn't talk about it for days, he couldn't be too angry about it now. Damon had no clue if that was good or bad.

"Elena didn't notice. I wasn't going to tell her." Stefan leaned back in his chair, eyes falling back to Damon, studying him carefully. His fingers drummed against the desk. "If you know what happened, tell me."

Stefan was offering the chance for Damon to explain himself, which gave him a small comfort. He wanted to spin the truth, but he could tell by the look on Stefan's face that he was resigned to hearing a deception, and for once, he'd rather be honest. He winced as he struggled to get the words out. "I wasn't really... conscious."

"You were sleepwalking." It was a statement more than a question, but it filled in the gaps just the same.

"Yeah, I've been sleepwalking." Damon felt like pulling his own teeth to admit to it, but Stefan didn't seem surprised. "It only happens sometimes. I've tried blocking my path, but I guess you've noticed how much good that does."

"The broken door. The destroyed furniture."

"Yeah." Damon fidgeted under Stefan's concerned gaze.

"So you were sleepwalking that night, and you left when you woke up?"

"Of course," Damon said quickly, too convinced of Stefan's negative reaction if he told him the wretched details. It was sort of true; snapping out of whatever sex haze induced staring contest he had been falling into felt a lot like waking up again. He found Stefan looking at him intently. "Even my subconscious is suspicious of all the sex noises you two make." He smiled; pleased he could be honest without losing himself.

Stefan seemed less amused, but was still looking at him carefully. "What else is happening? If it's sleepwalking, that usually means you're going towards or away from something."

"We've lived too long not to have a few rough nights every once in a while, brother." Damon sat back, breaking eye contact and staring at his hands.

"It's a bit more than wandering the halls."

Maybe his brother already knew too much. He could feel the incisive gaze and his face crumpled. "Just a nightmare here and there."

There was silence for a few moments. Damon could feel the concern radiating off of Stefan, figured the catalogue of questions to potentially expose all of Damon's secrets was spinning again. Finally he heard, "What are your nightmares about, brother?"

"It doesn't matter. They aren't real." He said quietly. It couldn't be a lie if he didn't know if that were true or not.

"Her?" Stefan responded just as quiet, as if he were afraid the very name would set Damon off. It didn't matter which _her_ he was referring to. "You know, if you wanted to talk about her, about any of them, we could."

There was an overwhelming sense of relief to chalk up the women that came between them as a distant distraction. His miserable failures at settling for everyone who never wanted him anyway.

"Now, now." Damon stood finally, drained at the attempt of opening up and ready to go back to their normal arguments. "We mustn't start comparing notes on the girls now. Unless you're willing to lend me yours for my own thorough research." He smiled wide and wagged his eyebrows.

Crossing his arms, Stefan glared. "If it's notes you're after, I'll give you those. Elena isn't available for your personal case studies."

Damon's face lit up in surprise. "You have notes? Seriously?"

"No." Rolling his eyes, Stefan moved his pen and closed his journal. "Shut up."

Damon let it go with a smirk. Grateful the topic changed and his issues seemed to be dropped without too much awkwardness, Damon walked over to pour himself a well-deserved scotch.

"Thanks for telling me." Stefan said softly.

The bottle in Damon's hand wavered over his glass, making his drink a triple. Stefan knew how much Damon hated admitting weakness. It was why Damon could only tell him a fraction of his sleeping troubles. If Stefan knew the rest of it, well, that couldn't happen.


	12. Watch Over Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't know how Damon could keep going through the days on as little sleep as he was getting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a shitty shithead. I'm so sorry this took so long to update. I had it ready to go the day after the last chapter, and I have no words to explain myself. Here's the next two chapters to make up for my laziness. Forgives?

You said you'd wait forever, but I blink and the world was gone  
You wade through the water, slowly your hands grow numb  
I wish you'd felt me falling, I wish you'd watch over me  
[And the World Was Gone — Snow Ghosts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMhfJS8HBKM&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=12)

* * *

Stefan spent the next night waiting for Damon to go to bed to see if he'd sleepwalk again. Instead he discreetly watched his brother go through three bottles of scotch without getting up from his spot in front of the fireplace.

Stefan gave up first and went to catch a few hours of sleep before dawn came.

He watched for two weeks. He didn't know how Damon could keep going through the days on as little sleep as he was getting.

The days Elena came over were the days Damon went out. But he stumbled home every night. Alaric became the warning signal. He would call as soon as Damon left the bar with a weak excuse, "I didn't notice how much he drank until he left. He insisted on sleeping in his own bed." Stefan couldn't tell if Alaric was disappointed.

Stefan sent Elena home whenever he got the call. It was hard to make her understand why he needed to watch his brother, so he stopped trying to explain.

Damon came crashing in, drunk and wobbly. When Damon looked around, dizzy and suspicious until he didn't find whatever, or whoever he was looking for, he would suddenly smile. Stefan thought Damon was pleased Elena wasn't there, but the real reason behind that eluded him.

Those nights Damon crossed paths with Elena as he came in and she went out were the nights Stefan watched Damon not even try to sleep. It took three nights in a row for Stefan to put it together. As soon as he did, he came up with reasons for her not to come over. The days she didn't come, Damon didn't leave, and everything seemed okay.

So Stefan stuck around. It was easier than he would have expected. Stefan went home immediately after class and Damon was always there. Damon didn't notice Stefan wasn't staying out, or didn't care.

It was just the two of them again.

They spent the afternoons splitting a bottle, but didn't drink excessively. Stefan wrote in his journal or did homework as Damon sat around reading. They went out and fed separately, but they came home and watched black and white movies or played video games together in the living room until Damon decided to go to bed. They went to sleep in their respective rooms. Stefan, warily leaving his door open just in case, in case of something. He didn't know what he expected. He didn't know if Damon noticed.

He couldn't figure out the trigger for Damon's sleepwalking. If he wasn't worrying so much about what was wrong with his brother, he may have realized they were actually having a good time hanging out together. Being brothers again.

* * *

Damon loved every minute. Their time alone was fun. They'd always been good at drinking together. If Damon sat a little bit closer, put his arm around Stefan's shoulders in order to clink their glasses together, stayed there a little longer than necessary, well, his brother didn't seem to mind.

He was greedy for Stefan's time. Watching Stefan through new eyes, not really noticing his brother, or the self-righteous nuisance, but for the first time really seeing the earnest young man everyone else so easily fell in love with. He knew Stefan was all of those things, all at once, and holy shit, Damon couldn't walk away if he wanted to.

Spending nights listening to his brother's quiet breathing down the hall, blessedly unaccompanied, soothed Damon's raging anxiety as he went to sleep. Stefan could stay alone, Damon tried to convince himself that meant he didn't have break anything else. As long as he could keep himself from reaching out for more, there was the possibility he didn't have to cross those lines he knew would ruin everything.

* * *

By the time the second weekend rolled around, Stefan found himself making lamer excuses for staying home alone every night. He insisted Elena spend the time with her friends, but Elena wouldn't let it go that easily. Stefan had to give his brother a heads-up.

Stefan caught Damon coming up from the basement as he came home after class. Distracted, Damon was the one who looked nervous for once and wiped his hand over his mouth. There were no flecks of blood or signs of it anywhere else except for the wafting delicious scent of metallic warmth lingering in the air. Stefan knew well enough about the stash of bags in the basement, but it was usually an emergency situation that Damon broke into them. He thought his brother only operated with a fresh supply.

The words left him as Stefan's eyes fell closed and he inhaled slowly. The moment of savoring ended as Damon cleared his throat and Stefan's eyes opened. Frowning, Damon shut the door behind him with his heel, and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

Trying to snap himself out of it, Stefan rubbed the tingling out of his eyes. "I, uh, I was looking for you."

Damon swept his arms in front of him before crossing them against his chest. "You found me."

"Elena is coming over." The change in Damon's expression was small. Figuring out why would be easier if Damon looked at him instead of the wall. "Is that okay?"

Instead of some kind of snarky remark, Damon shrugged.

"It's not today. Tomorrow, she's going to be hanging out here."

"Okay." Damon said slowly, waiting for some kind of elaboration.

"Alaric will probably be home." Stefan suggested.

Damon's eyes widened and flicked to Stefan's before he went back to studying the wall. "Yeah. He usually is. I'll probably be home too."

Staring in slight confusion, Stefan nodded. He couldn't focus on why his brother was being so weird. His mouth watered and his lungs were tight. "I have to go hunt."

Stepping in front of him suddenly, Damon's eyes were back on him. "Do you have your phone?"

Patting the device in his pocket, Stefan nodded. "Of course."

"Don't get kidnapped this time." Smirking in the way Stefan hated, but at least was used to, Damon stepped out of the way.

"Yeah, good advice." Stefan rolled his eyes, grateful Damon had dropped of his forced aloofness. "You could always come with me." He surprised himself by asking.

Silent for a moment, probably pretending to think about it for all Stefan knew, Damon itched at the corners of his mouth again. "I'm set, actually. Maybe another time."

"Sure." Stefan crossed back to the front door, zipping up his hoodie. "I'll be out a while."

Behind him, Damon snickered. "Give Bambi my regards."


	13. Pain of the Fear of Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rustle of sheets and a strained cry from his brother had Stefan at the door in a heartbeat.

"Oh, the terrible struggle that I have had against sleep so often of late, the pain of sleeplessness, or the pain of the fear of sleep, and with such unknown horrors as it has for me! How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads, to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams."  
[Lucy Westenra's Diary, Dracula](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFgkp7x7eHI&index=13&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Stefan hunted in the forest nearby and fed quickly. Since he was already out, he went for a run. He went further than usual, working out in the denser areas of the trees and burning off built up anxiety he couldn't explain. When he eventually came home it was after midnight but he was wide-awake. He assumed Damon would be out with Alaric for a while, and made his way to his bedroom to strum on his guitar while he had the house to himself.

He didn't make it far.

Thrashing caught Stefan's attention. The rustle of sheets and a strained cry from his brother had Stefan at the door in a heartbeat. He leaned against the door, listening carefully, wary of walking in on a mistaken moan. But the sound leaking out wasn't pleasure, or even the deceptive pain-pleasure he'd heard from his brother's room from time to time. He didn't pause to think how fucked it up it was that he could categorize Damon's sex sounds. That didn't matter when it sounded like Damon was crying.

He moved into action. The door swung open and he rushed to his knees beside the bed. Damon's face was twisted in pain, the sheets tied around his bare hips and legs with the pillows tossed to the floor, but he wasn't physically injured as far as Stefan could tell.

Tentatively, Stefan stood, afraid to wake Damon, but unwilling to leave him to whatever nightmare he was clearly having. Damon turned and thrashed again, slamming his hands down beside him before he curled up on his side, covering his face with his arms. It muffled the sound he had been making, but not enough to disguise the strangled whimper of a word.

Not just any word. A _name._

 

" _Stefan._ "

 

Surprised that he had anything to do with this, Stefan knelt again, hand resting on Damon's shoulder out of reflex. His brother's skin felt rubbery, the muscles beneath trembling.

"I'm right here." He squeezed slightly, hoping to rouse Damon out of the dream carefully.

Damon stilled for a moment, going quiet completely. Stefan waited in silence as well. When Damon started shaking again, Stefan rubbed his hand over Damon's arm from elbow to shoulder and back again. "It's okay, Damon. You're okay." He doubted his own comfort, but at the sound of his voice, Damon seemed to be calming. "What's wrong?"

Damon turned again, uncovering his face and stretching out of his curled up position. His eyes spun like a marble under the delicate skin of his eyelids, deep in the dream cycle of REM sleep. Stefan couldn't miss the next name either.

"Elena."

Stefan jerked his hand back. What the hell did Elena have to do with anything? "She's at home. Her house." Stefan examined Damon again, wondering what dream his brother could be having about Elena that caused him so much anguish. It didn't take long before another clue slipped out.

" _Mine_ , mine mineminemine mine."

"Shhhhh," Stefan leaned forward, stroking his hand through Damon's sweat slick hair. The sound got choked up in Stefan's throat, his entire body seizing up, refusing to acknowledge that Damon wanted Elena even in his sleep. His hand stopped on the back of Damon's neck, silent again, as Damon's muttering grew more frantic.

"Nonono ElenaNoStefans, minemineminemine."

It was too much, too confusing. Stefan put the pillows back on the bed and gently untangled the sheet from Damon's legs before pulling it over him. Moving towards the door, he took one look back as his brother started twisting again, head rolling into the space Stefan had touched him and burrowing into the pillows. Every time he thought they were making progress, finding some kind of balance, Damon's subconscious had to escape.

There was so much more happening than sleepwalking, and Stefan doubted Damon would ever admit to this. He was weary and wary of Damon's secrets.

"I don't know how to help you, brother."

Damon started muttering louder, thrashing harder while Stefan stood there watching. His big brother needed him. Before he over-thought it, Stefan went back inside and moved an armchair out of the corner of the room. He remembered the way Damon slept peacefully against him on the couch the month before, but couldn't bring himself to invade Damon's personal space like that without consent. He briefly considered pushing into Damon's dream to get some kind of idea of what was going on, but he had never been particularly good at it, and Damon would be furious if he figured it out.

Instead he shrugged out of his hoodie and outer shirt until he was left in jeans and a thin tank top. He brought his chair all the way to the edge of the bed and leaned back in, resting his hand on Damon's shoulder while tracing small circles against his skin.

The gesture worked on his brother too, Damon settling instantly. Rubbing over his face, Stefan relaxed as best as he could in the chair and kept his fingers moving as he closed his eyes.


	14. Walk Till I've No Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His eyes burned with unshed tears. Her laughter was getting louder, but he couldn't move his arms to cover his ears.

You are the sun to the earth  
You are the light of this world  
Why won't you see?  
You are the hand I can't reach  
You are the words I can't speak  
[Lullaby – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aZz_gcCWXw&index=14&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Damon watched his brother disappear again.

The girl that took his place was the same wretched creature he had to look at day after day in his house. He cursed seeing the same person consuming his brother every time he closed his eyes.

He tried fighting back, but there was no more air in his lungs.

Shadowy smoke throbbed and pulsed against Damon. He was being twisted into impossible angles, screaming as icy tendrils slipped around him.

His eyes burned with unshed tears. Her laughter was getting louder, but he couldn't move his arms to cover his ears.

Then, something warm curled over his shoulder. Her laughter got choked up like someone turned the volume down. The warmth slipped slowly lower as the ice slid off of him, extinguishing the inky darkness with a beam of light.

Inch by inch, he could move one arm, and then the other as the darkness slipped away. The incredible warmth, not burning, not aching, just a comfortable sensation from his shoulder spread through his whole body. His hand came up, trying to grab it, to understand what the weight on his body was, but as soon as he reached for it, his eyes opened.

Damon sat up, gasping deep breaths.

He was in his room, in the darkness again, but not the one that terrified him. The warmth on his shoulder was still there, but this time when he reached for it, he felt the solid weight of his brother's hand.

His head cleared a little, realizing the physical presence of Stefan had changed his dream. He tilted his head, barely brushing his chin over his brother's knuckles as he smiled.

Damon put his hand on the man's forearm. "Thank you, brother."

Stefan was in such deep sleep he barely even stirred.

* * *

"Stefan!"

A hand squeezed his arm and Stefan's eyes flew open. Damon's room was bathed in shadows, dawn still hours away, but Stefan could see Damon's hair gone awry, his face creased with pillow lines and bewilderment. It probably matched Stefan's.

He sat up and leaned forward. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

Damon moved over, pulling Stefan along where his hand was still gripping Stefan's arm.

"What are you talking about? Why are you snoring in my chair?"

Stefan went with Damon's guiding, not considering he was crawling into Damon's bed until he lay there with Damon pulling the blankets around them. "I, uh, you were having a nightmare. I was worried about you. But, I didn't want to impose."

"Your jeans are filthy. I don't know where you were hunting, but they have to go. You're not staining my sheets with animal blood."

Stefan paused, not sure how to take the invitation. He hadn't meant to stick around as long as he had. Didn't know what it meant that Damon seemed to want him to stay.

Damon gestured with his chin, impatient. "Off."

The decision wasn't much of one to make. Stefan rolled his eyes but shuffled out of the offending fabric. As soon as the pants hit the floor, he turned and glared at Damon. "Dude, I'm not staying here if you're naked."

"Oh." Damon looked down at where the blankets pooled around his waist. He quickly leaned over the other side of the bed, his bare ass turned up before he straightened out and tugged on some tight black underwear. "Happy?"

"Thrilled." Stefan muttered as he leaned back against the pillows.

Smiling softly, Damon looked over at Stefan then lay back down. The bed was massive, custom made to probably fit a half dozen people decently if no one moved much, but Damon lay close enough for their arms to touch. As soon as Stefan's head hit the pillow, Damon closed his eyes. He looked like he could fall right back to sleep.

Stefan's chest started fluttering suddenly and his mouth went dry like he hadn't fed in weeks. His eyes fell shut in the onslaught of a million memories.

"Stop freaking out. We used to do this all the time."

Stefan opened one eye and peered over at Damon, wondering if he was reading Stefan's mind. "I remember." Things were simpler then and not a day went by that Stefan didn't miss them. "You were usually the one looking out for me though."

"Usually?" Damon kept his eyes closed and dug his elbow into Stefan's side.

Groaning, Stefan rolled away. "The most. Whatever. All the time."

"That's what I thought." Damon smirked, speaking slower as he edged closer back to sleep. "You were _always_ sneaking into my room as soon as the nanny put you to bed. You hated sleeping alone."

"I still do." Stefan admitted.

He felt Damon nod slowly then move closer to make up for the room Stefan put between them.

They fit like this, alone in the dark. Nothing supernatural or uncomfortable about them. No one out to get them, or get between them. This was the parts of humanity Stefan missed but could never duplicate with anyone else. It was just nighttime, and they were normal brothers who spent significant parts of their lives as each other's closest friends, no matter how infuriating or depressing that fact was.

Damon's breathing steadied, puffing gently against Stefan's shoulder. He relaxed as well, trying to find a position to rest where he wasn't crowded against his big brother.

With a sigh, Damon shifted around, grabbing Stefan's chin and pinning it in place. He huffed a laugh, but didn't open his eyes more than enough to peer through his lashes. "Quit squirming."

"Sorry. I'll go back to my room." The words came out mumbled with Damon still holding his jaw.

The hand tightened painfully for a second, and then Damon let go. "If you want. But you don't have to." His fingers started moving on Stefan's chest. Right above the spot his heart was thudding around like it was trying to get out. Even through the fabric of Stefan's shirt, he could feel the familiar lazy circles.

No, he wanted to stay. By way of answering, he shifted the pillow under his head and got comfortable. He let his eyes close, feeling Damon's hand move in time to his breathing.

As Stefan was starting to doze off, a firm press of dry soft lips against his own drew him out. His mouth fell open, breathless, but his brother had already pulled away.

"What—"

"I'm glad you're here. Thank you for staying."

Blinking furiously, Stefan turned so they were facing each other. Apprehension came back like a sledgehammer in his chest. "Damon, the other night—"

Damon's hand slapped over his face again, cutting him off. "Don't," he whispered softly before nudging Stefan backward and tucking himself against Stefan's side. He moved his hand from Stefan's mouth and draped it over his waist instead. "Don't make it more than what it is."

Tripped up by the questions roaring for dominance inside him, Stefan sensed Damon fall asleep the second his head hit Stefan's chest, effectively steamrolling over the problem of keeping a little space between them. He touched his lips nervously unsure if the tingling sensation would go away. It took a few minutes for Stefan's heart to find its rhythm again.

He spent his entire lifetime knowing everything about his big brother, but he didn't know what _this_ was. The casual intimacy being wrapped around each other wasn't something he thought he could have anymore. This wasn't the volatile, abrasive, sarcastic version of Damon everyone else split between them. This was the big brother he had before Elena existed, before Katherine, before a century and a half passed them over, before they had to let go so Damon could serve God and Country to please a father who inevitably hated them both.

He wrapped his arms around Damon, pulling him closer and settling that way. He thought Damon was already out but right before he drifted to sleep he felt Damon squeeze back.

That night Stefan dreamed of games that stretched across acres of wooded land, of girls who only pleased themselves and steel blue eyes that saw straight through him.


	15. Curses We Uttered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So, I shouldn't be flattered?" Damon smiled; grateful Stefan's back was towards him.   
> "Like saying 'no' would stop you." Stefan's snark was all sleep-mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one because the next chapter is a long one. Not sure how I feel about this actually.

And how long must I stay?  
Will I lay by your side  
Just to say that I'm yours  
And you'll never be mine  
[Litost – X Ambassadors](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGr_cyThHkc&index=15&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Damon woke first, surprised to see Stefan still in his bed. More surprised to see himself comfortably draped over his little brother's back while Stefan was sound asleep in his arms. At least this time Damon was the big spoon.

His hand rested low on Stefan's abdomen. The danger of that territory not apparent until Damon's hand brushed against Stefan's morning hardness before he jerked his hand back. "Shit," he yelped, tiny shocks vibrating through his body. He moved his hand higher up Stefan's stomach.

Barely starting to wake, Stefan didn't even turn away. "Happens. Don't worry about it."

Damon bit his lip, looking over Stefan's shoulder where his hand rested mere inches away from the hard bulge pushing against the elastic of the boxers. He could almost make out the exact shape of the tip softened by fabric before he looked away.

"So, I shouldn't be flattered?" Damon smiled; grateful Stefan's back was towards him. He didn't know where the teasing came from, and he really needed some coffee before he lost all control of his mouth. Or put it to a different use.

"Like saying 'no' would stop you." Stefan's snark was all sleep-mumbled as he arched his back into Damon's chest and bumped his feet against Damon's legs under the blankets. "Seventeen forever," he laughed wryly. "Doesn't take much."

"I remember," Damon muttered, keeping his arm tight over Stefan's body.

It could be taken a few ways, he figured. His own time as a teenager, or the countless times he noticed Stefan going through his awkward stages. The idea of that being part of his curse seemed all the more unfortunate. No wonder Stefan kept up the long-term girlfriends. He had to have some regular relief.

"Do you want some help with that?" He curled his fingers a little, bluntly digging into the cut muscles of Stefan's abdomen. He shifted his hips a little, backing away from Stefan's ass before the rest of his body got the same reckless idea.

Stefan made a strangled noise as his eyes flew open. He grabbed Damon's hand off his body as it slid an inch lower. "Don't."

"Why not?" He teased, stomping down the instinct to be a little offended. Of course he knew why not. It'd be a first for them. Stefan had never done more than feed on guys as far as Damon knew. Plus that whole _brothers_ thing. Stefan was sure to be hung up on those sorts of rules. Not to mention the fact that obviously Stefan wouldn't want Damon that way.

He cautiously looked up to see Stefan staring at him. Expecting Stefan to yell all those reasons, to yell about anything, instead Damon saw a wash of shame on Stefan's face as he whispered, "Elena."

And that was not even a reason Damon considered, but of course Stefan would think her most important. He waited a moment to see if all those other—better—actual—reasons would spew out, but Stefan only dropped his gaze.

The offer was meant as a joke anyway. One that Damon was almost pretty sure he was not at all a tiny bit serious about. For the hell of it. Probably. Well, just because he realized he wanted to, didn't mean he ever expected to act on his feelings. He pulled his hand out of Stefan's grip and crossed his arms behind his head to keep his hands to himself.

"So what?" Damon snapped, fighting the urge to power kick Stefan out of his bed and onto the floor.

"So what?" Stefan repeated. He huffed, looking at Damon skeptically. "So, that isn't what we do." Stefan's gaze flicked away embarrassed, like he was the one who offered to stroke his brother's cock.

Rolling his eyes, Damon sat up and scratched through his hair. He meant to let Stefan leave first so he could put some more clothes on before revealing his own awakened dick, but Stefan's attitude seemed to take care of things. "Work on your sense of humor, brother. Feel free to go to your own room any time now." He got out of bed and headed to the shower. Anything to break up the stupid conversation that suddenly made Damon's insides scratchy.

Stefan was downstairs making coffee when Damon got out. The shower did nothing to clear his head. Fuck. It wasn't just jealousy. It was more than a sexual itch he needed to scratch—an overwhelming hunger. He wanted to be with Stefan more than he'd ever wanted anyone. He was going to have to do something about this aching feeling before he exploded. But he couldn't admit anything to Stefan or his brother would be gone forever. He couldn't possibly be this stupid. The tingling dismay clawed away at him.


	16. Gold of the Richest Kings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Does this happen a lot?" He disregarded both girls and frowned at Stefan's downcast face. Oh. Well then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Qis" IS a real word and is very sneaky in the game of Scrabble.

And like the dawn you woke the world inside of me  
You were the brightest shade of sun when I saw you  
_And you will surely be the death of me_  
But how could I have known?  
[Like the Dawn – The Oh Hellos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd9vh89To4M&index=16&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Morning aside, Damon had the best night's sleep he could remember. There were no memorable dreams after Stefan got in bed with him, which was the best Damon could hope for. He wondered what part of having Stefan close all night did that. Brothers? Comforts of childhood? This new thing? Well. The sun came up and he supposed it didn't matter now.

They spent a quiet day around the house. Damon putting his room back together, and Stefan putting lists together for Mystic Falls events for the Caroline. Not really interacting, but keeping to their own projects within earshot of each other. Damon found himself in a pretty good mood.

For the first part of the day anyway. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that Damon came downstairs to a parlor full of teenagers.

"Why is she here?" Damon demanded.

"I'm always here, Damon." Elena smiled, gleefully defiant as she sat on the couch against Stefan's side. "It happens when people date. They spend daylight hours together as well as evening."

Ignoring the dig, Damon waved his arm around. "Of course. You're always welcome here. I don't mean you anyway." He clarified, pointing straight at Bonnie. "I mean her."

Glaring with the kind of distaste reserved for those who found Damon truly vile, Bonnie pursed her lips. "I didn't know you'd be here either."

"It's my house!" Damon snapped. Suddenly he felt suspicious that there was a lot of this going on when he wasn't home. "Does this happen a lot?" He disregarded both girls and frowned at Stefan's downcast face. Oh. Well then.

"I see."

"Well yeah." Elena said simply. "Stefan has people over. You know, they're called friends? Normal people who like to hang with, well, not you, but I'm sure you can imagine it."

Stefan's head snapped up in shock. "Elena…"

She only offered a teasing smile and Damon was too impressed with the burn to be offended. "Oh right, that's what we call people until we're ready to eat them." He winked as her smile fell and he looked back to Stefan. "And how many people should I be expecting to be invading my place tonight?"

"My house too." Stefan wryly corrected.

As Elena opened her mouth, there was a knock on the door. "Only a few more, I'm betting."

"Anybody home? I brought Scrabble!" Caroline's bouncy voice called from the foyer.

Elena grinned like she had won a prize and called out, "We're in here!"

Caroline and Tyler let themselves in and walked through the doorway, holding a rattling box and a bottle of whiskey. Caroline's smile faltered for a second when she saw Damon, but then turned up even brighter. "Oh, hi! Nice of you to join us!"

"It's my house!" Damon repeated, saving his glaring for Stefan.

"Of course it is, Damon." Elena smiled sweetly again. It made him feel like she was talking to a senile grandfather or inept child. It was maddening how she constantly undermined that fact that she was in a house of vampires. "We're having a few couples over so we can pick up our normal game night."

Normal. There was that word again. His humor evaporated at the reminder that their world wasn't built for him. What was the fucking appeal of behavior that really only signified a lack of imagination? Damon looked around and grumbled, "It's uneven."

Caroline nodded, looking sympathetically at Bonnie. "He's right. Matt had to pick up a shift tonight. He's not coming." She grabbed the bottle out of Tyler's hand and walked up to Damon holding the label facing out for him. "You'll stay and play a round or two though right?"

Reading the vintage of his bribe, Damon looked up in appreciation. At least Tyler always had good shit, something he must have nipped from his family stash. He took the bottle out of her hand and tucked it under his arm. "Fine. I'll be on Stefan's team."

"No way, boy-girl only. He's already on a team." Elena put a possessive arm over Stefan's chest like that would make Damon take her seriously.

After a brief internal pep talk to keep from smacking himself in the face, or snapping everyone's neck, he narrowed his eyes at Bonnie, "Guess that leaves..."

"Uh, like hell am I going to be on a team with him!" Bonnie shrieked.

Damon cocked his head to the side. "You can always leave." His smile faltered at her glare and he suddenly remembered the piercing pain she was capable of inflicting on him with a thought.

"No one's leaving." Elena interjected. She stood up beside Caroline and looked over at Stefan, who was still stoically staring at the floor. "Okay, we'll mix it up. Bonnie can team with Stefan and I'll team with Tyler, and Caroline can have Damon."

Bonnie looked dubiously at Stefan. "Can Tyler and I team instead? No offense, but you're never really in it to win it."

He met her eyes and laughed. "You're just mad I know longer words than you."

Damon looked between them all and got the grandfather feeling back again. He could tell they did this regularly, and their bickering felt comfortable. He also suspected Bonnie's problem with Stefan had more to do with what Stefan was than his game strategy. There was really only one way he was willing to play this stupid game, and the vindictive part of him wanted to make it as awkward as possible. He caught Caroline's attention before he dragged his eyes up her body and winked. Startled, she stepped back against Tyler.

"Oh, right. Maybe Damon and I shouldn't be a team either."

Nodding understandingly, Damon tried to look sincere, "Given our history, maybe that would be more appropriate. Blondie can be on Stefan's team then." Triumphant, Damon slid to Elena. "Guess that leaves me and you, sweetheart."

"What?" Elena squeaked. She glanced at Stefan but he kept a well-crafted blank expression. With a loud sigh Elena relented. "Fine, I'll set it up in the dining room." Elena took the box from Caroline and turned abruptly.

They all followed her, Damon smirking behind them.

* * *

"Triple word- that's 36 points!" Elena cheered.

"' _Qis_ ' is not a real word."

Damon smiled up at Bonnie. "Is that an official challenge?"

She drummed her fingers against the table, looking at everyone's expectant face. She sighed and slumped back. "No."

"Those are our last tiles. We win again!" Elena held up her hand and Damon obligingly slapped it.

Stefan looked between them warily. The whole night had gone pretty much like that. Game night with his friends and his brother was not his idea. He wasn't sure what Damon was really playing at, but he knew there was something behind his brother's jovial act. It had to do something with the night before, like a weakness Damon was trying to make up for. That somehow turned into Elena and Damon becoming best friends. Incessant pressure built up behind his eyes the whole time they had been playing. It was distracting.

Caroline put her hand on his shoulder, getting his attention. "It's alright. We didn't do too bad."

"Wait!" Elena smacked her hands onto the table. "Detract points for your remaining tiles." She grinned. "We don't have final scores yet."

"Do we really have to make our failure official?" Stefan dragged the last few tiles on his stand around and dumped them into Caroline's hand.

Elena pulled everyone's scores together and looked them over. "Ha! We mega-win!"

"Well, this was enough fun for one night." Bonnie said dryly. "I think it's time to go home."

Tyler agreed and started tossing the pieces back in the box.

"Come on, one more game, you still have a chance!" Elena beamed, undeterred by the two games they had already won.

Caroline and Tyler shared a look and made their way to the door. Caroline smiled over her shoulder. "Tonight was fun, guys. Thanks for playing, Damon. Definitely made it interesting. We'll see you all later."

"We do make a good team. You're just as ruthless as I am." Damon looked over at Elena and smiled wider as she flinched. Stefan noticed Elena's reaction first, and then Damon's. He couldn't tell if it was meant to be an insult or compliment.

"I am not." Elena sat up straighter unable to hide the amusement sparkling in her glare.

Damon narrowed his eyes, teasing softly. "Are too."

"Enough." Stefan interrupted quietly. He wished his head would explode to relieve the pressure. Instead he stood up. "I'm going hunting. Bonnie, will you give Elena a ride home?"

Surprised, Elena looked up at him. "But I won, I want to celebrate."

Stefan looked at Damon for a few seconds then back at Elena. "Well, I lost. I want to eat something." He hated admitting it out loud and the disturbed look in Elena's eyes was precisely why. She looked back at him with a mix of concern and disapproval. As if he could try a little harder not to be a slave to the blood, she'd be able to have a normal boyfriend. The sudden shame burned in his throat.

Damon looked between Stefan and Elena, and his smirked twisted. "I'll take you home."

"I got it." Bonnie said, protectively grabbing Elena's arm. "We have class notes to go over anyway."

Shrugging, Damon stood as his cruel smile dropped. "I'll go with Stefan then."

Damon avoided Stefan's stare and again Stefan wondered what Damon really wanted. It was getting late, and Damon didn't seem to be going out to the bar any time soon. If Stefan was an unwise man, he may even believe Damon genuinely wanted to hang out with Stefan for a while. Even if that meant catching rabbits.

Whatever. He could deal with whatever Damon was really getting at later. "Let's go then."

"But Stefan," Elena protested.

"What?" he snapped.

Bonnie and Damon stood beside the couple silently watching the exchange.

"You've spent every night the past few weeks home. I thought we would, you know..." She blushed furiously and looked pointedly at Stefan.

That was true enough, as Damon was the first to notice when they woke up, but Stefan was too exhausted and hungry and upset. Being reminded of his awkward morning wasn't helping. "We can get together tomorrow if you really want. Not tonight. I need to feed, Elena."

Bonnie tugged on Elena's arm again. "I'm taking you home. Leave them to their business."

"But…"

"Goodnight, Elena." Stefan and Damon said in unison, and then glanced at each other in surprise before Damon turned away unable to hide a smirk.

Elena looked between them with a mixture of confusion and annoyance as she let Bonnie lead her out.

They waited in silence as Bonnie's car left the driveway. Stefan stared at his brother while Damon averted his eyes to the ceiling.

"What the hell was up with you tonight?" Stefan spat out.

"Me? Nothing." Damon started walking away with his hands buried in his pockets but Stefan stayed right on his heels, determined to get real answers.

"That's bullshit." Stefan continued. "You were good with Elena being here, you participated in the game-you even looked like you were enjoying it."

Damon turned around and crossed his arms together. "Was there a question somewhere in there? Or was that another diary entry titled 'Things Damon Did Today that Bother Me'?"

"I know something is going on."

Damon's bottom lip curled under his teeth and his eyes narrowed. "And you think I'm going to tell you?"

"No. It's obvious anyway. You two made a good team." Stefan took a step back toward the dining room. He felt wrong immediately, knowing he was off, but not why. But there were too many ways things could go badly for Stefan to process exactly what he thinking. "It's just... after the last couple weeks, I thought we were starting to get along. That you'd stop trying to sabotage my relationship and steal my girlfriend."

Damon's mouth dropped open and eyebrows shot sky-high. He shook his head a few times. "I beg your unbelievable pardon?"

Stefan sighed as he pulled the chair out and sat again. It was the least aggressive move he could make. He looked up at Damon, knowing he couldn't hide his frustration. He was tired of fighting.

"I'm not an idiot. I know there's something going on between you two."

"Yes, you are an idiot." Damon relented and sank into the chair beside Stefan. "But I probably am too."

It felt like a confession, but Stefan didn't have any clue what his brother could be admitting. He opened his mouth, but no words would come out so he closed it again. Instead, he watched Damon tracing the grain of the table with the tip of his finger. Damon continued without looking up.

"You're the one that wants to be normal. So I tried it for the night to see what the big deal was."

"And?" Stefan glanced at the profile of Damon's face. He knew better than to be hopeful, but something like it wriggled around inside him where he tried to strangle the feeling.

"Didn't care for it." His brother said simply.

Not really any surprise. Even when the entire table was filled with supernaturals: vampires, witches, werewolves and doppelgängers, Stefan didn't exactly fit in either. He was still ages older than his friends— _her friends_ —and the only one whose past was stained with the rust of so much dried blood. There were parts about his life no one would understand. The parts he was happy to push aside. The parts Damon shared, but refused to push anywhere but back in Stefan's face.

"You don't have to do that. Try, I mean." Stefan said slowly as he thought about it. "Maybe you're not meant for it."

Damon looked sharply at him out of the corner of his eye. "Of course I'm not. I'm not going to let her make me feel ashamed of what I am. And neither should you. Why pretend to be average when you're infinitely superior?"

A million reasons came to mind, but things like 'fitting in' and 'distraction from the bloodlust' and 'belonging somewhere' weren't really convincing arguments for his brother. Superiority was almost exclusively Damon's complex anyway. So what was the point? Stefan rubbed his hands through his hair and stood up again.

"I really do want to feed. I should go now while the sun is going down."

Scowling in thought while he chewed on his lip, Damon turned where he was sitting and pointed one long finger at Stefan. "Wait. Have you really not had sex with Elena in weeks?"

"Oh my god, I'm not talking to you about this." Stefan shook his head and went to get his hoodie.

"That's not a no!" Damon shouted behind him.

"It's none of your business." Stefan muttered back, despite the sudden anxiety flaring up when he thought about the reason.

"I don't understand. She was kind of desperate for it. Why didn't you go home with her?"

Stefan zipped the hoodie up as he leaned against the entrance of the dining room where Damon still sat. "Look, I wasn't lying when I told you last night I was worried about you. And I know what happens when she comes over. So I was going to spend another night around here." He fully expected Damon to scoff or get upset and braced himself for potentially being thrown into a wall.

"Oh." Surprise transformed into troubled thought as Damon stared at his hands on the table. "Okay."

Stefan felt his mind stutter over all the arguments he had prepared to say to defend his decision and was almost disappointed he couldn't use them.

"Really?"

Damon looked back up to him. "The two of us have been hanging out together for a while. I don't know. It's been okay, right?"

Blinking rapidly Stefan wondered where his brother was and who possessed his body. He expected Damon to resist the idea of being coddled. At the very least to push Stefan away in favor of a warmer body. The hesitant way Damon looked up at him then quickly away, didn't make Stefan worry the way it should. Again, he felt the idea of being hopeful. That was terrifying.

"What's happening here?" He blurted out.

Closing his eyes, Damon smirked. It was a uniquely Damon smirk, but not the one that made Stefan's head explode. "You know me too well."

"Tell me." Stefan insisted.

Damon stood up and leaned over the table. "No." There was a casual defiance in his eyes that sent a chill through Stefan.

"You will eventually." Stefan persisted, ignoring the uneasy feeling. "You always do."

Some internal debate clouded Damon's expression and he shrugged. "Maybe."

"Fine." Stefan sighed. It wasn't like he expected much anyway. "Are you coming?"

Damon took the mostly empty bottle to his lips and finished it off before appearing by Stefan's side. Stefan took a step back but Damon didn't make any more sudden moves.

"Sure. Why the hell not."


	17. Lose Your Heart in History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan sighed. Well, Damon had held out a lot longer than he expected.

Awesome prince, get your sleep  
Lose your heart in history  
Make us laugh or nothing will  
I set a fire just to see what it kills  
[Little Faith – The National](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XGLwRn6jjw&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=17)

* * *

Watching Damon hunt, swooping up rabbits and tossing them back to Stefan as quickly as he caught them was, well, kind of hilarious. Damon was all grace, lithe and fast, but as quickly as he caught up to one creature, he bent over like he was picking up loose coins every time he had to stop and grab another one.

"This is stupid!" Damon finally announced, holding the last rabbit by its leg, already dead. Stefan's usual technique was the same. Don't let the animal suffer, end it before drinking it. Stefan slowed down, coming to a stop still ten feet behind Damon.

"Well, I didn't expect you to do all the work for me," Stefan offered, wiping his mouth on the hem of his sleeve.

"Not that," Damon growled, looking behind him and turning around so quickly Stefan almost missed catching the dead rabbit flying at him. "Rabbits." Damon said slowly, as if his meaning was obvious.

"Uh, yeah. Rabbits." Stefan repeated, swallowing the last few drops and looking around for a good place to casually discard the carcass.

"This is what crazy people do!" Damon exclaimed. He glared through narrow eyes. "It's like filling up on candy when dinner is in the next room."

Stefan sighed. Well, Damon had held out a lot longer than he expected.

"You know what happens when I…"

"No, no, no." Damon interrupted. "Don't give me that shit. You don't have to go Ripper if you drink intentionally instead of being shoved off the wagon. You're learning to control it. You've been sipping on Elena." Stefan caught Damon roll his eyes as he continued. "—you could be drinking the bags downstairs at the very least. Microwaved dinners are still better than random things you find on the ground. Dead animals are everywhere. You could drain a hundred of these things and clearly they won't sate you."

They'd had this argument somewhere around a hundred million times. Stefan wasn't even fazed by Damon's ranting at this point. "Remember? You don't have any say in this." Stefan responded calmly once Damon seemed to run out of breath.

Damon bristled. "Fine. But there's a reason you slip, and I know you could be doing better—we should be doing better by now…" He was clearly disgusted by the whole thing but Stefan wasn't backing down either. Damon's eyes carried a fierce intensity before he took another breath, softening. "Come on. I could actually help you switch over. Teach you to feed in ways that don't make you hate yourself. We can do it right."

It wasn't the first time Damon made this kind of offer, but Stefan couldn't think of a time he'd actually believed his big brother was looking out for him. His brain got stuck on the whole _"we"_ part. Mutual accountability was… different.

Unintentionally letting the new words root into his brain while trying to ignore how comfortable they felt there, Stefan suddenly felt on edge. He took a step back, letting the rabbit finally drop where he stood.

"Tell me what you're plotting." He wasn't sure of what he was accusing Damon, but his brother was rarely this sincere while sober or when neither of their lives were at major risk of ending.

There was a near-imperceptible sag in Damon shoulders. They'd rehearsed this fight so many times; Stefan didn't think there could be any more unexplored variables.

His brother looked incredulous for a split second before his face dropped to the annoyance Stefan was more familiar with. "You know what," Damon finally responded, all the attitude wrung out of him, "Screw this. I'm out." He started walking past Stefan back the way they came.

Panic rose up. "Where are you going?" Stefan demanded. He didn't know if this was the version of the fight where they spent the day in their own rooms, or the one where Damon was gone for a year and a half without a trace. He turned and followed.

"I'm going to bed." Damon's eyes fell. He closed the space between them, absentmindedly pulling at the hem of Stefan's sleeve. "The dead animal smell is smothering the scent of everything else that is good and right in the world." He flicked his eyes over Stefan and huffed. "We'll put a pin in this fight, pick at each other's feeding habits another time. Do whatever you got to do." He hesitated as he passed, briefly leaning in closer and stroking a fingertip along Stefan's wrist. "Happy hunting."

The breath against his neck tickled and made Stefan flush. His stomach rolled as he watched Damon disappear.

Stefan needed to clear his head. He rushed the rest of his hunt, not really feeling the hunger anymore, but needing to do something with his hands. He had fed excessively the day before anyway but he was burning through the energy worrying and trying to keep tabs on Damon. He didn't know what it meant that he was content going back home to his brother who would be sleeping in another room while Stefan stayed up waiting for something to happen.

And something would definitely happen. Damon and Elena hadn't been in the same room that long in weeks. There was no way Damon would sleep as easily as he tried to pretend. The way Damon pretended to fit somewhere on both sides of Stefan's brand of normal. He brought his fingertips to his lips. The tingling sensation hadn't quite dissipated since the night before. Maybe Stefan was being played, but what the game was, he still couldn't figure out. He wasn't stupid enough to think Damon was actually being genuine.

In their entire sordid history, Damon rarely reciprocated Stefan's wish for them to find some kind of amity. Even in those rare times, Stefan thought they got along better when they were apart. But an idea had been there before. Damon had once been everything to him. The one person he thought he could keep in the After. His childish optimism of convincing his big brother to turn with him, so they could experience eternity together getting smashed to pieces once Damon promised him it wouldn't be that easy.

That barrier seemed different since this last time Damon came back to him. Stefan saw the cracks like he was coming at them from the wrong side. Like light shining through, not escaping. If Damon hating him didn't build it, then Stefan was the one putting a wall up to separate the normal life he worked so hard to manufacture from the one he always had with his brother.


	18. Starlight and Silverfields

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whisper slipped down the hall like smoke. The tentative questions fought for dominance but it didn't really matter. All the answers were yes.

I'm ready to start the conquest of spaces  
Expanding between you and me  
Come with the night the science of fighting  
The forces of gravity  
[Conquest of Spaces – Woodkid](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9IR-JNrTcA&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=18)

* * *

Stefan only waited until his presence would make a difference. A day worth of confusion building to something he could never instigate. He couldn't blame his brother for wanting to look under control, but he also couldn't deny the tiny delight of being needed by someone who was usually so strong.

So he lay in his bed resisting sleep as long as possible, waiting for some cacophony from Damon's room.

He expected a bang, what he got was a whimper.

"Stefan?"

The whisper slipped down the hall like smoke. The tentative questions fought for dominance but it didn't really matter. All the answers were _yes_.

When the moment came, Stefan wondered if he would scramble out of his bed, eager and strong, or if he'd be slow and build anticipation with another illusion of control. He swallowed hard and gripped the edge of his blanket. "Yeah?"

" _Please_."

The plaintive call wasn't a question at all, but as it turned out, Stefan's body replied on its own. He moved out of bed and into the hall. With steady steps, he found himself inside his brother's room, leaning down, falling down, being tugged down against Damon's chest.

The skin on skin contact was instantly electric. He hadn't forgotten his brother slept naked, but he didn't think Damon would stay that way when he asked Stefan to come. At least Stefan could have worn more than boxers.

Maybe Damon expected Stefan to leave him to his pain.

His brother didn't seem to be bothered by the fact his dick was pressed against Stefan's hip as he wound his arms around Stefan. If he didn't care, Stefan wouldn't either. He tightened an arm around Damon's waist hoping to give whatever ease he could offer. They fit pretty perfectly like that, pulled hard against each other.

Nothing else mattered as his eyelids fell heavy.

Tucked under his brother's arms, with his ear over Damon's beating heart had been a comfort Stefan hadn't had since he was a child, and a memory he suspected Damon never held onto at all.

"Sleep now, brother." Stefan whispered, running his fingers in circles against the small of Damon's back, "I'll be here in the morning."

* * *

 The following morning, Stefan waited until Damon woke up. The synapses in his brain couldn't start firing properly until he got some coffee, but he wasn't in a rush to get going. Damon lay next to him, draped against his arm, hand crossed over Stefan's chest and knee bent over Stefan's thigh. His breath was steady against Stefan's chest with the hint of lips rubbing against his skin. His big brother looked so much younger when he was sleeping. Stefan watched carefully, keeping an eye on the distance between his embarrassingly straining dick and Damon's hand.

Eventually Damon rolled over, severing the contact. He took a breath so deep Stefan could practically feel the air change. Damon lay there for the span of a few heartbeats before he rose off the bed without looking back over his shoulder.

"Morning," came out sleepy and casual, like he hadn't been so desperate for another body against him the night before that he took the comfort from his little brother.

Of course they wouldn't talk about it. Stefan averted his eyes from his brother's bare ass, again, as Damon walked away from him. The semi hardness he caught a glimpse of made him feel a lot better about the twitching erection he had tenting against his shorts. He exhaled quietly, trying to talk his dick down before Damon came back from the bathroom. After a second thought, he decided to get out of there while he had the chance for it to go unnoticed.

As he walked away, he heard the shuffle of fabric, and then Damon was standing in the doorway adjusting low-slung pants. Stefan stopped, eyebrows raised.

"Tonight," Damon started, meeting his eyes without looking ashamed or pleading or any of the things Stefan thought there should be at least a hint of, "I'll wear something more appropriate."

The question didn't need to be asked for Stefan to agree. He couldn't be sure why he felt as relieved as he did. Damon still needed him and they both knew it.

Stefan swallowed the lump in his throat, nodding briefly before he left.

* * *

That night, Damon came in stumbling from the bar, but Stefan wasn't in the parlor. He wasn't in the kitchen, or the study. He wasn't sitting by the fireplace writing in his journal, or in his room playing his guitar.

Damon gave up, furious at the hope that had tried bubbling up. He dragged himself up to his room, struggling with his door handle. Stefan hadn't meant he'd be there again. He couldn't have. Damon knew better than to believe Stefan would actually—

Damon froze at the foot of his bed.

Stefan was partially curled up on top of the blankets, t-shirt rucked up over his stomach, and legs crossed in some baggy sweatpants with a book balanced on his knee. He sheepishly looked up as Damon just stood there. Silently he placed a bookmark between the pages of whatever he was reading and set it to the side as his toes dug into the comforter.

Damon watched the movement in a trance. His little brother was in his bed, acting like he belonged there, like this had been what he wanted. Like that was so simple. Damon moved forward while pulling his clothes off quickly, stripping down to his boxer briefs. He remembered, vaguely, about saying something that morning about appropriate clothing, but Stefan was wearing plenty so Damon figured that was good enough.

They sat side by side, looking at each other with a wariness Damon expected, but instantly disliked. He lay back instead, with one arm under his head and patted the pillow beside him.

Stefan smirked softly flicking the light off beside him and sliding under the covers.

The darkness was more comfortable. Damon relaxed easier in the shadows, where moonlight through the windows didn't quite reach the bed. The small amount of light that filtered in shone in Stefan's eyes. He wanted to reach out and touch the stars he saw reflected there. Damon wasn't sure if they were supposed to be pretending they weren't staring so intently at each other.

After a few minutes, the inches of space between them felt maddeningly distant. Damon shuffled forward and spread his arm over Stefan's chest.

With a relieved sigh, his little brother put an arm behind his back, and pulled him closer.

Damon tucked his face against Stefan's neck and fell asleep.


	19. Simple in the Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without fail, Damon looked surprised when he opened his eyes.

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this  
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did  
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live  
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is  
[Lua – Bright Eyes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aZh261KZWI&index=19&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

A pattern soon formed. The mornings Stefan woke up on the opposite side of the bed, he watched Damon struggle with his dreams before moving close and waking him. The mornings he woke up with their bodies already pressed together, Damon rested in peace until after dawn broke. Without fail, Damon looked surprised when he opened his eyes.

Stefan didn't move until Damon hands were off the completely safe zones of Stefan's body.

As soon as Stefan was sure Damon was okay, he went to his own room to take a shower.

It wasn't long before he started to jerk off there, wondering if Damon ever had the same need after waking up tangled around each other. Tried harder not to think about it. He went to school, went out with Elena, hunted, and lived his daily life. Damon did whatever the hell Damon always did. They spent the evening together at home.

There were fights. A pack of werewolves invaded that ended with Caroline injured, and Tyler on the run. Multiple opportunities Elena took to risk herself to save her friends.

There were victories. The remaining tomb vampires were eradicated, Katherine skipped through town, Tyler came back, and Bonnie got more powerful. Stefan and Damon worked together on multiple opportunities to save Elena.

Every night Stefan slipped into Damon's bed before Damon could ask.

Every night Damon wrapped himself around Stefan as he fell asleep.

They didn't talk about that.

* * *

The rise and fall of his brother's chest against his back was a soothing rhythm that lulled him to sleep easier than any drink or drug had any hope of achieving. The breath on the back of his neck made him warm. The arm balanced over his side, tucked under his own made him feel safer than any dangerous vampire in his bed had any right to. The knee that inevitably slid over his leg, wedging itself between his thighs almost every night should have been more awkward, but somehow, the presence only made him feel more comfortable.

They were perfect like this. When it could be the two of them, in the quiet, in the dark. The ache only came in the daylight once they pulled away from each other. Well, maybe there was something they could do about that.

* * *

The pattern formed was easily dented.

Stefan woke first and spent a few minutes looking at his brother. They were comfortable. Damon was sleeping on his stomach, pillowed on Stefan's bicep, his arm draped across Stefan's chest. Stefan had slept in boxer briefs and a tank top while Damon went shirtless in soft cotton pants. It was as close to appropriate as Damon got.

Lost somewhere in thought of how easily they seemed to accommodate each other, Stefan missed Damon waking up until he noticed glassy blue eyes peering back at him. As he tried to look past them, to get any hint of what his big brother was thinking, Damon's eyes closed again.

"Good morning, brother." Their faces were so close together Stefan kept his voice low.

Damon merely grunted, pulling at the blanket that had twisted around their waists until he could pull it up over both their heads. He kept his eyes closed, and didn't move from Stefan's arm except to nuzzle a little closer.

"Is that your way of saying 't'was the nightingale and not the lark?'"

A hint of a smile quirked Damon's lips, but he didn't open his eyes. His arm slid up to Stefan's face, pinching his lips shut.

"I huffa gff tf sscll."

Damon shook his head as if he actually understood, creating a weird sensation in Stefan's arm. Stefan huffed a laugh that mostly came out through his nose, surprised at how playful his brother was being.

"Be late." Damon's raw voice rasped in his ear. "Sleep more."

Stefan got out of Damon's hold and quickly nipped at his brother's fingertips. Damon yanked his hand away with a soft laugh and bent his arm across Stefan's chest again, fingers resting between Stefan's ribs.

After a second of deliberation, Stefan moved the arm Damon was laying on to nudge him closer. Soft and compliant, as he only ever was in the first few minutes after waking, Damon slid over till his head lay on the center of Stefan's chest. Stefan pulled the sheet off his head so he could breathe fresher air that wasn't nearly as intoxicating as the air they were sharing, but necessary for the same reason. He tucked the edge of it under his arms where they were wrapped around Damon's back.

His shoulders relaxed better that way, letting him sink into the bed with the warm weight of his brother over him. The stillness of the morning lulled him back towards sleep.

Class could wait a little while. He figured he would text Elena once they actually let the day have them as his eyes closed again.

Deep in his doze, he didn't know how much time had passed when he felt Damon shift. He flinched when Damon's hand moving over his hip brushed along his dick, seemingly accidentally. This time Damon didn't recoil or apologize. Instead his fingertips edged around Stefan's growing hardness again before the palm of his hand cupped over Stefan's balls. Then the hand was gone.

The air left his lungs. He couldn't see his brother's face, and it was impossible to tell if Damon was awake or aware of what he was doing. It didn't seem like something that would happen on accident, but he couldn't figure out why touching his dick wouldn't bother his brother. If it had been a joke, Stefan wasn't laughing.

"Damon," Stefan gasped a meager warning.

Shifting over, Damon rolled off Stefan's chest, slowly opening his eyes. "Hey." His voice was soft, and he didn't seem to be alert.

"Good morning, again." Stefan replied hesitantly, only then sure his brother was actually awake. The clock on the nightstand indicated noon was closer than dawn. "Well, sort of morning."

Barely brushing his arm against Stefan's once they moved; he looked over with a small twitch at the corner of his mouth. "Skip class today."

Staring at him in confusion, Stefan tried to figure out what Damon's intentions were. But he had already missed half the day anyway. "Why is that?"

Damon started to slowly sit up, patting Stefan's knee. "Pancakes."

"Really?" Stefan laughed. Food seemed like a good reason to get out of bed. He could be back to pick Elena up later. Maybe he and Damon could catch another movie. Spend time together somewhere things weren't so unsettling.

"Mmm," Damon responded like they had already agreed. "Get dressed. I'll go make some coffee before we go."

Stefan waited for him to walk out of the room and looked back at his straining erection. Damon seemed oblivious to the insanely confusing things he was doing to Stefan's body. But all Stefan ever wanted was to have his brother back, so he could deal with a few mistaken sleep-stricken touches.

He blew out a deep breath and got out of bed.


	20. Bet My Life On You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He got distracted thinking about what he and his brother would have looked like if they ever looked their age.

I've been around the world and never in my wildest dreams  
Would I come running home to you  
I've told a million lies but now I tell a single truth  
There's you in everything I do  
[Bet My Life On You – Imagine Dragons](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ht80uzIhNs&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=20)

* * *

They sat on opposite sides of the booth in a small diner outside of Mystic Falls. As soon as the waitress set down their coffees, Damon smiled up at her, placing his hand on her wrist and thanking her.

"What can I get you to eat, boys?" She kept looking between them, the creases around her eyes crinkling in a smile. Stefan thought she was probably really beautiful when she was younger and even in her aging softness she still seemed lovely. He got distracted thinking about what he and his brother would have looked like if they ever looked their age.

"Actually," Damon answered, "I think there's something out back you had for me."

She paused, smiling back with hesitation as Damon's compulsion took over. "Hey, why don't you come outside with me for a moment."

Damon glanced at Stefan for a second, and slid out of the booth, keeping his hand on hers. "We'll be right back."

Stefan sighed. "Come on, really?" He couldn't complain, they had barely started their day, and nourishment wouldn't come from pancakes alone but Damon's timing left a bit to be desired. "Can't I order first?"

Damon grinned back over his shoulder. "Get your own waitress, you can have whatever you want."

Shaking his head, Stefan hid himself behind the menu. The woman was older than he imagined Damon usually preferred. Well, not older than them, but a waitress in her fifties leaving with a man who appeared to be in his early twenties was not a subtle thing. The diner wasn't full though, and no one seemed to be paying as much attention as Stefan to the two of them walking out the door. Damon was being reckless and obvious and it made Stefan's teeth ache. He gulped down his coffee and had to flag down another waitress for a refill. 

* * *

When Damon returned his cheeks were warm and clothes tighter as he slid into the booth. Stefan eyes stayed on the door. Damon looked over quickly before lacing his fingers together and propping up his chin on the table. "Are you expecting someone else to join us?"

"She's coming back, right?" Stefan suddenly looked back at Damon, wide eyed.

Damon shrugged. "Anything is possible." The angry glint in Stefan's eyes was way too fun for him to immediately relent.

"Dammit, Damon." Stefan's hand slammed on the table.

He tried to hide his smile as they heard the bell over the door clang. He looked over his shoulder again and they both watched the waitress walk in, combing her hair back. There was a soft dazed look on her face, but she did not miss a beat as she went to the pick-up window and carried some plates to a nearby table.

"Oh fuck you." Stefan whispered, glaring daggers. "Don't do that to me."

Unable to hide his amusement, Damon chuckled. He wiped the corners of his mouth and picked up his coffee. "Did you get anything yet? It may be too late for pancakes. I'm thinking about steak now."

"Couldn't order until I knew I didn't have to run from a dead body." Stefan mumbled. He was still watching the woman make her way around the tables. Scrutinizing every move she made. She was smiling again as she came to theirs.

"You boys ready to order? There's a special on the front."

Damon tugged the menu out of Stefan's hand and folded it with his before handing it to her. "We'll take two steak-n-eggs actually. Both medium rare, I like my eggs over easy," he winked like he was giving away secrets, "he prefers them scrambled."

"You got it." She smiled back. "Let me know if there's anything else I can get for you."

"Thank you." Stefan said through gritted teeth. He examined her as she walked away with a clinical eye. As soon as she went behind the counter, he turned back to Damon. "Where did you bite her?"

Surprised, Damon cast a glance around the diner. No one seemed to be in too close of earshot, but still, it wasn't like Stefan to be so loud. "I didn't know you cared so much about strangers, Stef. Did you not see the alley between the buildings?" He smirked at Stefan's pissed off expression.

"Hilarious." Stefan replied dryly. "I mean on her body. I can't see any scar."

Raking his teeth over his lip, Damon leaned forward. "That's because I'm not stupid. You aren't supposed to know." He clicked his tongue as he sat back. "Maybe one day I'll show you where I prefer to leave my mark where nosy little boys can't see them."

Twisting his ring around his finger, Stefan looked back at the waitress again. He blew out a low breath. "It's fine. Maybe I don't want to know."

Considering for a moment, remembering his idea to help his brother and not to hurt him, Damon dropped his voice. "Next time, you can come if you want."

Stefan shook his head, wariness tensing his shoulders.

"You don't have to try. Just see how easy it is." Damon tried not to beg. He was above it. All he wanted was to try to make the man's life easier.

"No." Stefan tilted his head, seeming to acknowledge the sincere offer. "Thank you."

It was almost a step anyway. Damon drummed his fingers on the table. "Okay."

He changed the topic before their food arrived.

* * *

The next week, they took the day off again. Damon woke first, nudging Stefan awake. They stayed in bed talking about how much they still hated daylight. Stefan suggested another late breakfast and they ate while bickering over the worst diners of Mystic Falls through the years.

Then it happened a few more times. There were so many things to bicker over: music, coffee, hairstyles, cars. It was easier to fall into than expected. Stefan found himself enjoying spending time with his brother, relearning the details of his best friend.

Damon didn't push for Stefan to join him in feeding after the first time. For which Stefan was grateful. He still had to watch Damon make it look too easy. He didn't use the same person every time, and he didn't ever leave a visible mark. There were men and women, ages varied, sometimes they were the staff, and sometimes it was a customer in a booth nearby. Damon whispered a few words, stepped out, came back, and everyone continued about his or her business.

Stefan stubbornly refused to ask Damon to show him. Adamant he had control. Insisting to himself, because his brother didn't mention it.

* * *

Damon didn't have a plan exactly. Spending time with his brother had been better than he thought it could be, and Stefan seemed amiable to Damon's plans for days off. They honestly hadn't gotten along so well in… Damon didn't even remember how long.

The nights got easier, as each day passed. Stefan was around all the time, which definitely helped. He still had nightmares, but he liked waking up side-by-side, limbs tangled in a way that felt more intimate than anything he could hope to ask for. Damon's hands still had a tendency to wander that Stefan implausibly ignored, and Damon tried to believe was accidental, even if he knew better. Damon wanted to touch and be touched, and Stefan provided that within the confines of being brothers. He tried to convince himself he could settle for that.

 


	21. Walking With Spiders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't mean to peek, but flashes of something, blurred together and stolen from Damon appeared in an order Stefan didn't understand.

And I can't fall asleep without a little help  
It takes awhile to settle down  
My ship of hopes  
Wait 'til the past leaks out  
[Terrible Love – The National](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D45ObOy3qsM&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=21)

* * *

Stefan woke with a start. His brother was no longer lying on top of him and Stefan felt a chill from where their bare chests weren't touching. He saw the now familiar distraught expression on Damon's sleeping face, mumbling pained sounds instead of actual words that must have woken him. His hand brushed through Damon's tangled hair and nudged them closer together. Even lost in his nightmare, he followed Stefan's guiding until he was against his side again. Damon's head rolled over Stefan's chest.

"No, 's mine." Damon muttered.

Stefan's lips brushed against Damon's ear. His skin was clammy and his torso was shaking so Stefan rubbed his hands down his brother's body to warm him up. Stefan was so concerned. He didn't mean to peek, but flashes of something, blurred together and stolen from Damon appeared in an order Stefan didn't understand.

_Not being alone. Armful of his brother being pulled away into darkness. Her wicked laugh dissolving in his ear._

Stefan pulled back. He wasn't sure he saw anything, but he felt the overwhelming despair.

"You're dreaming, Damon. I'm here. It's time to wake up."

Damon's eyelids fluttered as his eyes focused on Stefan. He smiled shyly, smoothing his hands over Stefan's face, brushing his thumb over the curve of Stefan's lip. "You're still here."

"Of course I am." Stefan said quietly as Damon continued his soft touches. Something about Damon's dream lingered, an unsettled feeling made easier seeing his brother smile. Damon had a really amazing smile when it was soft and genuine. "Where else would I be?"

Like flipping a channel, Damon slid over him, mouth hungrily brushing over his chest, his neck, and his chin. His hand slid down Stefan's cock, not just touching, but also taking hold with one firm squeeze before letting go and grabbing onto his hip instead. Stefan opened his mouth in shock but Damon filled in the space with nibbling lips and a slick tongue, more wet than Stefan would expect. The satisfied moan that escaped his brother's throat sent a burning shock straight to his dick and he countered it with a hip roll he could easily deny ever happened and a hitch of Damon's leg over his thigh that was not as easily explained.

It took a minute, about 59 seconds too long—and hours too soon—for Stefan to snap out of the kiss and pull back. What the fuck? Damon's eyes were open, although barely and he seemed intent on stroking his cheek along Stefan's arm, trailing lazy kisses behind him. It was the sweetness of it that confused Stefan most. "Damon, what the hell?"

With a dazed smile Damon pushed up, pulling his knees tight around Stefan's legs. "We don't have much time."

Stefan's mouth snapped shut because how the hell was he supposed to respond to that?

Well, he was supposed to tell his brother that this was sort of fucked up, even for them. Except that it was a different kind of fucked up, less for the soft lips and sleepy touches, and more for the shock of _yesthisrightnowyes_ coursing through his veins that wasn't as strange as it should be. So he hadn't gotten off with Elena in a while because of this little sleeping arrangement. His dick was lonely. Whatever.

"Do you dream this often?" Stefan puffed out, frozen as Damon moved over him.

In response, Damon scraped his teeth along Stefan's chest, not breaking skin, but setting Stefan's nerves on fire. "I can feel you." He muttered before licking around the dusky nub of Stefan's nipple.

Stefan's eyes rolled back before he put his hands on Damon's neck and arched up into the heat of Damon's mouth. The part of him that wanted to give in, fuck, it wasn't new. But it wasn't fair. They had never been like this before. He didn't know what to do, except he knew Damon wasn't aware of what he was doing, and that was enough. For a split second it was easier to pull Damon closer than push him away, but he couldn't force his hand to obey either instruction so he held his brother there, melted to the spot Damon was sucking against his chest.

Instead it was Damon who stopped and leaned back out of Stefan's hold. He wiped the wetness off his lips before he looked up, bright with panic. "Oh shit."

Smiling weakly, unable to hide the hardness on which Damon was sitting with only a layer of boxers and sweat pants separating them, Stefan whispered, "Good evening, brother."

Damon instantly slid off Stefan's hips, and rolled into the side of the bed where he could bury his face in his arms. He let out a miserable groan Stefan felt in his gut and every argument fell away as Stefan reached over to comfort him.

With a soft grunt, Damon jerked away from Stefan's hand and rubbed his palms into his eyes. "I can actually taste you. Fu-uck, I'm awake."

There wasn't much more Stefan could add to that except, "Uh, yeah."

Damon looked up sharply, raking his eyes down Stefan's body to the bulge beneath his boxers. He paused for a beat, long enough for Stefan to see what he was caught on, before Damon rolled over in a blur and got off the bed. He stood at the windows, staring into the darkness with his back to Stefan.

They were both silent while Stefan waited for Damon to make the next move. When he finally spoke, he sounded so far away.

"What are my chances of us forgetting that happened?"

"Well, do you think it's more or less awkward than that morning you offered to jerk me off?" Stefan sat up and discreetly tried to adjust himself. He could still taste Damon. In fact, he could still feel the ghost of tongue against his lips and his dick seemed a little too excited about all the touching. It wasn't like Damon's hands hadn't been teasing him off and on most mornings, whether it was intentional or otherwise. And now he was thinking about hand jobs. Seriously. _Fuck_ being seventeen forever.

He tried to laugh but faltered as Damon repressed another wretched noise. Stefan could hear Damon swallow hard but all he saw was the tilt in his brother's shoulders and the muscles in his back tremble. Stefan wasn't sure why Damon seemed to be stuck in stasis when he clearly wanted to leave. Or scream, or fight, or hunt, or... anything was better than standing there.

Obviously it didn't mean anything. The loneliness of Damon's dream had been awful. Whoever he imagined was beneath him had been some kind of comfort, and Stefan was glad Damon had that for at least a moment. His brother was torturing himself over nothing, and Stefan hated seeing the man so torn up.

"Damon, come on."

Damon turned slowly, eyes wide with that tiny crease in his brows that Stefan rarely saw. The one that said Damon was scared. Stefan pulled back the corner of the covers.

"It's the middle of the night. It's fine, okay? I know it didn't mean anything. Just get back in bed and get some sleep."

The hesitant relief that flooded his brother's face made Stefan feel marginally better as he lay back down, pulling the blanket over his waist.

Damon sat an arm length away. He looked small, vulnerable in a way Stefan didn't recognize.

With a soft huff Damon fell into the bed. He stared at Stefan with the kind of searching gaze that made Stefan nervous. Stefan wanted to do whatever he could do to make his big brother feel better. It was only a dream, right? He could ignore that the kiss had been fucking hot. He could probably ignore that he had definitely been kissing Damon back. He was not so sure he could ignore the fact that Damon had dreams about the two of them together—too caught up in wondering why.

Stefan observed Damon more carefully, noting the tension in his jaw and the edge of panic in his eyes. He had to do a double take, not just looking, but also actually seeing the shadows under Damon's eyes, the paler complexion; the lax features of an exhausted man. He didn't know how much anxiety or how many restless nights Damon was coasting on. Maybe letting him leave would have been better than trying to get him to go back to sleep. But it was Damon's bed.

"Damon," the name was heavy with unspoken questions, although he wasn't sure what they all were yet. It had pieces of _I'm worried about you_ , and _What the hell happened_ , but was mostly saturated with, _Are we going to talk about this_?

Resolve replaced whatever hints of honest emotion Stefan could see, and the little flip his stomach made was closer to relief than frustration. Maybe he wasn't ready to know. " _Stefan_ ," was the clipped reply, full of the only answer that mattered. _No, we're not_.

He thought he should say something more. If it were anyone beside his older brother, he would. But he was well versed in Damon's sarcastic responses to his concern so he closed his eyes and waited for Damon to go back to sleep.


	22. Reveal Ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grass tickled beneath his fingers, but he felt comfortable for once. He leaned back, reclining on his hands with his feet crossed. Enjoying the sunshine on the wide-open field down the hill from the old boarding house.

"Sometimes we reveal ourselves when we are least like ourselves."  
[Anaïs Nin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvUW4loi4sY&index=22&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Damon had to blink against the brightness of the sun. The heavy heat was like a warm blanket on top of him. He wasn't sure why it felt so safe taking a nap away from the shade. He thought about taking off his jacket. His father hated all the black anyway. The slick leather and tight jeans would especially piss him off. The mousse holding his tousled just-rolled-out-bed hair in place would probably give Papa Salvatore a fucking aneurism.

Damon smiled.

The grass tickled beneath his fingers, but he felt comfortable for once. He leaned back, reclining on his hands with his feet crossed. Enjoying the sunshine on the wide-open field down the hill from the old boarding house.

The rustle of leaves and beating of feet behind him made him turn enough to spot the bright blond hair of his little brother running to him through taller grass.

Stefan came to stop a few feet away, unable to quiet his breathing but not announcing his presence any other way.

Damon waited patiently as Stefan snuck up behind him. Right before Stefan pounced, Damon turned around and startled him first.

"Hello, brother!"

Stefan fell back onto the ground with a grunt. "No fair!"

Laughing warmly, Damon stood to help Stefan up. He was maybe seven and something about being over three times his age didn't seem right, but Damon couldn't place why exactly. There was something fuzzy about the child standing in front him. Details he didn't quite recognize flickering over the sweet innocent face pouting up at him.

"Since when have I ever played fair?"

"You weren't supposed to know I was here." Stefan whined.

"I always know where you are. You should remember that." Damon smiled at the irked look Stefan shot him. He didn't know when his baby brother started imitating his expressions so well, but it was fun to imagine having a partner in reviling their father.

"I wanted to surprise you."

"Impossible," Damon shook his head. "I know everything about you. The day you successfully surprise me is the day you get away with it. Why did you bring your books?"

In the way that only works with children, Stefan's annoyance was immediately forgotten. He sat down by Damon's feet and picked up his bundle of schoolbooks to unwrap them. Excitedly, he held his hands over the top. "I brought something for you."

His enthusiasm was contagious and Damon joined Stefan on the ground with his legs crossed the same way. Towering over the boy even sitting, he ruffled a hand through the soft bright hair. "You did? Why would you do that?"

"We learned about Saint Valentine this week. We made cards." He grinned and held up a stiff piece of paper with some paint on it. "We're supposed to give them to someone we love."

Damon took the card and inspected it closely. There were small leaves painted in a circle with nice clear script written in the middle that said, ' _Damon, I lick you_.'

He had to control his expression as he stared at the card. Their father would not appreciate the failings of Stefan's education. He wondered if he'd be the one who would have to tell Stefan it was time to leave primary school and graduate to a proper governess who could give him individual attention.

Stefan grew impatient. He scooted closer to Damon's side and swatted his knee. "What do you think? Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful. Thank you." He finally looked up, heartbroken to be the one to take that smile off his baby brother's face. "But brother, what are you learning in school? This says 'lick,' I think you meant—"

He lost the rest of what he meant to say as Stefan's tongue dragged up his cheek. Stefan was silent a moment, gauging his brothers reaction until Damon turned on him. His eyes glittered but his face contorted to some fake angry thing. Stefan always thought it was a funny impression of their father. "You're dead!" Damon shouted, making Stefan jump up.

Instantly it was a game. Laughing loudly, Stefan tore away; looking back over his shoulder to make sure Damon was right behind him. "But I surprised you! You said I get away with it!"

Damon ran after him, reaching out to grab him but Stefan ran out of reach. The sun grew hazy around them and Stefan stayed beyond Damon's fingertips.

"I can't catch you Stefan, you're too fast!"

Still smiling brightly, Stefan spun around. He was running backwards but didn't lose any speed. "You're a vampire. You run faster than all of us."

It didn't make any sense. They came into this together. "So are you, we run the same!"

Stefan shook his head. "I can't be a vampire. The sun is out and I'm not wearing a ring." Still running, he wiggled his fingers in front of Damon's face. He looked at Damon's hands and stopped so suddenly Damon plowed into him, knocking them both to the ground.

"What was that?" Damon asked, breathing hard and lifting Stefan up to check for injuries. "Are you hurt?"

His little brother's face was solemn. "You aren't wearing a ring. You aren't a vampire here either."

Slowly, Damon sat up, looking at Stefan carefully. "What do you mean 'here'?" He looked around, the sun was so impossibly bright, and warm, and he definitely wasn't wearing his ring. A familiar darkness started creeping around the edges. "Is this a dream? Are you doing this?"

Again, Stefan shook his head. "Not me." He pointed to the trees beyond their little field. "He's doing it."

As Damon followed where the seven year old version of Stefan was pointing, the lights and trees blurred around them until it was the proper aged Stefan, only a few years his junior, sitting on a bar stool beside him.

Damon stood up, the past gone clearing room for his fury. "What the fuck, man?"

"I'm sorry." Flustered, Stefan looked down. "I thought I could be better."

"You're in my head?" Damon snarled as he slammed his fists on the bar.

"I'm projecting, not rummaging." Stefan nervously clarified, "You keep having these awful dreams, I haven't looked at them. I just wanted to help you." It was the truth at least, but it took a few minutes of glaring for Damon to let it sink in.

"And now?" Damon looked around. It looked like the same old Mystic Grille. They were the only occupants in the restaurant.

"I didn't realize how powerful your nightmares were." Stefan said quietly. "You started changing it so I had to do something."

Damon slumped back onto the barstool. He flexed his fingers, eyes glued to where his ring should be. "I'm still dreaming."

"You're still sleeping."

They sat in silence a few more moments.

"Why were you so young?"

Stefan looked up, frowning like he was disappointed. "It wasn't something I made up. You needed something stronger, something more intentional." The corner of Stefan's lip quirked up. "It was a memory."

"I don't remember it happening." Damon shifted forward again, crossing his arms to lean against the bar.

"It wasn't yours." Stefan's smile fell a little. "It's one of my favorites actually. At least, up to the part where you couldn't catch me." He looked up and waited for Damon to look back at him. "You always caught me."

Damon dropped his eyes back to his hands. Something warm flickered inside. There were not a lot of opportunities for him to be proud of something from his childhood. But the way Stefan looked at him made Damon remember what a good brother could be like. He wasn't sure if it was real or something Stefan was pushing on his emotions.

The doubt was starting to freak him out.

He swallowed hard. The edges of the room started to haze again. It was getting harder and harder to tell reality from the world in his head. He put a hand on Stefan's arm. It felt solid, real. The curious eyes searching his were the eyes of his little brother. The boy he chased in the fields near their house when he was young, the teenager who stirred up a myriad of confusing feelings, the man who haunted his dreams.

His white-knuckle grip on Stefan's arm was getting tighter. Stefan's open concern shifted between watching Damon and watching the darkness seep in around the edges.

"Damon, what's happening?"

Damon shook his head, eyeing Stefan carefully. "Just don't… take anything off."

Baffled, Stefan looked around the room again. "What?"

"Nothing, never mind." He hit his hand on the counter. "We have to get out of here."

Stefan moved closer, holding Damon's head between his hands. "Let yourself wake up, Damon. You're the one in control here. Open your eyes. I'm right there. Nothing is going to happen to you."

Damon blinked furiously as the darkness inched closer. _Wake up, wake up, wake up..._

"You're okay. I'm right here. I'll always be right here."


	23. Heavy In Your Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His head was foggy with stilted sleep but he was surprised that Stefan was covering him from shoulder to foot. "Get offa me."

I was a heavy heart to carry  
My beloved was weighed down  
My arms around his neck  
My fingers laced to crown  
[Heavy In Your Arms – Florence + The Machine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_eOmvM-4zc&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=23)

* * *

Damon's woke to worried green eyes hovering above him. With instant focus he tried to back away but seemed to be locked in place.

He groaned and attempted to push Stefan off his body. His head was foggy with stilted sleep but he was surprised that Stefan was covering him from shoulder to foot. "Get offa me."

Carefully Stefan leaned over to fall to Damon's side.

"I'm really awake this time, right?" Damon rubbed his eyes as he sat up. He flexed his finger, feeling the bulk of his ring. Deeper breaths were easier now that his brother's weight wasn't pinning down his chest. He kind of wanted it back. His brother was silently staring up at him as if he were expecting something terrible. Damon had no idea what that could be. "What?"

"I'm not apologizing." Stefan sucked in his bottom lip but didn't look away.

It took a few moments for Damon to catch up. The lines they drew used to be so solid. He wasn't used to Stefan getting in his head like that. If Stefan knew what he was doing, it could have been a lot more revealing. But then being awake was hard enough. Stefan's sleep-mussed determination looking sort of completely adorable. No wonder the dreams and real world were bleeding into each other. The impenetrable walls were all but powder by now.

"You don't have to apologize for anything." He stared at his hand, turning his ring around with his thumb. He considered getting out of bed. It was hard to tell what day it was anymore. Did Stefan go to class the past week? Damon couldn't remember anything other than sleeping by his side, spending so much time hiding from the sunlight, talking beneath the covers. Then there was the-

Holy shit.

"Last night did I, um..." His fingers brushed over his lips like he could still feel the press of Stefan's against them.

"Wake up and attack my mouth?" Stefan offered sounding much more amused than Damon would have given him credit. Definitely not angry. "Why yes, yes you did."

Damon only stared at him. Waiting for him to lash out. There were reasons for lashing out. _Brothers-not interested-not available-some other bullshit_ excuse Damon tried to remember. "I think it's my turn to say sorry then. I must've thought I was still dreaming."

Stefan nodded slowly, giving Damon a chance to make light of it as well. "Hell of a dream."

"Hah, you have no idea." Damon laughed. He immediately sat up straighter, aborting the movement to slap his hand over his mouth. Fuck, that is not what he should have said.

"I'm listening." Stefan tried, but they both knew the attempt at casual was a feeble effort. Stefan couldn't be more interested in what was going on in Damon's head, and quite frankly, Damon couldn't blame him. It had to be obvious. If the situation were reversed, Damon would have had answers weeks ago. Maybe it was time to offer the same courtesy.

"You might not like it." Damon tried to warn him.

"Just tell me." Stefan shot back.

Damon sighed, combing his fingers through his hair. "Ask me."

"Who are your dreams about?" rushed out without hesitation.

' _Who'_ was a much better angle. Damon knew the right question would be waiting on the tip of his brother's tongue. He looked at Stefan carefully, finding the resolve to really let it out. He adjusted how he was sitting on the bed so they were facing each other. Picking up on the seriousness, Stefan sat straighter, staying quiet to let Damon find the words.

"There were a lot of things at first. It took a while to figure it out. But always you." Damon watched carefully, reading every emotion as Stefan absorbed the information. "On good nights, when I can feel you, I dream about being warm, and kind of, safe, I guess. The rest of the time, the nightmares. Well, it's what's going to happen. I'm going to lose you. To her." He mumbled the rest of it quickly. "And I didn't even get to have you first."

"Have me?" Stefan didn't raise his voice. It was just clarification.

"You know what I mean." Damon let his fingertips brush along his brother's arm. Stefan couldn't have been that clueless. His wandering hands, his lingering looks, Damon had practically made a parade of his obsession. The time had come for Stefan to start pushing Damon away for real before he went crazy.

"You never even..." Stefan's voice wavered. "Maybe you should."

"Don't." Damon shook his head, immediately dismissing him. Stefan clearly didn't know what he was saying. In all Damon's lifetimes of getting what he wanted, this wasn't something he could be wrong about. "Don't offer something you don't understand."

The words were out before Damon thought to say them. Stefan's shoulders dropped. He didn't know what that meant. Was Stefan relieved? Disappointed? This wasn't the direction Damon thought the conversation would go.

"I'm grateful you're here." Damon continued. "I know I don't ever say it. But thank you for sticking around. I needed my brother. I need you." He took his hand away as Stefan's serious expression came back.

"Is that why we've been spending so much time together? Damon, we used to be close. What makes you think I don't understand? I just, I want to be friends again. Nothing is going to change that."

"Don't say that if you're just trying to make me feel better."

"I haven't done anything that I haven't wanted to do. I wanted to help you, and I've barely done that."

Damon couldn't take much more of Stefan's ease. It was out there now. He wanted, wanted, wanted, and Stefan wasn't doing his job to refuse him. He looked down where their knees touched. His gaze traveled up Stefan's tapered waist and the tight lines of his firm chest. The tendons in his neck, and sculpted jaw. His mouth, the wetness on his lips. The light in his hunter green eyes, the small concerned crease between his eyebrows. The way Stefan's head tilted slightly, and his mouth parted. He still saw his little brother, but there was a lot more to him than that. 

He lunged forward.

For a brief shining moment Stefan met his kiss. An arm wrapped around Damon's neck, pulling him closer. It was the kind of kiss Damon could fall into. The kind that could make him forget who he was and that he once wanted things to be different.

Then it was gone.

Stefan pulled away, sadness in his eyes. "This isn't some dream, Damon. It's not this easy."

"It could be." Damon pleaded, lips catching on Stefan's. The burning hurt didn't grow as quickly as he thought it would. "It could be anything we wanted."

"We don't come back from this." Stefan whispered, lips still finding his in between words while carefully separating. "I get it, okay, but you're right. I can't try this with you and try to live a normal life."

Eyes burning, Damon sat back. Stefan pushing him away had been exactly what he was after, but not like that. He felt the twitching of his brother's dick pressing against his thigh where Damon was leaning between his legs. He felt the ache of his own. Rejection shouldn't feel so much like want. Stefan didn't understand how much Damon wanted nothing else but him.

Damon barely understood it himself.

"Normal?" He choked back all his protests. Of all the ridiculous things… That would do it. He could tamp down the hurt then, easy enough when replacing it with anger. Stefan's normal bullshit didn't matter. It was time to get the fuck out. He got off the bed, running through the room at vampire speed to gather enough clothes to be seen in public. He didn't look back at Stefan.

He needed a drink, and the local brew wouldn't do.


	24. I'm All Ready for Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan wasn't sure he could feel anything now. Didn't know if he could, considering how overwhelming the sense of loss was that filled him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, I do not stick to my own deadlines well. This chapter was rough. I thought it was done a long time ago, but alas, that was not the case. Still with me on this ride though right?

Underneath the skin there's a human  
Buried deep within there's a human  
And despite everything I'm still human  
But I think I'm dying here  
[Human – Daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbCeyb9okac&index=24&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Stefan was long overdue for a date with his girlfriend. Girlfriend. Elena. The girl he loved. He did love her, right? Of course. She was kind, clever, and beautiful. She was his girlfriend. She was his nice normal relationship, in a nice normal life. Because that's what Stefan wanted. The feeling of humanity. Not impossible, or complicated, or—well, he wasn't really the one to put moral absolutes on anybody, especially after everything he'd done, but still, the whole _'brothers_ ' thing should probably be a factor—so, not entirely socially apprehensible.

Except…

Except he was dead. Technically. And Elena was still human, which made quite a few things complicated, and even more things impossible. Being a fucking parasite was socially apprehensible enough. And Stefan and Damon were terrible at being brothers. Also, fuck what people thought. As if their secrets were anybody else's business anyway.

Stefan needed to lie down.

That crushed expression on Damon's face as he left the room haunted Stefan as he ripped through the woods upstate. The need to dig his fingers into something and tear it apart beat against him. His anxiety made him dangerous so he stayed away from people and fed until his eyes ached from the swollen capillaries and his clothes were soaked with animal blood. Fuck the stains. Fuck everything.

He didn't know where Damon went when he ran out of the house. It was stupid how long it took to go after him. He wasn't used to chasing Damon, he was used to being followed. Even when Stefan couldn't see him, he always felt his brother in the shadows, not too far behind.

Stefan wasn't sure he could feel anything now. Didn't know if he could, considering how overwhelming the sense of loss was that filled him. Did that mean it was over? Even unsure about how he felt about Damon's admission, Stefan wasn't ready for his brother to be gone. Not again.

He stayed up in the trees through the morning, letting the stillness put things in perspective. The unexpected kiss had been sort of incredible. Thoughts and desires he buried long ago scratched at the surface. Things he wanted. Things he had convinced himself not to want, to not even think about. He was good at keeping that separated from everything else. Or he had been.

His mouth felt bruised with how hard Damon kissed him. It wasn't possible; he'd fed so much. His tongue kept dragging over his lips anyway. He tried to come up with hundreds of reasons it would be stupid to jerk off now. Just wrap one blood soaked hand around him, and shit—he was halfway there with just the thought.

Seriously, what did it even matter? He knew where his mind would go if he let the idea take over.

"Come back, Damon." He sighed, refusing to let the dam break behind his eyes. "Please come home."

* * *

Damon knew better than to go into town. The risk of finding someone that looked like Stefan was too great at the moment. His desire to feed off of someone, to fight them, to fuck them, or rip them apart would not help him now. The anger and disappointment, mostly in himself, would not be switched off.

His eyes hurt. So did his teeth. He took a swig straight from the bottle of bourbon, not caring how it ran down the corner of his mouth. The sound of the trees in the forest rustled his fear with each breeze. How could he have done this to them? Just how could he have been so stupid? He wanted the rejection he had expected to shake the feeling loose, let him put the desire behind him. Instead he felt the pressure of Stefan's tongue on his lip and he still wanted more.

Stefan would never look at him the same way. Not that he could blame the kid. But Damon did this to him. And then he left his little brother to suffer through the painful realization alone.

He was so tired.

* * *

By the time Stefan thought about calling Elena it was after noon. He went home and tried to clean himself up, but being home, not knowing if Damon would come back left him distracted. He made sure at least his face was clean and nothing was stuck in his teeth before he put on something clean, leaving the blood-sodden clothes on the floor behind him.

He was waiting for Elena in the Porsche by the time she got out of class.

She smiled as she got into the idling car. "So, am I officially dating the bad-boy drop out now, or are you going on extended vacation?"

It took a moment for him to hear her, but the words didn't line up into anything he understood. "What do you mean?"

She looked at him through slightly narrow eyes. "You didn't show up today. Or half of last week. I don't know if you made it to any of your classes before lunch the week before. You're here after school, but Alaric says you've gone over the limit of absences. Even by Mystic Falls standards."

Stefan had to think about it. It had been a while since he'd bothered with class. He told himself Damon needed his supervision, but weeks were flying by and Stefan still hadn't seen Damon sleepwalk. In fact, that problem had been almost forgotten. It had been so easy spending the time with his brother under the blankets every morning. Going out for breakfast, watching movies, hanging around the house. He didn't realize the days off had started outweighing the rest of his normal life. Was it so easy to let the days pass?

It could be leading up to something—impossible, complicated, all of it—unless Damon didn't come back. Then it wasn't anything at all. White noise rang in Stefan's ears until he noticed Elena's hand on his shoulder. They had already pulled into her driveway and he didn't remember pointing the car there.

Guess they weren't going out.

She looked around the car and wrinkled her nose. "What is that smell?"

"What?" Blinking owlishly, Stefan finally realized Elena was staring at him with concern.

"See?" Elena frowned, rubbing her hand with concern. "Even when you're here, you aren't really here."

"I'm sorry." Stefan replied lamely. He didn't realize how much everything was getting away from him.

"Forget it then." Elena sighed as she grabbed the door handle and started opening it.

"No, wait." Stefan reached over her and closed the door again. "Tell me what you were saying. Please?" He offered her a hopeful smile.

She stared back at him in sudden alarm.

"Stefan, your arms!" She exclaimed, wrapping her hands around Stefan's forearm. The sleeve had pulled up as Stefan was reaching over her, revealing streaks of blood that had dried to his skin.

Embarrassed, Stefan pulled his arm back, tugging his sleeve down. "It's nothing."

"Oh my god, is that blood?" Elena flinched at her own words, leaning back against the door so hard her head thumped against the glass. "What the hell happened?"

There was fear in her eyes and with it came a rush of mortification. "Oh, no it's nothing bad. I didn't mean to scare you. It's animal. I got a little carried away feeding this morning."

"A little carried away?" Elena repeated slowly. Instantly her hand found the door handle again. Discomfort replaced the fear, but didn't do anything to salve Stefan's shame. "You smell like a slaughterhouse and look like a skinned animal. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this." She chewed her bottom lip, worried. "Is this how it's always going to be? Do you always have to do that?" She didn't wait for an answer. Just shook her head and opened the door.

Bitterness burned the edges off Stefan's hurt. "Do I have to what? Feed? Keep myself alive?" Staring at the back of her head as she stepped out, Stefan pulled the car into reverse before she could slam the door shut. "Why yes, disgusting you by how I stay alive is my new favorite thing."

Elena leaned into the window, smiling sadly. "I'm sorry, Stefan. I'm not saying you shouldn't keep yourself fed. I'm asking that you clean yourself up before we get together." She stood up, grabbing her bag out of the back. Still biting at her lip, she carefully avoided Stefan's eyes. "It's called a shower." She tilted her head with a half shrug, smiled wider, trying to make it all a gentle tease. "Try it tomorrow before the dance, all the normal kids are doing it."

Stefan never hated the word more than in that split second. He really hoped wherever Damon was, he was laughing his ass off.


	25. Embedded In My Chest

You mean that much to me  
And it's hard to show  
Gets hectic inside of me  
When you go  
[Night Time – XX](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYUYV3Ry5qc&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=48)

* * *

Instead of cleaning himself up and attempting to apologize, Stefan went home and sulked. He wasn't going to apologize. It was a stupid fight. Stefan wasn't even disagreeing that his unwashed state was unsuitable. There were too many important things on his mind to worry about a few stray streaks of blood on his arms.

Stefan pulled into the garage and parked next to Damon's car. He felt hope beat in his chest, but the car had been there when he left to get Elena, so he tried to ignore it.

He walked around Damon's room. It wasn't emptied, but Damon usually travelled light, car or no car, so full drawers didn't mean much. He kicked his clothes around, piled them up to take them to wash, and picked up the guitar he had brought in a week before. He waited until almost midnight, worrying a new bottle of bourbon between his knees while he nervously picked at the guitar strings. By the time the bottle was half empty, he set everything down on the floor and stripped down to a t-shirt and boxers before he climbed back into Damon's bed.

Instead of sleeping, Stefan restlessly pawed at his side. Because they had things like preferred sides of Damon's bed, and Stefan wasn't going to cross into Damon's side, but he wasn't going to be able to ignore it all night. So he turned over to look at it.

And there Damon stood beside the bed. Quiet, intense, arms crossed. Thank fuck.

A tidal wave of relief flooded over Stefan as he sprang forward, pulling Damon down to sit beside him. "I didn't hear you come in."

Smirking in the dark, Damon shrugged. "That's how you sneak up on somebody properly. You know you can't sleep without me. I have to look out for you, little bro." He tentatively lay down, looking surprised as Stefan immediately wrapped around him.

Too relieved to argue with him, Stefan scooted closer till they were pressed tightly together. "Of course, you're right. What was I thinking?" The sarcasm fell flat, but Stefan didn't care. He was probably still drunk. The warm scent of bourbon and wild air hit him in waves and he wanted to bury himself in it. He breathed in deep, nose against the column of Damon's neck. "Don't do that to me. We can figure everything out. Just don't leave me again."

Damon laid there, hands rubbing over Stefan's arm around his chest. Stefan sighed and tried to let sleep pull at him. The days' anxiety and his worry that something would happen to Damon without him being there drifted away with the firm reassurance of his brother in his arms. Before he got too comfortable, he heard Damon's quiet voice.

"I didn't expect you to be here."

"Here?" Stefan asked, exhaustion starting to overtake him. "I live here."

"But you're in my bed again. You know you don't have to do this." Damon said coolly, shifting in Stefan's hold.

"Missed you. Was worried about you. We've spent enough time apart. I hate when you're gone." Stefan rambled quietly, letting Damon move around so they were facing each other. The fact that he felt more comfortable in Damon's bed, even when Damon was gone would be something he'd think about later.

"Can I?" Damon pointed down his body, moving his hips slightly.

"Can you what?" Stefan looked at him in alarm.

"My jeans." Damon smirked, rolling his eyes and undoing his belt under the blanket. "Can't sleep in these."

"Oh." Stefan's face flushed and he gave Damon some room. "Yeah, of course." He tried not to watch too carefully as Damon kicked off the clothing. The flex and ripple of muscle now felt too intimate. But as soon as he was undressed, Stefan pulled him close again.

Smiling softly, Damon nuzzled back against him. "You smell delicious."

Instantly Stefan tensed and backed off. He was tired of being mocked. He was too tired to argue in his own defense again. "I thought you had problems with animal blood?"

"No, I don't mind it like this." Damon pulled Stefan's arm up to his mouth and trailed the tip of his tongue over Stefan's forearm. He tilted his head, puzzled, and took another swipe with the flat of his tongue, slowly dragging it up Stefan's arm before he pulled away and hummed. "It's the smell of you that makes it good."

Stefan didn't know what to say. He was stunned, having gone from grinding self-loathing at the snub of Elena to a damn-near-giddy shudder at Damon's acceptance. Damon's tongue and warm breath on his skin made his body tingle. He was lightheaded again. The little circle Damon's fingertip was rubbing into the skin of Stefan's hip was also leading him to some dangerous ideas.

"Are you drunk?" He nudged Damon's chin up with his thumb.

Licking his lip Damon slowly blinked up at him. "Of course. Aren't you?" There was a dark defiance in Damon's eyes that set Stefan on edge. Made him think he shouldn't be admitting any vulnerability.

"Not enough." Stefan whispered, snapping his hand away.

The darkness lifted to something more amused in Damon's expression. "For what exactly?" His hand stilled on Stefan's hip, making Stefan stunningly aware of where every part of their bodies touched.

Stefan didn't know how to reply. He could feel his mouth opening and closing in attempt to say words. There should be words. But nothing came out as Stefan's face heated.

"Go to sleep, brother." Damon whispered as he slid his hand up Stefan's side. "You have a date this weekend with your girlfriend and you should be well rested."

It was a token. Damon was letting Stefan know he wasn't backing away from what he admitted, but wasn't pushing for Stefan to do anything about it right away. Stefan was grateful. Sliding back to his side of the bed, Stefan muttered, "You did hear all that? Knew you couldn't have gone far." His head snapped up, remembering the quiet plea he made in the trees. "You came back because I asked you to."

Damon's fingertips danced down Stefan's back. "I always do."


	26. Stubborn Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan's hand was on his brother's bicep, a white knuckled grip before he realized it.

It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all  
The opposite of love is indifference  
So pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out  
[Stubborn Love – Lumineers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGewQB3mDv4&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=26)

* * *

"Nonono ElenaNoStefans, minemineminemine."

Stefan lay in bed listening to his brother struggle. The day they'd spent apart twisted up this thing building between them and Stefan needed to know how Damon's subconscious was going to react. He couldn't get to sleep, couldn't turn his mind off long enough to do anything other than see what would happen after Damon fell asleep. He'd been waiting long enough, keeping a careful barrier of space between them.

"No Elena No. Stef."

It didn't take long. Damon's muttering came back and Stefan heard the words better from so close.

"MinemineismyStefan is mine. Mine."

Damon sat up, eyes mostly closed. Surprised, Stefan watched as Damon's foot hit the floor, like he was getting out of bed, and Stefan reached forward to grab Damon's arm. His brother twitched under the touch.

More forcefully, Damon growled,

" _No Elena, Stefan is mine."_

Stefan's hand was on his brother's bicep, a white knuckled grip before he realized it. Damon's claim over him gave him a cheap dirty thrill and he had to clear the tightness in his throat. He didn't know which version of Elena Damon was arguing against, but it should have been a futile fight. There had never been a doubt in Stefan's mind that he was entirely Damon's. He didn't know if it was because they were the only sons their father acknowledged or because of the history their lives spanned together.

Maybe it wasn't any of that. Damon was the only person who knew who Stefan really was before he ever thought about starting over. It wasn't always a good thing, neediness that tilted over the line to desperation. As if admitting that could begin to change the fact that Stefan belonged to Damon from day one.

But Damon had never been Stefan's, and knowing that, living with that, forced him to look elsewhere. The first time his heart broke was because Damon put someone in his bed other than Stefan. Stefan didn't understand then, didn't know why he wasn't enough. It took years to understand the difference of Damon's nighttime visitors and himself. He hated them all from the very start. The fact that Damon was getting territorial now, after all this fucking time, was unbearable. "Damon, please wake up."

Damon grunted and opened his eyes, letting them adjust to the darkness. His confusion obvious. "What's wrong?" His voice was rough and quiet.

"We need to talk."

Sleep-stunned, Damon looked around for a clock. Frowning at the darkness outside the window, the brightness of the moon telling how far away sunlight remained. "Right now?"

"You're still having those dreams?"

Damon sighed, "Apparently the answer is 'yes, right now.'" He looked down at himself, half out of bed and already sitting up. "And I assume that was a rhetorical question since you woke me."

A day's worth of anxiety came rushing out in raw honesty. "I don't know what to do. I don't understand where all these feelings are coming from, okay?" Stefan took a stuttering breath, letting go of his brother's arm. "That kiss, Damon. When you knew you were awake. What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Look, it was just left over confusion from my fucking nightmare." Damon wiped his hand over his face and scraped it through his hair. "It doesn't mean anything." He pulled his legs under the blankets and sank back against the headboard.

"It feels like it does." Stefan whispered. The words were a weight pounding in his chest. "It felt like it meant a lot of things."

Damon for once looked almost guilty. He tried to avoid Stefan's gaze. "It doesn't... have to."

"That's not the same thing." Stefan insisted. He put his hand on Damon's arm again, feeling the tension in the tight muscle.

"I'll get over it, okay?" Damon yanked his arm away.

It felt like a line. Like Damon had ever gotten over anyone's rejection. And for the first time, Stefan wondered how many excuses and brush-offs Damon rehearsed when Stefan wasn't there.

"How?" Stefan scoffed. "It's not like there's a switch you can flip for this thing. You can't ignore your feelings forever." His hands went cold as all the heat rushed to his face. Stefan took a breath, knowing what he wanted and had always wanted still burned inside him. He put his hand back on Damon's arm, barely whispering, "I never could."

With that laser focus, Damon looked over Stefan, landing sharply on his eyes. "When?"

Stefan slumped forward, moving his arm to wrap around Damon's waist instead. He tucked his face between them, pressed against Damon's side. The shame he felt for wanting something he was never supposed to want was worse than everything else he'd ever felt guilty about. ' _When'_ was the perfect question. In the Before or in the After? If it was something else he could blame on Katherine, or turning. But no, this was his secret far before any of that. He kept his face buried in the darkness between them and mumbled, "Before."

Damon yanked his head back, making his eyes water as Damon glared down at him. The fire there didn't mask the desperate searching gaze. His body ached, his cock felt thick against his leg. Stefan shifted, easily disentangling Damon's hand from his hair and holding it between his. They were both shaking. "When we were kids. I looked up to you, followed you around every fucking day, and wanted to be like you. I wanted things to be different between us. I wanted… I don't know. You were the only person I wanted to be around, to have around. You were my fucking world. And later, when what I wanted started to become something bigger, and I couldn't let you know what was going on inside me, and you didn't care that I still couldn't sleep without you. And then she…" Stefan cleared his throat, eyes burning. Losing Damon in the After was the hardest thing he'd ever gone through. He splayed his hand out against Damon's palm, the strong tapered fingers lining up with the length of his. "Then we died. We didn't see each other for decades at a time, and it didn't matter. It didn't matter for a long time. But it didn't go away."

Damon blew out a breath, staring at their hands. "And now?"

"I kissed you back. Because I wanted to kiss you since I was thirteen. I'm in _your_ bed, Damon. Maybe I was wrong." Stefan inhaled deeply and started sitting up. "I don't know what happens next. But things have already changed. And I want… I want to try."

* * *

It felt marginally gratifying to see Stefan as twisted up as Damon felt over everything between them. Maybe it was time to take that chance.

"Come here, please." Damon held his arms slightly opened, waiting to see if his little brother would still take his lead.

In a blur Stefan was on him, arms around Damon's neck, and the sudden weight against his lap slammed him back against the headboard for one panicked second. Any confusion as to what was happening was cleared up the moment he felt the firmness straddlinghis thigh as Stefan crushed their mouths together.

The kiss was strong and possessive. Stefan's tongue flicked at the roof of his mouth and glided against his tongue, stealing the air from his lungs and bruising his lips. What it lacked in finesse it made up for in wonton hunger. Stefan was kissing him. Stefan wanted to kiss him. The feel of his little brother's mouth against his was a memory he planned on keeping. Wouldn't be difficult. It was the best fucking kiss of his life.

His mind was still reeling as his body decided to continue without it and gathering his thoughts was suddenly a lost cause. His hands cupped the back of Stefan's head and he murmured around their tangled lips.

"Holy shit."

Stefan huffed a weak laugh, pushing air back into Damon's mouth. "No kidding."

He pulled back in a daze. "All for me, little brother?"

Stefan's mouth hung open chasing after Damon's tongue. Pulling Damon back to him with one hand, while the other roamed between their stomachs and slid down to Damon's just as obvious arousal. "Yeah." He repeated, smiling against Damon's cheek. "Whether you like it or not, after every fucking morning of waking up with your hand cradling my dick. Like you have room to say anything."

His brain shut down— _shitshitshit_ —it wasn't supposed to go like this. Not the poor saint, not his little brother, and damn everything because that made his cock twitch in Stefan's hand and Damon's lip quirk up even more.

"Are you going to deny me this again?" His voice was raspy, thick with desire and pain of how much it hurt the night before to feel Stefan's lips on him before falling away.

"No." Stefan slid his hands down Damon's arms, forcing them around his back like Damon really had to be convinced to put his hands on his brother's body. "Not tonight."

He found the same searching gaze he felt, tightening his grip on Stefan's waist. It wasn't like he would get another opportunity anytime soon. "I want to do something for you."

With wide eyes paying full attention, Stefan licked his lips. "What do you have in mind?"

"Do you trust me?"

Damon meant it as an in-the-moment question, but felt the weight of it in the space it took Stefan to answer. The way they were locked on each other made it feel like Stefan was looking at something entirely different inside him. Suddenly the possible answers made Damon nervous.

"Yes. Of course I do." Stefan said with a kind of finality.

It was an incredible revelation, something Stefan had never said out loud. He was trusting Damon with this answer. It made Damon want to prove he was worth trusting, the surge of nervousness evaporating. If there were anything he was good at, he'd make sure it was this.

His smile grew as his whole demeanor turned a bit wicked. "Lay back."

Recognition dawned on Stefan, but he couldn't say much with his fingertips still brushing against Damon's cock. Stefan didn't hesitate, leaning back to give Damon room to move. Damon took that as the last scrap of permission he needed.

He kissed Stefan again, putting in every ounce of want that he had. The way Stefan opened his mouth against him, making these hungry little noises, fueled Damon's desire. Edging closer while sliding his hand under Stefan's shirt, fingers dragging along tensed abs. _Up up up_ until Stefan raised his arms, letting Damon pull his shirt off. Parting for barely a second they sucked in a deep breath as his shirt came over his heads and hit the floor.

Stefan's eyes were dark with arousal as they locked on Damon's. All of Damon's bravado fell away as he fumbled along the hem of Stefan's boxers. His thumb brushed along the wet spot soaking into the fabric making Stefan let out a shaky breath into Damon's mouth.

Damon pulled them up and off, sliding the last barrier down Stefan's hips. He wanted to get a better look, delighted by the slick snap of Stefan's cock against his stomach, but the way Stefan was glued to his mouth, hand tangled in his hair, he wasn't going to get far. His own erection throbbed against Stefan's thigh, still covered by one last scrap of fabric. This had been everything he wanted, to give Stefan this one thing, and he had to do it quickly before Stefan snapped out of it and pushed him away again.

Then his hand was on Stefan's cock. Slick velvety skin and absolute hardness. It was the first time he'd ever had an unmasked view of what Stefan looked like at full arousal. Stefan's hips bucked forward into Damon's grip, but Stefan didn't seem to realize it. Damon breathed a sigh of relief.

The possibility that Stefan actually wanted this, had wanted him, wasn't a thought he knew how to let himself entertain. He moved his hand and swallowed Stefan's whimper. He quickly guided Stefan's hand to wrap around his cock, feeling the cool metal of Stefan's ring like a burning balm at his base. He returned the sensation. Damon lingered there to get a better idea of what he was working with by touch. Damon's hand almost covered most of it, leaving the silky dark head blurting precome over his fingers.

"Well hello," Damon snickered against Stefan's mouth. "My big boy."

Stefan shook his head, Damon's tongue tickling the inside of his lips. "'s average."

Damon leaned his head back, keeping his eyes on Stefan's, "Not even close, brother. Now get a good hold of those sheets." He smiled viciously. There'd be time later, after Damon knew the exact way Stefan let go, what it felt like on his skin, what it tasted like, for Damon to convince Stefan of what he'd always known.

Everything about Stefan was so far above average.


	27. Wrapped In Your Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was too much build up. He never let himself indulge in this slow build of pleasure.

You are, cover to cover,  
From beginning to end, my friend,  
The man you ought to be.  
I burn, I break, I try to do right.  
You ache, you kiss, you curse,  
But you lie with me tonight.  
[I Try – The Staves](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rh3TNQhBqwk&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=27)

* * *

It wasn't what Stefan ever expected. It could be anybody if he kept his eyes closed. Well, anybody male. The way Damon slid over him, all angles and firm muscle, acutely masculine by the way Damon's hand spanned the length of Stefan's cock, the confident way he wrapped around it, just tight enough, the way no girl could get right on the first touch. Stefan's legs fell open, unable to refrain from letting Damon get as close as he wanted.

Focusing on Damon's touches as his other hand trailed down Stefan's torso, slowly, tauntingly, till it stopped at his sac. Damon's mouth trailed behind, laving his tongue over Stefan's nipple, sucking bruises into Stefan's skin that faded as he moved lower.

"Open your eyes." Damon commanded.

The deep growl of his brother's voice shook through Stefan. He didn't know his eyes had closed but the blinking against the starburst of light meant he must have been squeezing them shut. Dazed, he looked down and met the intensity of Damon's eyes. Immediately his gaze fell to Damon's mouth, flushed pink lips that dragged along the darkened shaft of Stefan's cock.

Stefan groaned softly as Damon moved. It was too much build up. He never let himself indulge in this slow build of pleasure. There was never a way to control how it ended. But as he locked on Damon's eyes, he knew his brother had everything covered. Then the fuzzy thoughts he tried to hold onto faded away as Damon's mouth hovered above the absolute hardest erection he'd ever had, the wet tip evidently magnetized to the temptation.

"Do you want me to?" Damon's voice rumbled up his body through his pounding chest. This was it. This was the last chance out he was going to get and he knew it. But they had already come this far…

"Yes." He groaned. Stefan's hand clenched the bed sheet before letting go and slapping onto the back of his big brother's neck— _shitshitshit_ —and helping him along.

It was going to be over all too soon. Damon's lips were like a vacuum around—the whole thing—Stefan squeezed his eyes shut and looked again, and yeah, Damon had Stefan's entire dick in his mouth. He felt lips tickling the trimmed hair at his base, and then slide like a piston to the top and back down again.

Stefan tried to keep his hips from bucking up into the tight trap of Damon's throat, but it felt too good, Damon's unwavering eyes on him, too much like a promise of something else. Something Stefan convinced himself not to want so many lifetimes ago. He'd resisted for so long already. Stefan started tapping Damon's shoulder, the weak warning all he could muster. Damon didn't let up, whatever he was doing with his tongue was sending Stefan over the edge, and he didn't even care.

"I'm- I wanna," Stefan panted, fingers stroking around Damon's lips, poking at the corners, hoping he got the message. His hips kept thrusting up, encouraged by Damon stroking his thighs, more unrestrained than he had been with anyone.

If it was possible to smile with his mouth full, Damon seemed to manage it, hands replacing lips, as he started slowly backing off. Stefan was so close; Damon's fingers brushing over his balls made them tighten up like a damn vice. His mouth slid further up until the head of Stefan's glistening cock was throbbing on his tongue. He kept his strokes quick and hard as his eyes stayed on Stefan's.

It was impossible to breathe. This was a different Damon. Without the cool reserve, or hidden agenda. The man Stefan loved in every other way his entire life, even when they hated each other. It wasn't the monster who made everything complicated, or even the brother who looked out for him and pushed him around. It was his Damon, the man in between all the fucking labels, letting himself be vulnerable, and in control, somehow at the same time. And the second Stefan realized how much he loved the man this way too he was done.

With a soft groan, Stefan spilled everything. Damon didn't let up. Stefan's eyes fell to the proof in Damon's mouth, the part he didn't want to miss. The single most fucking sexy thing Stefan had ever seen was the milky whiteness pooling on Damon's tongue right before it disappeared. He may have gasped—hard to tell with how heavy he was breathing.

He pulled Damon up to him, crushing their lips together in a kiss that closed a portion of the lost years between them. The tinge of his own flavor was mixed with the hot wet heat of his brother's mouth and Stefan could hardly get enough.

Damon let out a pleased hum as their kissing slowed. He kept his hand wrapped over Stefan's around his cock, making their rings clack as they moved together. Damon didn't last much longer, his cock pulsing in Stefan's hand as he erupted against his chest, letting it dribble over their fingers.

They were both panting, falling backwards as soon as Damon let go of Stefan's hand around his spent dick.

Before he could really think about pulling away, Damon was curled up next to him again tracing lazy circles in the mess on Stefan's stomach. Other than the obvious addition, it was practically like every other night they had recently spent together. He blinked softly admiring Damon's content expression. He combed his fingers through his brother's hair unable to resist a small smile. The mess would be gross later, sure, but he was too exhausted, too relieved to have their secrets shared. With a quiet sigh he wondered if this was enough to make Damon his. If he was ready.

He pulled Damon closer and fell asleep.


	28. Futile Devices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bright ball of panic rose up in his throat with all the intentions of making him hyperventilate. Shitshitshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Two steps forward, one step back. Sorry, you didn't think it'd be THAT easy, did you? ;) If it helps, they are naked in this entire chapter too. Also, listen to this song. Feel it. I'm serious.

And I would say I love you, but saying it out loud is hard  
So I won't say it at all, and I won't stay very long  
But you are the life I needed all along  
I think of you as my brother  
Although that sounds dumb  
Words are futile devices  
[Futile Devices – Sufjan Stevens](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaKXCrogzfk&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=28)

* * *

Dawn came especially bright that morning. 

Stefan bolted up in bed, sobered by startling reality and Damon's possessive arm wrapped around his naked waist. His morning wood pressed up against the crook of Damon's elbow. He was the one that put the soft peaceful expression on Damon's sleeping face. Changing everything between them to satisfy a lifetime of curiosity in one fucking night. A bright ball of panic rose up in his throat with all the intentions of making him hyperventilate.  _Shitshitshit_.

What the hell did they do?

He slipped out of Damon's hold, weary of his own shame. He quietly left the room without disturbing his brother.

It was his turn to pace.

This wasn't something he ripped apart and could put back together and pretend was okay. He couldn't pretend any of it had been normal. He also couldn't keep pretending he hadn't always wondered what it'd be like to be with Damon that way. Damon was going to remember what they did together, what Stefan wanted him to do. It was something Damon may regret or even worse, want again. Hell, Stefan knew he wanted more too.

The daylight streaming in was harsh and unrelenting in everything it revealed. He didn't know if this was a feeling he could ignore anymore. It had been a century and half of convincing himself not to think about Damon that way, wasted now. Swallowing hard, still tasting his brother, feeling terrified but also sort of excited was making him ill. Stefan meant it when he said there was no going back if something happened between them. But he couldn't imagine what new roads possibly lay ahead.

He climbed in the shower in his own bathroom. Everything felt irreparably different. The remaining dried animal blood washed away easily; the remnants of the rest of his night took a little scrubbing. He wasn't sure how long he stood under the water, but it was nearly cold when he felt Damon slip in behind him.

He waited for Damon to make some sort of move. His body quaked between running away and leaning into it. When nothing happened, he turned around slowly. Damon stared at nothing through half lidded eyes. Neither made a sound and Stefan realized Damon wasn't completely there. He reached out and cupped Damon's shoulder, thumb sliding over his collarbone, everything he wanted to say choked up inside him.

Damon woke up, startled by the water falling on them. Stefan dropped his hand and took a small step back.

"Good morning, brother."

Damon looked them both up and down, stuck on their nakedness. "How did we get here?"

Stefan wanted to laugh at such a loaded question but he knew Damon meant in the most literal sense. "We walked in. Me, fully awake, you followed, apparently less so."

Damon frowned at him. "You got out of bed before I woke up?" He sounded upset, like they had established proper rules about all this that Stefan was violating. They had, he realized, if their patterns dictated expectations.

Stefan sighed, "I needed to…" he wasn't sure how to finish that, tripped over all the ways he failed at dealing with anything.

"Stick to your routine of jerking off in here without me?" Damon suggested with one raised eyebrow.

Too overwhelmed by everything else to be embarrassed, because of course Damon knew that too, Stefan only shook his head. "No, that's not what I was doing." Even though he didn't feel like he could be blamed for wanting to now.

"Hmm. So, you didn't want to lure me here naked to take advantage of me?" Damon asked, a hint of light edging into his voice.

"I would never." Stefan smiled softly, his eyes trailing down his brother's body. Because knowing he was allowed, how could he not look? His fingers itched to reach out and touch Damon again, but he held himself back with clenched hands.

Damon preened under his gaze, unabashedly standing straighter and offering his body to be admired. He noticed Stefan's hardening dick taking an interest as well. "Is that the only part of you that wants me then?"

Stefan's hand twitched, ready to hide that particular betrayal of his body. He stopped himself. Once his dick had been in his brother's mouth they were really past that formality. There wasn't much point in denying the truth anyway.

He took a step forward, placing his hands on the wall, framing Damon's head. For a moment, Damon's eyes widened, shining with raw hope. Stefan almost lost himself in those blue eyes that pressed into parts of him no one else could ever touch. He was careful not to lean in closer, not to come into contact. But his brother's heated gaze felt like hands on his skin just the same. "It's more than parts, Damon." Many parts of Stefan wanted a lot of things. That didn't mean they had to keep going.

With his palms flat against the wall behind him and a careful blank expression masking whatever glimpse of something real there had been, Damon tilted his head. "So, what then?"

"We can't," Stefan dropped his arms and took a step back, limited in the enclosed space. His heart thudded so loud; there was no room for another sound inside him. It felt like his body was ripping in half to put distance between them. "I can't."

It was hard to define the expression that flitted across Damon's face.

"Relax." Damon closed his eyes and combed the water through his hair. "I know you need some time for your guilt spiral." He exhaled with a small shake of his head then turned quickly and started to get out of the shower. "Although, when you're over it, we could do that again sometime." He regarded him again, eyes narrowed. "But only the first one's for free. Next time you have to ask."

Stunned, Stefan followed. "You'd give me a blow job because I asked?"

"What have I denied you yet?" Damon got close to wrap a towel around Stefan.

"I mean, you're going to—or, would want to? Again?" He stumbled on the words as his hand brushed over Damon's fingers tucking in the corner of the towel along Stefan's waist. It was chaste, mostly. Covering him up while Damon was still dripping wet. If Stefan could convince himself to stop following the rivulets of water rolling down those abs to...

The cocky—nonono, not thinking about it— _smug_  look on Damon's face did not match the low timber of, "I want to do a lot of things with you."

And didn't that take the air out of his lungs and do weird things to his legs like a fucking girl. Because he'd heard it all before with the threat, the vicious slur, the damn spike in his chest of threat delivered, but never once sounding like that sweet sincere promise. The best he could crack out with was, "Oh?"

Which wasn't the refusal he should have said.

Damon offered a small smile as he rubbed a towel over his head and across his body. With the towel in his grip, he crossed his hands over his groin. "The bigger question is what do you want to do now."

"I- I don't know." Stefan hesitated. He hated his own apprehension. But it wasn't just the two of them. There were other people to consider. Like...

"Dammit, Elena's dance is tonight."

"Oh right, our girlfriend." Damon flipped the towel over his shoulder with raised eyebrows. "Is that still important?"

Swallowing hard, knowing he was about to ruin everything, Stefan nodded. He stared at the floor, anything that wasn't his brother's naked glistening body. "I have to help set up this afternoon. Before I come back to get ready."

Damon scoffed and Stefan couldn't blame him. "I promised her."

"And god forbid you break her trust."

"That's not fair." Stefan snapped, finally raising his head.

Damon smiled ruefully. "The taste of you on my tongue hasn't quite faded, brother, so I'm not really inclined to play fair." He patted Stefan on the stomach; somewhere the proof of their sex had been only an hour before. After a second, he snapped the towel off his shoulder and tossed it over Stefan's. He strolled out of the bathroom without a scrap of fabric covering him.

"Damon!" Stefan called after him, unmoving where he stood like Damon's fingers brushing against his skin had frozen him in place. The smell of his brother's clean skin lingered on the towel over his shoulder, dazing him again. "What are you going to do?"

All he got in response was a silence that filled Stefan with panic.

 


	29. Higher Than The Soul Can Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan wondered if all the celebration of life and being alive really covered up the great loss the town had suffered because of the monsters it attracted.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;  
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)  
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart  
I carry your heart  
(I carry it in my heart)  
[-e.e. Cummings](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNaM-N1NdGo&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=29)

* * *

High school dances in Mystic Falls were some of the most elaborate events Stefan had witnessed in his entire span of human history. Where most schools had clichés centered on paper streamers and twinkle lights, Mystic Falls had detailed themes with floor plans and costumed performers and live bands. It was... gratuitous.

Stefan wondered if all the celebration of life and being alive really covered up the great loss the town had suffered because of the monsters it attracted. They did provide at least a decent attempt at distraction. He was grateful for that much at least so he could get through the day with something else to occupy his hands if not entirely his thoughts. The day had passed by in a blur he couldn't really remember. Whatever his brother was up to, whatever disaster he was going to inflict to cover the hurt Stefan caused, he was taking his sweet ass time about it. Stefan's heart still thudded in time to the sound of Damon walking away.

Other teenagers again surrounded him—their friends—he reminded himself. _Her friends_ the voice he tried to ignore repeated. At least everyone cleaned up nice. He tugged at the knot of the tie against his neck.

Elena's small hand squeezed his, bringing him back out of his head. He smiled apologetically at her arched eyebrow.

God, she was lovely. Soft curves and pouty lips and everything feminine and delicate he appreciated attached to a willful stubbornness and determination he liked even more. She was special. He hated that he forgot that whenever she wasn't standing right in front of him.

"I finally have you all to myself. We're dancing right?" She offered the open sincere expression that made him happier too. He adored her smile.

He looked around, checked the doors one more time for any trace of his familiar shadow. But he wasn't there, so Stefan swallowed what felt a lot like disappointment in a gulp of watered-down punch.

Her hand tugged against his and he let himself be pulled away from the tall table they were leaning on. He didn't dance. It was too awkward, too public for him. But he owed her. He was here to spend time with her, to give her memories of an event that didn't go wrong. And the music was finally slow enough the kids on the dance floor had stopped all their embarrassing thrusting against each other.

"Sure." He smiled back at her, leading her onto the floor and holding her against him.

There were only so many dances in Stefan's repertoire so they waltzed. He kept the moves simple, easier for her to follow, and less chance of bumping into everyone. They glided around and around all the same. She looked delighted as he led her around the floor. This was simple, easy. He could try harder to be this version of himself with her. For her. And he almost believed they could stay this happy.

When the tempo picked up and the song changed to some new dance with choreography in the lyrics that everyone else already seemed to know, Stefan excused himself. Elena nodded with a small smile, finding Bonnie and Caroline to continue dancing.

Stefan made his way back to the table, infinitely aware of his age. He didn't mind watching them have fun. He knew they deserved a little silliness like spontaneous choreography.

A flask appeared at his elbow.

Following the hand attached to it, Stefan looked up to see Alaric's bemused face.

"You look like you need this more than me."

"Aren't you supposed to be chaperoning?"

Alaric's smile widened. "I am. I confiscated it from Tyler. He may think he's top dog, but he's still underage." He shook the mostly full flask in his hand. "I'll hang onto it if you don't want any."

Stefan took it from him with a quirk in his lip. "I'll take it. Tyler always has good shit." He took a heavy swallow as Alaric's eyebrow's shot up.

"And how do you know that?"

He shrugged sheepishly while offering it back.

"Hmm." Alaric closed his eyes as he took a drink himself. "Well, you're not wrong."

Sharing stolen liquor with a teacher at a school dance wasn't exactly normal, but Stefan found himself grateful the man thought of him as a peer instead of another underage student.

"So, how's Damon doing?" Alaric looked casually as possible and leaned his arms against the table.

Stefan bit back a smile. If Alaric was bribing him with alcohol to talk about his brother, it worked in Stefan's favor too. He looked around again. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, uninterested in the men's private conversation in the dark corner. "Did you see him? Is he here?"

"No, don't think so. I meant in general. Is he any better?"

"God, I wish I knew." Stefan carded his fingers through his hair.

"You've been watching out for him, right? I figured he was finally sleeping in his own bed since I haven't seen him in so long."

"Oh, oh yeah." He wasn't sure what the question was exactly. But Stefan already felt guilty for sins he had no plans on confessing. "He hasn't been by in a while, I guess, huh?"

Alaric looked at him with a hint of understanding. "No, I figured you were helping him work out some things he was struggling with."

Stefan stared at him, wondering how much the man knew. Stefan suddenly worried keeping Damon to himself wouldn't just ruin his own relationship. He could add that guilt to the list.

"What uh, what is your opinion on that whole thing?"

Alaric smirked. They both knew Stefan was being intentionally vague. "It's not like we discussed anything." He leaned closer and put his hand on Stefan's shoulder. "Damon talked in his sleep. When he slept." The touch was light but it still made Stefan feel like a worm on a hook. He squirmed beneath it, but Alaric did not release his hold.

Stefan swallowed hard, a spike of shame chasing down his chest. "I'm sorry if keeping him home messed up what you guys had going on. His sleepwalking was getting kind of destructive. I needed to keep an eye on him. I didn't think…"

"Whoa, whoa, relax." Alaric laughed, taking his hand off Stefan, but watching him closely. "As long as he's okay, it's all good. We had some fun. But we're adults, I knew where we weren't headed." He slid the flask forward and Stefan took a grateful swig.

"I don't know what to do about him." Stefan admitted. "It's been months, I'd do anything for him, but I don't know how to help him…" He sighed and started twisting his ring.

"Don't you?" Alaric asked with more disbelief than judgment.

Stefan looked up sharply. He'd had enough coded conversation and subtlety wasn't getting him anywhere. "How much do you know?"

Alaric shrugged. "I don't know about sleepwalking. But I know he cried out for you in his sleep. Claimed you. God, he'd kill me again for telling you that." He shook off the idea. "But you know, I can't fathom the life you've lived so far, what paths you each have taken. I don't know how your relationship has had to evolve. But everyone knows that you two are the most important person to each other."

An aching sense of regret shook inside Stefan. There was over a century and a half of denying what he wanted but Damon was still and would always be his brother. He simply stared at his friend.

Pausing, looking over the throng of teenagers, Alaric kept his voice low. "You're both the same kind of complicated, probably because you've spent so much time under each other's skin. Maybe you don't see it, but he needs someone desperately, in whatever capacity they are able, to love him."

Stefan started trembling. He clenched his hands into fists, and dropped his eyes to the table.

"Don't you want to be with him?" He struggled to get the words out. The burning flush in his face feeling too much like jealousy. As if he had the right to be selfish now.

"It's not the same thing. I wanted to not be in my life." Alaric said softly. "I spent so much time thinking my wife died only to find out she actually left me. I was suddenly in charge of these teenagers who didn't really need me. I was beat over the head with the unrelenting knowledge of monsters being real, but that sometimes they were okay people." He nudged Stefan's arm with his elbow. "Damon did me a few favors. But I'm still a human, and he's still a vampire. We're basically friends with benefits. Him eventually not sticking around after a few drinks wasn't really a surprise. Plus, he made me want to get back out there. The woman I'm seeing now is pretty great. It works for me."

Surprised, Stefan processed this. "You're dating someone?"

Alaric's warm smile spread. "Yeah, we aren't really serious yet, but she makes me happy." He lowered his voice again. "Life sucks. You gotta take love where you can find it, you know?"

The conversation could have gone a lot differently. Alaric wasn't stupid, but he didn't seem to be implying he thought there was anything inappropriate about Stefan's relationship with his brother either. The cool rush of relief washed away his panic. Stefan didn't have words that could possibly articulate how grateful he was for Alaric's friendship. He clapped his hand on the man's shoulder, and Alaric bobbed his head in a nod.

"So since you're here tonight is he making an appearance?"

"I don't know, I mean, probably. He's not…" All the words Stefan had to explain his brother left him. He wasn't sure what version of Damon would be showing up. If it was the one that put them all in danger, or the one that only tore himself apart. Alaric nodded like he understood anyway.

They stood there, finding their usual comfortable silence. Wordlessly, they passed the flask back and forth till it was empty. The both kept their eyes moving around the room. The habit ingrained for all public gatherings whether they needed a reason or not. It was Mystic Falls after all. Stefan realized they were both waiting for something to happen.

It didn't take long. Before the dance was over, the dark streak Stefan had been expecting appeared. He let out the breath he'd been holding all night. Damon stood still long enough to make sure Stefan knew he was there, the malicious glint in his eye only for his little brother.

Stefan caught Alaric's elbow and pointed, but Damon had already moved. Alaric let out a sigh and tucked the flask into his pocket.

"Guess I'm going to walk around and do my job. Let me know if you need anything."

Stefan nodded, eyes searching the room to find him again. Instead they fell to Elena, laughing with her friends.

He made his way over to her, increasingly upset that he had something to do with ruining another event for the girls to protect them from Damon - again. One step forward and two steps back in whatever progress they had made.

* * *

Damon tracked Stefan across the room from the corner where he'd tucked himself away. The strained way Stefan smiled at the girls and the way Elena wrapped her arms around his neck felt too much like vervain scorching his skin. He moved before Alaric got close, watching the man walk around like he wasn't worried. They were just so fucking oblivious.

He heard Stefan tell Elena it was time to get out of there. Saw her beg for one more dance.

Damon smiled at a girl passing by him, twirled her around. Didn't even compel her till he got her home.


	30. Shot For The Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to imagine a world where caring about someone didn't somehow end up hurting them made Stefan's face crumple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: REAL TALK, GUYS: Elena is extremely hard for me to write, which is why this chapter is so short. I'm hoping most of her characterization and experiences are remembered from the early years on the show. Stefan loved her then, and still loves her at this point in the story, (for reasons I'll never understand) so he's still conflicted. Then again, sometimes decisions are hard, and sometimes they make themselves.

Not ready to let go  
Cause then I'd never know  
What I could be missing  
But I'm missing way too much  
So when do I give up what I've been wishing for.  
[Down – Jason Walker](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvGYYg40Ijw&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=30&spfreload=10)

* * *

Elena didn't understand. Stefan tried apologizing for making her leave the dance early, but she wouldn't see the situation his way. He tried enticing her with other plans, settling on picking up ice cream and going back to her house.

They walked into her house at two different speeds. Stefan, practically flying around each room making sure they were alone, and Elena stomping in loudly with no fucks given about who heard the fight they were about to have. The house was empty, only shadows greeted them.

They met in the living room. Elena still fuming and Stefan suddenly wrung out.

"I didn't want to ruin your night." He said softly by way of apologizing.

"Because of Damon? Are you serious?"

"You're surprised?"

"At you! He cares about me. Damon wouldn't hurt me. Not ever." Elena chided.

Trying to imagine a world where caring about someone didn't somehow end up hurting them made Stefan's face crumple. Damon cared about Stefan, if anything, he could tell by the hundreds of scars that didn't show up on Stefan's body, but sometimes itched anyway. "You can't possibly know that."

"You honestly think Damon would go that far?"

"It's not that simple," he tried to explain. How to tell her what fury his brother wrought without knowing for sure didn't do him any favors. "I don't know what he's going to do."

"Well what did I do to upset him? We're friends."

"It's not you." He admitted, eyes falling to his hands.

"Okay…" She narrowed her eyes as she started to understand. "So what did _you_ do?"

Stefan fidgeted with his ring, and Elena stepped forward to put a calm hand on top of his.

"It doesn't matter. He's an ass." She shrugged as her anger lessened. "You've been spending too much time alone with him, clearly. He's still trying make you miserable. Every time you try to be a good influence on him, he turns out to be a bad influence on you."

The point needled into Stefan's side. He wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh. But everything was getting choked up again. Instead he swallowed roughly and went to sit down.

"He doesn't have that kind of control over me." Stefan was almost sure, anyway. Damon may be physically stronger, and his will may have been more absolute than Stefan's, but he didn't actually control Stefan's actions. That may have been unfortunate, really.

"You're only here with me now because you're hiding from him, aren't you?"

"I'm keeping you safe." Of which he was increasingly less sure. He wanted to have a fun night out to make her happy, to try and make himself happy too. He wasn't sure why it felt like he was actually protecting Damon by hiding away with her.

"You should forget him." Elena started but her mouth snapped shut when she saw the violent heat in Stefan's eyes. Silence lasted all of five seconds. "I'm sorry, Stefan. I just miss you." She leaned over, wrapping her hand around Stefan's arm and putting her head on his shoulder. "I don't like that you're out with Damon every night. Whatever his problem is feels like it's coming between us. And you're letting it. I never get to see you at all. We haven't spent any real time together in like, weeks." She stressed the time with exaggerated eyes that Stefan used to find so appealing.

"I know." His chest ached at the pain his choices caused her. "But all I've been doing is trying to help my brother, and you're trying to turn that into some sort of plot he has against me."

It's not like he could think about anything else. Now that Damon was clear on what he was after, Elena wasn't exactly wrong. Stefan still had to decide how to proceed. He looked at her ready to make up the forgotten time with her; leaning forward to press his lips against hers and tell her so when his phone rang.

Elena's eyes fell as Stefan aborted the movement to look down at the caller ID.

"It's him, right?"

Confused, Stefan shook his head as he brought the phone up to his ear.

"Ric?"

The voice on the other end made him go cold. "You need to get home, now."


	31. Indulge the Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The smell of blood smacked into Stefan like a freight train as he threw himself into the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Lest you all forget, Damon is a bad bad man. ;)

 "I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all.  
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe.  
If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other."  
[Frankenstein](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xwXOj55nIY&index=47&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc) 

* * *

Stefan ran. He left Elena with more promises he wasn't sure he could keep, but that didn't matter. Alaric didn't have many answers, just clues he gathered and repeated from the dance. The gossip grapevine that led directly to Caroline mentioned some girl leaving under Damon's thrall. It only meant something to those who knew the risk, but to them the risk was a whole hell of a lot. If Stefan didn't do something about him, Bonnie most definitely would.

The smell of blood smacked into Stefan like a freight train as he threw himself into the house.

His face contorted unaided, eyes gone black by the time he made it to the door of his brother's room.

Blood was everywhere.

The walls, floors and sheets were spattered red. The girl was streaked in dark stains, her ruined dress pushed up, covering her chest. There were rows of bites down her neck. Her legs lewdly spread across the bed.

Stefan's focus fell to Damon.

He was naked between her bent knees, hips pressed up against hers. Stefan realized he was still inside her. He had the same sporadic splatters, but his chin was coated bright red were the blood spilled over his lips.

"Hello, brother." His grin was vicious, baring dark teeth. He wiped his face on his forearm, smearing more of himself in the blood. "Care to join me while she's still breathing?"

Stefan swallowed hard, his throat dry and raw and his gums swollen and aching to bite—to rip—to feed. He swayed into the room, his right foot crossing the threshold, while the left stayed firmly planted in the relative safety of the hallway.

"She's alive?"

Damon regarded her with a dismissive glance, running his hands up and down her thighs. "For now. She doesn't have to be, if that's what you prefer?"

Ravenous hunger clawed at Stefan. "Stop." He whispered. His grip tightened on the doorframe, holding him back. The mouthwatering scent crashed against him in waves. The sound of her heart barely pulsed in his ears as he strained to listen. "Please fucking stop."

Damon opened his mouth again, dragging his tongue over his teeth. He leaned over to look the girl in the eye and she moaned. His hips canted up and down a few times, fucking her slowly. She touched his chest, not pushing him away, but stroking down his torso to paint his skin.

"You don't want me to stop, do you, sweetheart?"

The girl moaned again, hips moving weakly. "I don't want you to stop." She repeated quietly.

He looked back up at Stefan with that malicious smile. He took her hand off his chest and brought her wrist up to his mouth. His eyelashes fluttered as he licked over the delicate skin slowly, watching Stefan.

"I know what you want too, brother." Damon's eyes were dark and unrelenting, keeping Stefan locked in place with only his gaze.

"Damon…" Stefan trailed off. His muscles ached and his mouth watered as he strained against his own grip on the door. He watched his brother fuck her. The flash of Damon's dick appeared and disappeared again. The one Stefan could still feel the weight of in his hand. This was more than Damon walking in on Stefan and Elena before leaving again. This was uninterrupted, behind closed doors information, and he didn't want to see anymore but it felt impossible to look away.

He exhaled a shaky breath through his nose as Damon lowered her arm without biting into it. Instead Damon arranged her arms spread out from her side, tilting her head to expose her bitten neck to Stefan.

"We could share this. This way, if not the clean boring routine you deny yourself at the diner." Damon said quieter. He was still staring into Stefan's eyes, but the darkness was gone. He traced his fingers over the bite marks already on her body. "Stop pretending what you want isn't right here."

This was the Damon he was afraid of. Malicious and heartless. Tearing Stefan to pieces because he couldn't reconcile their differences.

But no. No, it wasn't quite fear Stefan was feeling. Not of Damon's wrath at least. The damage to their relationship really only changed one thing.

"Let her go." Stefan begged. He couldn't get his body to move. His dick was so hard his legs were quaking between the urges of _fightflightfuck_. The need was more compelling than whatever parlor trick Damon put on the girl. "Don't kill someone else because you're mad at me. This doesn't have anything to do with her."

With a sigh, Damon was suddenly standing in front of him. "I'm not going to kill her." He looked Stefan over with half raised eyebrows. His smugness splintered and the weary man peeked through. He scraped his thumb over his own chin, gathering her blood. He glanced at it before reaching out and wiping it over Stefan's lips.

Stefan's eyes closed, his whole body waking up in pain and in rapture. His mouth parted over the pressure and his tongue laved over Damon's thumb until he sucked it clean.

"This is what you want. Why are you fighting so hard against this?" Damon breathed hotly against his cheek.

Stefan's eyes shot open. His right side was betraying him by leaning further into the room. His hand was no longer on the doorframe but holding onto Damon's bare hip. Damon took his hand from Stefan's mouth to wrap around the back of his neck.

Exasperation clouded Damon. "Fuck, you can't actually be happy with her. You know that right?"

A puff of air escaped Stefan, but he stayed silent. He'd actually forgotten about Elena again. The beautiful sad girl he wanted to make it up to less than an hour before. Damon's fingertips tapped along the base of his head in an impatient rhythm. How would she begin to comprehend how much Stefan wanted everything in front of him?

"Not in the long run." Damon continued.

It was baffling how Damon could be so clear-headed about Stefan's failing relationship, when all Stefan could _tastesmellthink_ was blood and Damon. "I, I know."

"Do you?"

"Yes." Stefan tried to pry his eyes off the ruby red droplet hanging off Damon's bottom lip. If they were a little closer… "That's not why I'm with her."

"Isn't it? Because you want to be some goddamn normal human being?"

"Damon, I…" He wasn't sure what his reasons were anymore. He definitely didn't have the words to explain them to his brother.

"When you're _not_."

"She loves me." He panted out.

"But she makes you ashamed of yourself." Damon dropped his arm, and Stefan fell forward another step.

" _You_ make me ashamed of myself. And you make me hate you." Stefan's voice cracked. "Because I can't live the way you want."

"All I want is for you to be free, brother." Damon looked down at Stefan's hand. "The remains of our life can be more than merely survival. You don't have to go backwards just to feel alive, Stefan."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Stefan swallowed hard, staring at his hand sliding up Damon's side like it was acting on its own accord.

The tip of Damon's tongue peeked out as he licked over his lips. "She doesn't want you to have any of this. And you're repressing it so hard you're going to burst. You need to acknowledge this side of yourself. Stop being so fucking scared of it. You should see your face. How hungry you are." His tipped his blood-soaked chin upwards like an offering. "You can't starve what that thing inside you really wants forever."

Stefan's eyes were wet with unshed tears. His muscles ached from holding back and his stomach clenched over how much he wanted to fly forward and lick Damon clean.

"I can." He tried to believe what he was saying but he couldn't even convince his hand to release its hold on his brother.

Damon dropped his chin, his eyes narrowed. "Of course you can't. Look at you. You're not mad because of the blood, you're mad because you want it. You shouldn't be." He defiantly stared Stefan in the eye and stroked one finger up the hard line beneath Stefan's slacks. "Humanity is the cage, not who you really are. Stop resisting."

Stefan wasn't sure what they were talking about anymore. The blood, her blood, was everywhere, making Stefan light-headed and hungry. But he was saturated in the scent of Damon too. The smell of sex and Damon's clean sweat was overpowering in its proximity. The tease of his finger on Stefan's aching cock was almost enough to take Stefan over the edge with how bad he needed release. Wanting and needing, blood and Damon, blurred together and it was no wonder Stefan couldn't think straight.

Their fight had always been over blood. At least Stefan could fall back on that argument without making himself more vulnerable than usual. It was easier than what they weren't saying.

He groaned as he let go of Damon's hip. He leaned back, taking himself out of the threshold. Stefan winced and looked down at his hand, the sticky blood that transferred from Damon's skin. He crossed his arms, but it didn't help, so he pushed them into his pockets.

Damon waited a few seconds. "I'm insulted by the mere premise that you want to be normal. Because you aren't, and you won't ever be."

Stefan's unsteady resolve grew now that he won a few inches of space between them. "How else am I supposed to live? Like you? Tormenting and fucking and killing and-"

"Oh, come on." Damon snorted. "There is nothing wrong with fucking. Don't be an idiot. You've seen me feed without killing many times." Damon looked over his shoulder at the girl. "And that is not torture." His expression got dreamy, distant in remembering Stefan didn't want to know what. "She's going to be fine tomorrow. You clean them up, make them forget, then life continues for everyone." He looked back at Stefan. "Saint Stefan, it's not as bad as you think. You seem to be remembering the wrong bits. The learning parts, the rage parts. I do actually have those things under control. I want to show you…"

"No." Stefan snapped. "I don't want you to show me. I don't want to be YOU!"

"You may not want to be, but that doesn't mean it's not there inside of you, brother." Softly, Damon almost whispered, bringing the volume of their conversation down considerably. "What you really want isn't normal. You did want this at one point."

"I can fight it." Stefan instantly regretted saying it because the calmness on Damon's face fell away to make room for the indignant monster.

Damon shook his head, walking towards the bed and checking on the girl. He circled quickly around his room, pulling on jeans and fumbling with something out of a drawer. He marched back up to Stefan, getting in his face.

"Try. Yes. You've proved you can try to fight it. It's just stupid that you want to."

Stefan avoided eye contact and stared at the floor. He didn't budge as Damon leaned in close. Body sticky-hot from over feeding.

"There is a balance. We can be so much better. And I can't be anything but furious with you for wishing I were something less."

Wet lips kissed his cheek as intense pain bloomed in Stefan's side as if Damon shot him instead of just snarling.

Damon stepped back with dark eyes that couldn't look at him. The surprising ache spread quickly through Stefan's body. Bewildered, Stefan looked down at his hand tucked against his side and wondered why there was a growing dark patch on his shirt and a single red thread of blood falling down his arm. A metal plunger stuck to the hilt between his ribs. Oh, that's why it hurt.

"Come on, not ag...," Stefan hissed before everything went black.

 


	32. Keep Your Demons on a Leash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh but that look in Stefan's eyes. Damon finally understood what that hunger hid.

When I was a man I thought it ended  
When I knew love's perfect ache  
But my peace has always depended  
On all the ashes in my wake  
[Arsonist's Lullaby – Hozier](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEtkIRlz7Vw&index=32&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Stefan was still unconscious. Damon carried him out of his room and across the hall to lay him in Stefan's bed. Gently he pulled the vervain needle out of his side and peeled the ruined shirt off. He groaned. The skin around the needle had ripped with the angle Damon pushed it in, and the wound struggled to close. He collected more blood off himself, held his fingers in Stefan's mouth so it got into his system and did its job.

Damon had a few things to take care of. He did what he could about the girl and set to cleaning up the room while she rested downstairs, healing with his blood in her. He stripped the bed and wiped down the walls and floors, stunned at his own carelessness. He stood in the shower, peeling layers of dried blood off, scrubbing till his skin burned. The blood swirled down the drain carrying the mistakes he made away.

He would never help Stefan this way.

The mess he made hadn't been in the plan. He wanted to fuck around with her mostly, let his brother get an eyeful, just to show him Damon could get whomever he wanted, that he didn't want Stefan for the sex. Maybe to prove to himself he hadn't lost his edge.

It all went sideways though, as was unfortunately typical for many of his plans. Stefan didn't come home soon enough. Damon let his pride cloud his judgment. Let his anger at Stefan's obstinacy carry him away. The depths of his regret felt infinite.

Oh but that look in Stefan's eyes. Damon finally understood what that hunger hid.

Stefan still hadn't been saying no like he should have. He'd been trying to reject their reality, but he accepted the blood Damon offered. And he lingered so long, testing the limits of his will power, feeling out what he wanted, while Damon stood there naked but for the blood, and just… let him.

They were going to combust from all the things they weren't saying.

It was late in the night by the time Damon finished and figured out what to do with the girl. He prepared what he needed for when Stefan opened his eyes. Dawn was only a few hours away. He made sure Stefan's side healed over before he sat down on the bed next to him.

The curve of Stefan's spine glowed in the moonlight as Damon stared at the expanse of cool skin.

Their existence was magic. Always had been. No relationship had ever been as significant as the one he had with his brother. The girls they met never seemed to understand what they were dealing with. The Salvatore's had their own reasons, but they didn't come into this afterlife alone. It was no wonder he was trying to manufacture this one last link together.

Damon considered leaving for a while. Putting a few years between this disaster and the next, give them time to remember how to be brothers again. But running away never created any solutions.

He wasn't sure he could distract himself with their state of undress in Stefan's bed either, so he settled on covering them both in clean clothes. Which was interesting. Dressing a grown man, especially unconscious, was a lot different than dressing the little kid he used to feel responsible for.

How annoying and persistent that sense of responsibility remained. He knew Stefan had it in him to control his hunger, and Damon certainly was willing to do anything to make sure it was easier on both of them. But the rest of it, what Damon wanted, and what he believed Stefan wanted too, was a steaming pile of complicated.

He looked around his brother's room. They hadn't ever spent a night in it together. Because vampires needed an invitation to enter houses, Damon overcompensated and pretended that meant he was welcomed everywhere once he was inside. But for as often as he gave himself permission to appear in other people's beds, he had always resisted the urge to slide into this one. Damon figured that was a way of reminding himself Stefan was sleeping next to him to help with the problem of his wandering subconscious. That it wasn't as personal for Stefan as it was for Damon. That it wasn't everything.

It meant something different, more perfunctory, that it was always night after night of Stefan sticking around for Damon. He wondered if that made up for all the times during the daylight it was Damon running towards Stefan. Protecting him from everyone but himself. Their stupid impossible balancing act. Not finding a level place, just swaying back and forth between extremes.

Stefan coughed, barely stirring as unconsciousness turned into something more like sleep. Damon blew out a deep breath. He lay back with his head pillowed on his arm, looking at his little brother. It was stupid how gorgeous he was. If looks even mattered when that was a fraction of what Damon wanted. Stefan was the shining knight Damon begrudgingly followed into every battle. The bravest, kindest man Damon knew. The fact that he had seen his brother's dark side, the truth buried with good intentions, didn't take away from the fact that Stefan was a good man, the best, maybe.

Damon constantly found himself amazed by the lengths the kid went to in order to hide the fact that he was extraordinary. He'd only ever wanted Stefan to be strong and all Damon would do was ruin him. The taste he finally had, the ghost of the weight on his tongue that now branded him as permanent property of Stefan's only fueled his sick desire a thousand times over.

There had been a possibility for a slight chance that things could maybe work out between them. He was almost sure. As usual, he caught a glimmer of hope, panicked, and fucking ruined it within twenty-four hours. The promise of a lifetime of misery he once lied about made itself true again and again. He didn't think he could sleep, aching under the pressure of his mistakes, but the months of sense memory of lying next to Stefan seemed to overpower his anxiety.

The nightmares would come back tenfold if he fell asleep without touching his brother somehow. He quickly convinced himself that was the only reason he should reach forward and put his hand along Stefan's back.

Stefan rolled over at the touch, lying flat. Startled, Damon quickly pulled away. Stefan's arm dropped, sliding along the sheets, reaching beside him until it landed on Damon's hand. Still in a sleeping state he pulled Damon's arm around to his chest and Damon's body followed easily until they were pressed together. Damon wasn't sure his brother's eyes had even opened. Did they always find each other so easily?

He was happy to forget the last time they weren't locked together so tight their bones dug into each other's chests. He buried his face in the crook of Stefan's neck and breathed in his scent until his lungs were filled with it. He wanted so much more.

The flavor on his tongue, coursing through his blood.

The hand to stay held in his.

He wondered how they'd ever get there.


	33. Wash This Blood Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, I'm only… well," Damon chuffed a laugh, pretending anything was remotely amusing. "Human isn't exactly the right word, is it?"

_Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood  
_ _Clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather  
_ _The multitudinous seas incarnadine,  
_ _Making the green one red._   
[Macbeth. ACT II Scene 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsFCO8-oCEQ&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=33)

* * *

The dawning light of morning cut across them still held against each other.

Stefan woke up slowly. He glared at Damon's arm around his chest until Damon reluctantly unclasped his fingers from Stefan's and pulled his hand away. Stefan looked at him with silent accusation, as if it was Damon's fault Stefan pulled him closer.

"Hey, I'm only… well," Damon chuffed a laugh, pretending anything was remotely amusing. " _Human_ isn't exactly the right word, is it?"

Scowling, Stefan separated himself. After a painful pause he rolled over towards the wall and folded his arms around his chest.

Damon remained on his side of the bed staring at his brothers back. Desperate to run calming fingers down his sides, feeling Stefan's confusion and frustration radiate over him.

They stayed like that for a while. Both angry but not going anywhere, hurt licking against Damon's pride, mellowing it until he could only feel Stefan's pain. His fingers curled and unclenched and finally he placed his hand on Stefan's back. He was surprised Stefan leaned into his soft touch until they were facing each other. The wet in his baby brother's eyes made him look desperate and devastating.

With a sigh, Stefan moved closer so Damon had to wrap an arm around him as he tucked his face against Damon's neck. "You're an _asshole_ ," he muttered, pain muffled against skin.

"Yeah." Damon exhaled. Like he was sorry. Like he had a good explanation. Like he wanted to be different. But he couldn't make those words come out. He stared at his empty hands instead. "I know, Stef," Damon whispered back, one hand lacing through Stefan's hair, the other smoothing down the healed unbroken skin of his ribs and settling on his hip.

He pulled his brother tighter to him, encouraged by the fierce grip Stefan had around his shoulder.

Stefan nudged in impossibly closer. "I can't go back to not having this."

The rush of breath against his skin made Damon lean into it, rubbing his cheek against his little brother's head. He couldn't imagine not having this either. Stefan deserved so much more than Damon could offer but it would be Damon's stupidity that would sever their relationship. If he could convince himself that being brothers was enough, that they could have the closeness without trying to change everything about each other, things might be okay.

It was ironic that it always came back to Damon feeling helpless to comfort Stefan, when he still wanted to be angry. But he couldn't. He couldn't and he wouldn't because the kid needed him to be something other than petty.

"There's no reason we can't."

Stefan stilled in his arms. Damon wondered what he said wrong, cupping Stefan's face in his palm to see what changed.

Stefan's forehead had that deep knit in it that only spoke of familiar pain.

Damon grimaced. The details of the night before were coming back to him.

* * *

"Yes there is." Stefan wrenched out of his hold, pulling away quickly. He sat up and patted himself down where the wound had been. The spike in his side was gone, so was the bloody torn shirt. Changed, for a clean one of Damon's. For some reason, that pissed him off more. " _Of course_ there is. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Damon flipped onto his stomach, burying his face. "Nothing new." He mumbled into the pillow.

Stefan got off the bed, glaring at Damon's back. "What are we doing in my room?"

After a few moments of silence, Damon turned to hesitantly look up at him. "Mine was a bit untidy."

It took a minute for everything else to come back. Old distress flared up inside him. Stefan stumbled backwards with his hand on his side until he hit the wall. "Oh shit, Damon, that girl. Is she…?"

"Gone." Damon said simply as he pushed himself up and gracefully walked across the room.

Stefan felt the knot in his gut. He slid down to the floor in shock, overrun with every single emotion at once. They had been doing so much better. They were better. Different than the monsters that they used to pretend to be that were unfazed by casual homicide. He coughed harder, the burn in his veins flaring up like the vervain was fresh. Stefan burned with the shame of Damon seeing him weakened again. Damon froze with a surprised angry scowl instead. Silently, his brother disappeared from the room before returning with a glass in each hand.

A large clear glass appeared in front of him first.

"Drink this." Damon commanded.

He kneeled down in front of Stefan, keeping the glass steady. Damon's knees bumped against Stefan's leg, and the smell of him, different now, was still overwhelming. His earnest gaze burrowed into Stefan.

Stefan took the glass and held it to his nose. It didn't smell like anything except dishwashing detergent and filtered water. He drank deeply, downing it in one.

Damon watched him carefully, whatever annoyance he felt seemed to change as the wrinkle above his eyes became more pronounced. As if his big brother was genuinely concerned.

He then held out a short dark glass filled with what could only be blood.

"Now this one."

Stefan stared at his brother's hand. His side still ached. The vervain under his skin burned. The blood would help, but accepting it from Damon would only make him feel worse.

"Please, Stefan." Damon pleaded quietly.

Stefan breathed through his mouth to avoid the rich scent that was making his eyes go dark. He huffed harshly, "Damon, I…" he winced and took the glass, transfixed by the dark liquid.

"It's barely human. It's going to be okay." Damon spoke patiently, like he was talking to a small, frightened animal. Stefan wondered if that was how his brother saw him. Damon put a hand on Stefan's shoulder. "I hurt you. Please let me help you. Don't give up your trust in me yet."

Stefan let himself inhale. The girl's blood was in there, which was cruel, but it wasn't just hers, and it wasn't just human, an indistinct redolence under something stronger and sweeter. Stefan knew the scent like he knew his own, but couldn't figure out why that particular smell was in the glass. Blinking rapidly, he looked up at Damon.

"It's mine," Damon confirmed. He scooted closer, still on his knees. Watching Stefan carefully, he stretched one leg over and sat on Stefan's lap. The solid weight held Stefan down and the hand on his shoulder pushing him upright against the wall kept him in place. Stefan tried to calm his breathing, but each inhale only brought the scent deeper under his skin. By the time Damon nudged the glass against his lips, Stefan didn't have a choice but to swallow.

The rush of strength flowed through him making everything expand and tingle brightly inside. The pain went away, so did the tiredness. The manic hunger that usually followed after he broke his diet seemed softened by the taste of Damon. He didn't want to immediately devour everything; he just wanted to keep that one flavor on his tongue.

Stefan licked the glass clean, barely attempting to contain his composure. But Damon was still there, on top of him, and fuck, Stefan was still hungry. He dropped the glass, barely registering its thunk against the carpet as he pulled Damon closer. He crushed their mouths together, sweeping his tongue over Damon's lip where he still pictured the girl's blood. He thought he could still taste her inside his brother's mouth.

If Damon protested or met his movements, Stefan didn't notice. He didn't stop until he couldn't taste the blood anymore. Leaving his mouth on Damon's. It was only then Stefan felt his brother's hands on his wrists and noticed how hard he was gripping onto Damon's hips.

"Maybe that's how you transition." Damon breathed heavily, gently pushing Stefan's hands down to the floor. "You can have me—my blood, I mean. Anytime." His head tipped forward, brushing their noses together. "My strength can be your strength until you're ready for your own."

Stefan glared at his brother, understanding what he was offering. Not knowing how to turn it down when it was something he wanted too. The chance to be strong without losing control. But another girl had to die for it. Bonnie was going to make Damon pay when she found out. The agonizing fear threatened to strangle him. Stefan moved, tried to get his legs under him and Damon backed off to give him room to stand.

They stared at each other. Stefan felt better and worse all at once. Feeding from other vampires didn't really mean anything, except to those who seemed to think it did. Maybe it was because the power blood offered, that sharing from someone else meant something more intimate. Almost as intimate as coming in his brother's mouth at least. Stefan wiped the corners of his lips, licking his fingertips quickly.

His face felt burning hot but he used the control he could muster to fight the call the blood was screaming out to him. He ravenous for Damon's, who could recover quickly, who would be willing to share it with him, _who tasted fucking delicious_. But no. No, Stefan was too pissed to give his brother the satisfaction of being right, which seemed to snap him out of the bloodlust. Damon seemed to be watching for what reaction would make him go off first. Well, control had to come from somewhere; anger was a good enough place to start.

Stefan's hands shook as he grabbed Damon by the shoulders and held on. The pensive look on his face made Stefan want to hit and bite and kick. Or lick him. Which was just as infuriating. What the hell did Damon do to him?

Being mad at Damon used to make a lot more sense. And fuck him for ruining that too.

"Do you want to talk ab…?" Damon tried, before Stefan slammed him across the room.

Damon grunted as he hit the floor. As Stefan got closer, far from finished, Damon sprang up and faced him with an annoyed wariness.

Stefan's fist swung into Damon's chin with a crack.

Damon's eyes widened as he flexed his jaw, chuckling as he pushed the bone back in place. "Guess not."

Grabbing Stefan's arms, Damon brought a knee up and attempted knocking Stefan to the ground. He underestimated Stefan's new surge of strength from the blood, and instead Stefan pulled Damon over his head, flipping him backwards and crashing into the hallway.

Damon scrambled up, not backing down or running way, but not trying to pin Stefan again either. Stefan threw a lamp at him and he ducked—glass shattering against the wall behind him. Stefan latched onto his shoulders again with too much momentum and they both tumbled down the stairs.

This had been as frequently rehearsed a fight as any of their others. It only ended when one was bleeding profusely or unconscious. Neither ever really won. Damon was physically stronger, but Stefan cut with precisely laid words like a surgeon.

"You'll never be more than a monster!" He yelled as he slammed Damon into a wall.

Or more like, Stefan cut with clichés like the ax murder in a b-grade slasher flick. Damon pushed back, sweeping his leg under Stefan's and knocking him to the floor. Climbing up, he sat low on Stefan's chest, grabbing his hands to keep him pinned down.

"Enough." Damon shot back, eyes wide and dangerous. "Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult with you?"

Stefan pushed against his hold but he was so tired of the never-ending battle. He gave one last halfhearted attempt before he stopped struggling. Instead Stefan let the frustration and broken feeling wash over him. "You make everything impossible."

" _I_ make everything impossible?" Damon repeated incredulously. "What are we even fighting about right now?"

"What did you do to the girl, Damon?" The burning question came out quiet and imploring.

Damon's grip went loose over his wrists, and after a second he let go. "Last night you _wanted_ her blood so bad you sucked it off my finger. This morning you _needed_ it so bad, you drank it with mine." He smiled lazily as he bent down, brushing his lips over Stefan's cheek. "Both of those by the way were incredible experiences for me." He sat up straighter, keeping Stefan pinned down with a hand on his chest. "You don't get to be upset when you're a willing accomplice. Stop pretending you're a good person."

"Get off me." Stefan growled. He pointedly ignored whatever his brother was saying. At least Damon had the decency to obey.

Damon stood, brushing himself off. "What are you so mad about? The fact that she wanted to fuck me and I complied, or feeding off of her without sharing or fixing her up and sending her home after I put you to bed?" Arrogance rolled off of Damon as he narrowed his eyes.

Is _'put him to bed'_ what they were calling it? Stefan glared up at Damon, throat going dry as he exhaled sharply. "She's still alive?"

Damon held a hand out to help Stefan up. "Don't look at me like that."

"Why do you keep pretending to be this monster?" Stefan exhaled in frustration, fisting his hands through his hair. Why did wanting to be with Damon have to blind them with the light shining on all their other problems? When would their bad habits and awful shithead mistakes stop getting in the way? Every muscle taut with anger seemed to loosen, leaving Stefan with the lethargic feeling of waking up all over again.

"Maybe it's time both of us stopped pretending." Damon said quietly.

Stefan raised his hand to Damon's and stood so they were face to face. The warmth in his brother's expression felt safer and Stefan wanted so badly to yield to him. To let everything else fade away. Damon pulled him closer by the grip on his hand, narrowing the distance between them. "I told you," his head tilted, gaze flicking back and forth between Stefan's eyes and his mouth, "we can have whatever we want, brother."

"What's the catch?" Stefan barely choked out.

Damon's eyes landed sharply on his. "You just have to tell me."


	34. Let Us Be Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Damon wanted someone, he wanted with his entire being. Stefan saw his brother bend over backwards until he wrecked himself over that fact again and again.

Secrets - are mine to keep  
Protected by silent sleep  
I'm not ready, I'm not ready  
For the weight of us, for the weight of us  
[The Weight of Us – Sanders Bohike](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZiDlT94vp4&index=34&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Stefan went to take a shower and get the wood and glass out of his hair. If he expected Damon to follow him, he was disappointed.

By the time he came back downstairs dressed in his own clothes, the room was clean if a bit darker. He knew they'd have to go shopping again. How many times had they replaced the lamps in the house because of their fights? They had perfect night vision. Why did they even have so many fragile things around?

He found Damon in the kitchen washing the glasses from that morning.

Stefan watched him, seeing him in a new light. He actually believed the idea that the man would give him anything; that they could be anything they wanted together. And the feeling of trust was all consuming and brilliant and not nearly as terrible as he thought it could have been. When Damon wanted someone, he wanted with his entire being. Stefan saw his brother bend over backwards until he wrecked himself over that fact again and again. He never thought he would be on the receiving end of that desire. He never imagined he'd be allowed to reciprocate.

Stefan knew he hadn't actually instigated anything that had happened between them yet. Everything was a reaction to Damon making the first move. Every desperately willing reciprocated reaction. He wasn't really sure what would happen if he asked. That was probably the point. Damon needed Stefan to figure out what he wanted.

He'd loved Damon since the very beginning. Since his first tottering steps in the world, he'd been chasing his big brother. Even in the Before when Stefan's open love for Damon started to feel like something he shouldn't express so openly, his affections didn't remotely lessen. It could have been excused as one of those emotions amplified by turning into vampires. Familial love and the yearning he buried turning into the intense orbital force Stefan felt around Damon in the After. Hunger and hatred masking pure need as a necessity to go on living without his brother when he had become convinced Damon hated him first.

Maybe it wasn't the same thing back then, lacking the ferocity that seemed to be building each day since Damon kissed him. It didn't really matter. Stefan's desire would not be abated now.

If the responsibility of their future was going to be his choice, he at least needed to figure out what exactly he was struggling over. He walked closer, putting his hands on Damon's sides. Damon froze with the drying towel in one hand and glass in the other. He didn't turn around, but watched Stefan's hands as they wrapped around his waist and Stefan pressed the rest of the way against him.

They spent so many nights this way, but something felt more intimate in the quiet daylight.

Damon was all corded muscle and sharp angles and everything the girls he'd been with were not. But stubborn as everyone he'd ever met combined, and so fucking beautiful. Beautiful in a way he hadn't let himself think about since they were human. But he could think about it now. With his forehead pressed to the back of Damon's neck and hands stroking over his ribs.

"Do you need something?" Damon finally said, smiling even though Stefan couldn't see his face.

"Just this." Stefan replied softly, relishing the shiver his breath sent through his brother.

"Care to be more specific?"

"No." Stefan tilted his head so his cheek rested on Damon's neck. His hands grew braver, sliding around Damon's waist and slipping under his shirt feeling skin and tense muscles with his fingertips.

"I see." Damon lowered his arms to set the dish stuff down and turned, carefully leaving Stefan's hands under his shirt.

Everything was changing. Stefan took a deep breath, feeling Damon's chest rise and fall with his. "Are we going to reach a point where you stop trying to make me hate you?"

"I know it's confusing." Damon sighed, but didn't move away from Stefan's touch. "It's my fault you're going through this. I'm sorry, Stef."

"No, don't apologize for this. I'm glad…" Stefan kept his hands moving along Damon's waist. He needed Damon to know how serious he was. "I'm glad you kissed me that first night."

Damon squeezed his eyes shut and tipped his head back, letting the confession wash over him. They both knew it would take more than that. He looked back at Stefan. "Everything you're worried about, brother, I fear it too. God knows we've lost enough sleep over this. And I'd take it all back if I wasn't so convinced it would make things worse between us." He brought his hands to rest over Stefan's, the thin fabric of his shirt between them.

The soft look in Damon's eyes was unnerving. They weren't going back now. Whatever happened, it was a choice both of them were making. Stefan untangled his hands, settling on his brother's hips instead. With resolve Stefan commanded, "Take it off."

After a flash of scrutiny, Damon eyes lit up in a delighted challenge that screamed ' _make me._ '

Stefan gripped his hips harder, bumping him into the counter as a response.

Damon jolted but didn't move away, peering down at Stefan with that infuriating half amused expression.

With painfully obvious intent, he lifted one arm to the back of his shirt, pulling the fabric upward maddeningly slow. By the time his head came free Stefan was done.

He yanked the shirt out of Damon's hands and threw it behind him, going back to his torso, fingertips dancing over the skin, mesmerized by how little of his brother's body was actually covered by the span of his hands. He could see how much sharper the lines were, how much more filled out Damon was since he fed so recently. Feeling familiar, unfamiliar. It was acutely sensual touching him this way, the way Stefan tried to avoid touching him every night they'd been sleeping together. That had to account for the soft noise of pleasure Damon made and the electric current thrumming under Stefan's hands.

His eyes followed his fingers, closely memorizing each detail as he slid over the firm planes, the flatness of his brother's body, the divots between the muscles, the v-cut of his exposed hips, the dusting of chest hair and the smoothness everywhere else except for the meticulously well-groomed trail of hair below his navel that disappeared below more fabric. His fingers came to a stop at the button of Damon's absurdly low-slung jeans.

There was a strangled noise where Damon lost a little of his breath. Stefan could do it, his knees trembled to sink down, bury his nose in that equally well-groomed patch of hair and really explore all the intricate differences of men. Of _this_ man. There had never been another man that made him want this. He had never wanted anybody the way he wanted Damon.

"Not yet, brother," strained out of Damon's throat, his hand lifting Stefan's chin.

Stefan's back straightened, not realizing he had already been lowering himself. He stared into his brother's lust blown eyes. Knowing his whole face was reflecting the same feeling back. The way Damon's mouth had felt on him, the way it made him believe impossible didn't have to be complicated. He wanted to return the favor, to make the man feel the same way. But of course Damon was right.

Damon's thumb stroked over his lips, dipping between them and grazing his teeth. "Eventually, you will be free and we'll do everything you want. You can hate me for everything I deserve, but I won't let you hate yourself for her."

Groaning, Stefan forgot-remembered-forgot again about Elena. The whorls of Damon's thumbprint left rough trails over Stefan's tongue. He latched onto the digit, captivated by the burning heat in his brother's eyes.

Damon stared half-lidded at Stefan's mouth. "Are you hungry?"

Breath hitching, imagining his lips, his teeth, around any part of Damon and getting that taste again, Stefan nodded, trying not to bite into the skin of Damon's thumb.

Laughing softly Damon removed his hand. "There's sandwich stuff in the fridge."

Stefan closed his eyes but was unable to hide his smile. The air around them started to break into something a little less overwhelming. He kept one hand on Damon's waist, the other traced along the shadows under Damon's eyes. "Are you tired?"

Damon's lip twitched, looking briefly annoyed before it turned to something almost apologetic. "I didn't sleep at all last night. Was just watching you."

Stefan's gaze was stoic. "I'm still pissed." The words came out soft, but didn't make them less true.

"Good." Damon nodded. "You should be furious for a thousand reasons."

"Not a thousand." Stefan shook his head. "Just the big ones."

Pursing his lips Damon silently questioned him.

"You knocked me out, for one." Stefan rubbed the back of his neck. Not every scratch was a mortal wound. The lingering anger was hard to hang onto. They'd done much worse to each other through the last century. His hand fell to Damon's other side. "You're this huge fucking tease, and I can't catch up to you. You pried this feeling out of me when I had this whole other life mapped out."

"There wasn't much room for me in that normal life, brother." Damon tried sounding unaffected but Stefan heard the underlying accusation. Damon thought Stefan would actually try to cut his brother out of his life. As if he ever stood a fucking chance of living without him.

"There was plenty of room when we were just brothers." Stefan's eyes widened. "But now I want things to be different as much as you do, but I can't be with you if it's going to be like this. We keep screwing up." His grip tightened, digging into Damon's hips. "I don't have a clue how to be without you either." He could hear his voice rising but didn't know how to stop it. "Then you go cutting me in half because you lash out when I hold back on making this colossal change, basically proving this thing between us will never work!"

"I know." Still quiet, Damon backed up, sliding out of Stefan's hold. "I did terrible things to you. I, fuck, I wasn't going to screw her, but she was into me before I ever compelled her. You didn't come home right away and I kept picturing you with Elena, and it… I hated it. And I hurt you, again." He sighed and took a step sideways. "I always do terrible things to you."

"It was worse when I thought you killed her…" Stefan started. He let Damon put the room between them. Let the distance clear his head. At least they weren't yelling. He leaned against the counter so they were side by side.

"Not this time. I told you I wouldn't. That we don't have to."

"I wanted to believe that, but you intentionally made me think you did."

"I just wanted to see. Just because I didn't, doesn't mean I won't next time."

It wasn't a threat. They were both resigned to the fact that sometimes, that's how things went for them. Hunger and anger took up a majority of their personalities. That's when the blood made promises it couldn't keep, and the feeling inside that screamed for death took it from whoever was nearby. Damon testing Stefan's trust by misleading him wasn't really a surprise. Stefan wished he were better than continuing to fall for Damon's act.

"I know." Stefan tried to clear his throat.

His brother crossed his arms over his chest. "You're just as likely to flip out. To turn it all off." He winced, regretting acts they hadn't committed yet.

"Yeah," he huffed. Sometimes it wasn't an act. They were both great and terrible monsters. He looked sideways at Damon. "Then what?"

"Nothing has to change." Damon frowned, pulling his shoulders up in a shrug. "I'm here. We can continue standing by each other's side."

"Is that something we just decide?"

"No, I don't think we decide any of it." He leaned over, bumping shoulders. "We're in it now. We'll figure this out eventually. Together."

Stefan wanted to believe that too. More than anything he'd ever wanted. But every time he let Damon into his life, thought they had a chance to be brothers again...

No, this wasn't about being brothers. Maybe it never was. Failing at that old goal wouldn't be disappointing if he had something better. Except, _except_ …

Forgetting. Remembering.

"What about Elena?" He wondered out loud. Not expecting a response.

Damon's silence was an agreement that she was a question to which he had no answers.

A tiny blinking light caught the corner of Stefan's eye.

He pulled back, slowly walking towards his phone by the front door where he dropped it the night before. Where he let go of everything to run to Damon. He picked up his jacket off the floor. Found his phone had a series of missed messages. A few from Alaric, the rest from Elena.

"Real life calling?" Damon asked from where he was still leaning against the kitchen counter. Stefan watched Damon pull his shirt back on.

He curled his bottom lip over his teeth and nodded. "Yours too." Stefan looked back at his phone, scrolling through his text messages. "You should call Ric. He has some questions about the girl."

Damon stepped away from the counter and sighed. "I'll deal with that later. I'm going to take a nap." He went towards the stairs.

Stefan didn't remember the last time Damon went to bed without him. Their routine… "Do you want me to—"?

"No," Damon cut him off. He didn't turn around, didn't even sound upset. Just exhausted.

It still felt like rejection. Stefan wasn't sure who was rejecting the other anymore. But he hated it.


	35. Shadow and the Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He debated warning his brother, but maybe one tiny punch to the ego would be payback enough for the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm coming to terms with most of my readers having class on weekday mornings. I'm in the mood to ruin some lives, so I may start posting chapters at midnight only. Haha. Just kidding, but here's the next two chapters because I love you and who needs sleep. xoxo -SA

"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."  
[Pablo Neruda](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwdUVjyxWrM&index=35&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Stefan didn't want Elena in the house. Not with Damon down the hall. But his car and keys were at her house since he ran home the night before. The feeling of being so overcome with panic and worry seemed like ages ago.

She insisted on driving the car to him. He wasn't sure he saw the point. He could run back, even at human speed, it wouldn't take long except to explain why, but she had called from the road.

He debated warning his brother, but maybe one tiny punch to the ego would be payback enough for the night before. Something to help Stefan feel like he had a little more control over everything going on between them. He walked outside and collapsed into a chair on the porch.

Okay. That would be a dick move. But here she came.

* * *

Damon lay in bed, stripped down on top of the blankets. He couldn't sleep. Stefan's side of the bed was empty and cool to the touch, and the sheets didn't even smell like him since they were fresh. He pushed aside the regret that flared up. The girl hadn't been any kind of satisfying. Willing but incapable of fulfilling his desires. Not when he wanted someone so much better. He hadn't even gotten hard enough to do anything worthwhile until Stefan had stood in front of him. Now he couldn't make the hungry beast go down.

His cock throbbed in his hand, but he couldn't bring himself to alleviate the pressure. Stefan's hands set his body on fire. They'd get there. He was sure they would. Where it could be Stefan's hand instead of his. Or the parts of his brother that didn't spend as much time pushing Damon away.

Fuck.

He wasn't some prepubescent kid. Jerking off in his bed alone was not his style. He'd always given Stefan shit for the self-denial he went through over his diet, but Damon could be just as stubborn when it came to denying himself other things.

He was a charming badass stud— _he was Damon fucking Salvatore_ —and if he wanted to get laid, he could. _Would_. Eventually.

The soft voices coming from outside seemed to argue against him.

* * *

Elena sat next to Stefan, dropping his keys in his open hand. Her smile reminded him of the sun; warm and bright and blistering when he wasn't prepared for the exposure.

"So, what happened last night?"

It could take weeks for him to figure that out too. Instead of an answer, he watched her. He didn't know why she seemed so hesitant. Her phone was vibrating in her hand, but other than glancing down then away, she didn't seem to pay it any attention. He didn't notice how much she was looking up at the road until he heard another car crunching leaves on his driveway.

He lurched to standing, appalled as the whole alt-scooby gang got out of Caroline's car. Matt came over from the passenger side, nervous, Bonnie got out of the back, determined. Tyler followed, eyes darting around, apparently scouting for escape routes.

"What is happening?" Stefan asked, alarm ringing loudly in his head.

"Can we come in? We need to talk." Caroline tried politely. Her usual smile was forced and insistent.

Stefan didn't have a chance to refuse them. By the time he figured out they were there on a mission, Elena had opened the door and let them in.

He herded them into the room off the kitchen, advising them not to wander. If letting his girlfriend into his home felt like crossing a line, letting her friends— _their friends_ —fill the house was a call to war.

They all sat around him at the formal dining table.

With him at the end it suddenly felt like a conference meeting, or an interrogation. It wasn't like anyone used the table for anything else.

"What is going on exactly?" He repeated.

Everyone's head swiveled to Bonnie, whose narrowed eyes were on Stefan.

"We need to talk about Damon."

* * *

At the sound of his name from the witch's mouth, Damon sat up in bed.

So the villagers had come to storm the castle after all. This was it. The moment Elena would ruin them both.

Whatever he was trying to convince himself into, or out of, was suddenly irrelevant. His softer-by-the-second dick seemed to be okay with aborting whatever teasing Damon was sinking into. Instead, he got up and got dressed.

* * *

In Stefan's long and varied experiences of being questioned about his brother, this had definitely been the lamest. Although the sheer number of interrogators about one person was sort of impressive.

Elena sighed.

Bonnie shot her a look and went back to Stefan. "What are you going to do about him taking Darcy from the dance?"

So the girl had a name. He couldn't remember if he ever saw her in a class. The image he was having a hard enough time suppressing, blood on the sheets, and her thighs around Damon's hips like an arrow pointing to the spot their bodies met flashed in front of him. He didn't say anything. The panic his brother's name usually brought up was either on such a consistent current that he didn't flinch, or he didn't feel the same fear of everyone's suspicions. He knew what his brother was capable of. Without Damon's misdirection, he was confident she was alive and in one piece with a pleasant memory of her night with the dark stranger and no memory of the blood.

He dismissed their concern with a wave of his hand. "I'm not going to do anything. She isn't dead."

"That's not the point." Matt said quietly. Stefan could hear fear in the uptick of his heartbeat.

"We have to stop him from letting it get that far. He's too dangerous." Bonnie insisted.

Yes, he was. Far too dangerous for Stefan's own good at least. He clasped his hands together and stared at them on the table. But it'd been so long since Damon killed anyone for the hell of it. Even though he knew it was never really just for the hell of it. His brother wasn't the kind of danger the neighborhood needed to worry about so much anymore. Another flash of the girl's hand on his brother's bare chest disappeared under the fresher memory of Stefan's greedy hands replacing hers made Stefan's palms tingle.

"That's ridiculous. She was barely compelled."

"Barely!?" Elena squeaked, a little too loud. "Stefan, it's _wrong_!"

Stefan looked around the table at their friends— _his friends_ —each a measured second. The doppelgänger, the werewolf, the witch, the baby vampire, and the human hunter. They were just _kids_. There were leagues of grey they still had to experience. He couldn't even remember what such black and white convictions felt like. Although, he probably had a firmer grasp on that morality issue before he had kissed Damon back.

His throat had trouble clearing and he rubbed at a phantom itch on the back of his neck. "No. Feeding on someone and letting her go home is not wrong." He found Caroline paying the most attention. "It's the right way, actually."

She nodded almost imperceptibly, her lips pressed in a tight line. She glanced over at Matt, who was still looking nervous, rubbing his forearm like it may have been tender. Stefan realized they both understood. Guess she wasn't with Tyler anymore. There seemed to be a lot of things he didn't notice anymore. He didn't have to wonder how he missed that change.

Whatever Bonnie started to say came to a crashing halt as her eyes shot up, and suddenly everyone was looking at something behind Stefan.

Someone.

He didn't have to look to know who it was. Though he was surprised he didn't hear his brother arrive. His heart dropped at the idea of Damon knowing everyone was gathered against him in his own house.

He ducked his head, cursing his own stupid acquiescence to let them all inside when Damon was supposed to be sleeping upstairs, before turning in the chair to face him.

"Hello, brother."

Damon stood there, arms crossed over his chest, legs and body rigid, but his eyes were wide and manic. The control over his voice sounding a little strained. "Another game night?"

Stefan shook his head, knowing he looked guilty as fuck. "Not exactly."

"Right." The word came out clipped, and not hurt exactly, but something Stefan considered more dented than broken. Damon walked toward the front door with a look on his face that screamed of bad decisions.

Stefan was up in a flash, the table of teenagers abandoned as Stefan chased his brother outside.

Damon ended up on the other side of the house, opening the door to his Camaro by the time Stefan pulled him back.

He tried to dodge Stefan's hand, visibly pissed off. The sinking feeling inside Stefan found new depths. He couldn't stomach seeing the back of his brother's head anymore. He wedged himself between Damon and the car, standing in front of the seat and gripped Damon's shoulders with both hands.

"Please. I'm sorry."

"I don't care." Damon stepped back, unable to get further with Stefan barricading the opening.

"Of course you do. And I'm sorry. I'll get them out."

"It doesn't matter." Damon shifted slightly back and forth, looking more like a cornered wild animal than anything. "I'm going out. Do whatever you want."

Stefan stepped forward, grabbing the middle of Damon's shirt and pulling him closer. "Don't you dare fucking leave me." He cupped one hand under Damon's chin, yanking his head up so they could look at each other. "I didn't ask them to come over. I'm not going to let them do anything to you."

Damon stopped moving, furious eyes boring into Stefan's. "I'm not scared of them." He snarled through gritted teeth. Damon's eyes were darkening, but Stefan wasn't worried anymore. His hand dropped away.

"Well, they are scared of you!" He shouted back.

Blinking rapidly, Damon looked away, didn't get far with Stefan still holding him in place. He kept his eyes averted until they cleared, blinked again when they were wet and shining. Softer, Damon looked back at Stefan. "Are you?"

"No!" came out so quick, he worried his big brother missed it so he tried again. "No, I'm not scared of you." He released his grip on Damon's shirt, smoothing out the fabric, unable to stop touching once he started, so he rested his hands again on Damon's shoulder. "Please. After every fucked up thing. You're the one I count on, okay? I lo-" Stefan cut himself off and shook his head. He couldn't say those words. Not yet, not when everything was still so fucked. He caught Damon's wide eyes and tried again. "I'm not scared of you. Of this. I just need to take care of them first." He took a small step forward, pulling Damon closer too. "I still trust you. Please trust me too."

"Yeah." Damon blew out a breath. "Yeah. Okay." He tried taking another step away, but Stefan kept a hold of his arm. "I need to get out of here before the witch gets any stupid ideas about me. But you and me…" He put a hand on Stefan's cheek rubbing his thumb over Stefan's bottom lip. "One more day, alright? Today is the last day we get to be fucking idiots, and tomorrow, I'll come home and we'll make this better."

Grateful, Stefan pressed into his touch. He tilted his head, letting both lips brush over Damon's thumb in the shadow of a kiss. He'd been waiting for his brother to look at him that way for a century and a half. One more day. He let go and took a step sideways letting Damon get in the car.

"Don't let those fucking kids make you feel ashamed of what we are." Damon muttered, staring out the windshield.

Stefan only nodded as Damon drove away.

* * *

Stefan walked slowly back inside to a table of stunned silent teenagers.

"You didn't stop him?" Bonnie stood up, banging her hands on the table. "He's going to hurt somebody."

"Enough." Stefan growled. He saw the moment they each suddenly remembered that Stefan was dangerous too. He glanced over his shoulder at the closed front door. "He's fine." He went back to his seat at the head of the table. "Sit. Down. There are a few things you all need to understand about my brother."


	36. Written In Our Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know better than to antagonize vampires in their own home."

Those rocket brothers on the verge  
We should be careful 'cause it could burst  
And we're not lonely anymore  
Lonely as we were before  
[Rocket Brothers – Kashmir](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bB6HDsJ382w&index=36&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

Alaric didn't seem surprised to walk into the living room and see the vampire on his couch with a drink in his hand. Damon usually showed up without announcing himself.

"Rough day?"

He nodded, staring at his near empty glass. "You didn't get in on the lynch mob action happening over at my place?" Damon tried for humor, but it came out flat and obvious. He didn't really care. He had always preferred being the bad guy. These things sometimes happened. He just had to steer clear of the blast zone long enough for everyone to calm down.

Alaric smirked, sitting next to him. "I know better than to antagonize vampires in their own home."

Damon's eyes widened a little, still looking at the drink. "Wisdom the children of this generation should benefit from."

"They're doing what they think is right." Alaric shrugged.

"I didn't kill her." For once he was tired of everyone assuming the worst in him. He turned to search his friend's face to see if there was the same hint of fear or judgment in his eyes.

"I know." Alaric patted Damon's knee. "You wouldn't be here if you had."

Damon's hand covered his. He wondered how he hadn't burned this bridge yet. Their friendship had changed a lot, but Alaric seemed as comfortable as when everything first started between them. He thought about the bite marks he'd left along the man's torso, wondered if any scars were still there. Wondered if he had it in him to leave any new ones.

He leaned a little closer, letting their shoulders touch.

Alaric smiled. "I missed you too, buddy."

* * *

"Damon is not the monster you think he is. I understand that all of you are upset. But I need him. Which means you need him too. My brother is the only one willing to do what it takes most of the time. Okay?" Stefan looked directly at Bonnie's narrowed eyes. "I'm telling you I will handle this." He took in each one of them around the table.

"You're all still new to this world. The magic that makes most of us up," his eyes fell to Matt, "and makes up the people we care about, isn't easy. It's messy and we sometimes get it wrong. But Damon has saved all of your asses at some point. He's made a lot of hard decisions to keep the blood off of your hands. He is not heartless. Don't you fucking forget that."

Elena's hand went to Stefan's but he barely felt her touch. He believed what he was saying about his brother. He didn't know if he believed the same thing about himself.

"In this life, you're all going to need him again sometime. And when that day comes, you call, and we'll be there. So you don't get to do anything to him now."

Elena's forehead knit together and she stared at the loose hold of their hands.

Caroline bit her fingernail, looking surprised.

He smiled softly at her, knowing she was going to be around the longest. "You're my friends too. I'd do anything to protect you the same way."

She smiled brightly, letting her hand rest on the table.

Bonnie slumped back in her chair, processing whatever she was thinking. Matt seemed satisfied with a completed mission. Tyler yawned and looked at his watch.

Stefan took a firmer hold on Elena's hand, looking everyone else in the eye. "Thank you all for your concern. Now, please get out of my house."

* * *

He needed to get out. This hadn't been why he came to see his friend. Damon didn't think one attempt to get off with someone else would make him feel like setting himself on fire. His dick seemed to protest, only, in whatever the opposite direction of Alaric's body was. It was the first time his dick protested anything. Damon couldn't exactly blame it for its preferences. The hungry dark eyes of his brother watching him moving inside the girl haunted him and he could feel the phantom touch of Stefan's hands gripping his hips. So one more session on Alaric's couch was aborted because he hadn't been remotely hard, and Alaric seemed too amused to really push the matter.

If anything, sitting across from each other on the couch again with their clothes undone, drinking— _because what else was there to do_ —had been sort of interesting. He realized that's what letting humans into his life, letting them live long enough to become friends, led to. Satisfied drinking half naked together. Shit.

"We used to be better at this, right?" Damon finally asked, finger picking over the edge of his glass.

Alaric was silent while he gathered his thoughts. Damon always appreciated that his friend chose his words carefully. After a moment Alaric finally looked up at him. "Anything was better than nothing." He elbowed Damon's arm, making the liquor slosh around.

Damon glared at him but the man gave him a meaningful grin. Right. That's what it had been about. They were each other's Hover Dam sized barriers to hold off the loneliness. Except they weren't so lonely these days.

"How is your little girlfriend?" Damon exhaled and took another drink.

Alaric's smile warmed his whole face. "She's kind of perfect. We aren't even that serious yet, but she makes me want to be, you know? I want to make her promises and keep them."

He started nodding, he had an idea of what that felt like. "Good. I'm glad you have someone you want to make happy."

Carding his other hand through his hair, he leaned against the back of the couch. He wanted to keep his promises too. The good ones. Preferably without destroying his relationship with his brother. He wanted to know how to fill that empty hollow feeling inside. Those damn teenagers in his house could go fuck themselves. He wasn't a monster; he was just a shell of a man.

Alaric sighed and leaned back against the cushion. "Have you actually talked to Stefan?"

Surprise hit Damon like a slap to the face. Alaric knew. Of course he knew. Damon narrowed his eyes at him. How the hell did he know? Damon poked a bruising finger into his ribs. "How?"

His friend leaned away from him, scowling like it should be obvious. "For your sake, you should know that you talk in your sleep."

Damon set the drink down and closed the buttons of his shirt. Alaric didn't seem upset. He did look concerned, with the kind of sincerity that reminded Damon he didn't have to hide everything from everyone. That he couldn't.

"You weren't just better than nothing." Damon said instead of any of the protests that popped in his head.

"I know." Alaric straightened himself out. "Neither were you. We just weren't forever."

How much easier his life would be if they could have been. Damon tightened his hand into a fist and tapped it against his forehead. "What is wrong with me?" Damon unclenched and wiped his hands over his face, trying to shake off the racing feeling in his pulse.

"I'm flattered you think I would know." Alaric laughed quietly.

"You're right. I need to ask someone who has known me longer." Only one person other than Stefan really fit that description. The one person who probably had a lot of answers about beginnings. Damon closed his eyes. "Oh no."

Alaric squeezed his shoulder. "Tell that bitch to go fuck off and die for me whenever you're done." Because he really was the best friend ever. "Then go talk to your brother."

Damon sighed as he pulled out his phone. "Yep."

* * *

Elena went outside to talk to Bonnie. The guys waited around the car, ready to get out of there. Only Caroline lingered behind, catching Stefan's attention to speak with him privately.

"I know what you're doing."

He started shaking his head, ready for everyone to be gone. "You all gathered yourselves here."

"But something else was happening before that." She looked hard at his skepticism. "And now you're saying goodbye."

He hesitated. Her eyes were guarded, but he saw startling understanding behind them. He barely tipped his chin, as much admission as he could manage.

"I remember that look on my dad's face. When he told us he was leaving to be with Steven."

"Caroline, I don't…"

"I can smell him on you." Her accusation was harsh, but quiet. She may have had ideas about what was going on between Stefan and Damon, but she wasn't going to say them outright.

His stomach dropped but he didn't look away. "He's my brother." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw outside where Elena and Bonnie were talking about something with very serious faces.

"And she's my best friend." She hissed in disbelief. "If you're ending things with her now, when things can actually be good between you, it is not because you and Damon are just brothers."


	37. Children of the Wild Ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For old time's sake, he lowered his voice, trying for something more seductive that she used to pretend worked for her. "You're not going to invite me in?"

And we all know how to fake it baby  
And we all know what we've done  
We must be killers  
Children of the wild ones  
[We Must Be Killers – Mikky Ekko](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq5ep6gPKDY&index=37&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

"Well, what do we have here?" The devil herself stood in the doorway, dazzling with long dark waves and a tiny black dress.

"Hello, Katherine." The corner of Damon's lip twitched up.

She tilted her head, looking him over. He almost didn't notice her sliding partially behind the door, out of arm's reach from the threshold. "You wanted to talk?"

He stepped forward to push the door open, but an invisible barrier stopped him.

"You're living here with someone?" His eyes darted around. He didn't take roommates into account.

She winked. "Can't have you wandering in uninvited whenever you want, now can I?"

For old time's sake, he lowered his voice, trying for something more seductive that she used to pretend worked for her. "You're not going to invite me in?"

Dark laughter in her eyes glittered. She didn't budge from behind the door. "I told you where I was when you called. I think that's close enough."

The game was lost on them both. The lifetimes he wasted pining for her—chasing the feelings she awoke inside him—were almost a distant memory. It took a second for Damon to remember she hadn't come back through town to bug them in a while. Like she was avoiding them on purpose. She took up residence so close to Mystic Falls for some reason though...

Realization suddenly dawned on him. "Did you come to my house and fuck with my dreams?" The question sounded more impressed than he intended. He tried stepping forward again, his hand brushing against the doorframe.

"Oh please, like that's fun anymore." She raised one shoulder in half of a shrug and made to close the door.

"Katherine!"

She stopped and turned back around. She looked exasperated more than anything. "I didn't paint any pictures for you. You can't hold whatever Dream-Katherine did to you against me."

Damon leveled his stare.

Katherine smiled, gesturing one hand around vaguely. "You two were being ridiculous. I may have poked around to clear some denial away so you could remember the plot once you woke up." She paused, examining him. "Something happen?"

He closed his eyes, exhaling slowly. "Of course something happened."

She perked up, immensely more interested. "Well why didn't you start with that? Finally!" She flung the door wide. "I'll get the lady of the house to invite you."

* * *

Stefan leaned against the doorframe as everyone started leaving. Caroline gave Elena a hug before getting in the car. Elena waved as her friends left before coming back into the house. Her usual smile seemed uneasy, and she looked wistfully at the car driving away.

He took her hand and she followed him to the couch. The sat together, an unusual weight between them. Her presence beside him on the couch made him remember Damon walking in on them. How he stumbled inside only to end up beside Stefan. Sprawling out across the furniture together. The first crack in his wall that made Stefan think he could really have his brother back. Elena would never fill the need he had for Damon. Stefan didn't think the end would come so soon, but the letting her go seemed to be the only thing fair for her.

He regretted the worried look on her face. "Is everything okay?"

She had that sad small crease in between her eyebrows when she looked up at him. "They think you're going somewhere. But you wouldn't leave without telling me, right?"

"No, I'm not going anywhere." He grimaced, realizing that may not be true, "Not yet."

She nervously ran her fingers through the ends of her hair. "Does it have something to do with whatever happened last night with Damon?"

Stefan tried to clear the tightness out of his throat. "It has to do with me."

* * *

"Did you finally get what you wanted?"

"It's not like that." Damon had a new drink in his hands. Some supermarket whiskey that was barely aged. At least it gave him something to look at instead of her smug delighted face.

"Why not? Little brother turned you away so only his morality could keep him warm?" Katherine sneered, tired of Stefan's perfect boy act as anyone.

He could still feel Stefan's hands running over his chest, could still taste him when he licked his lips. No, Stefan hadn't been turning him away. Damon frowned at the ground, not wanting to look her in the eye. "Not exactly."

She cocked one eyebrow. "Oh?"

Damon set the glass down on the table in front of them.

"Ah, ah, coasters."

Blithely, he ignored her and slumped back. "It went too far. I don't want to be the reason he hates himself anymore."

"Interesting. And here I thought you just wanted to stick it to your brother. Something for fun to ruin the one person who actually cares about you." After moving the glass she looked thoughtful for a minute, a dark gleam in her eyes. "But you really do love him."

* * *

"What is this hold Damon has over you? You were so sweet the first time we met."

Stefan shook his head. He could hardly remember what seemed like a lifetime ago in someone else's life. "He showed up almost right away. You barely knew me when he came back into my life."

"I still remember thinking something was different with him around." Elena pushed her hair back. "The way you would stare at him when you would talk to me. Like you had these silent conversations that were completely different than what you were saying out loud. I thought it was anger, but then he was always around."

"I was angry at him. We were angry at each other for a very long time." She was the one that broke down those walls between them. Ultimately, it was Elena who made Damon come home in the first place. Stefan leaned back against the couch, wishing he had a drink in his hand. He didn't want to leave whatever strange dimension they had fallen into that finally allowed them to have this conversation.

"Even after everything he had done, you never did anything to make him leave. Not really. You say you have all this control over him, but he looks sideways at you, and you go running after him."

Frustration started clawing under Stefan's skin. "Would you have preferred if I killed him? I thought you were friends."

"We are. I don't want you to kill him. I learned to care about him too. Because you did. But you and I were going to be epic. Remember?" She curled her hands around her knees. "When he showed up, he changed everything."

* * *

"Someone had to make sure he was protected. From our father. From you. From himself." Damon looked at Katherine and scowled. "Of course I care about him."

She swatted his arm as if she were admonishing a child. "I don't mean caring about him. Everyone knows that. But I know how severely in love you are with him."

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "But Stefan was just confused, right?"

"So he let you know he wanted you too?"

"He didn't exactly say that." He dropped his hand. He flexed his fingers, eyes catching on his ring. Stefan said his feelings changed but he couldn't have a normal life with Damon, he said he wanted to try but he said _ElenaElenaElena_ … Damon sighed. The space Damon left every time he walked away was constantly taken up by that damn girl.

Katherine smiled softly as she leaned against the armrest. "He didn't say ' _no_ '. Ask most siblings, even with the questionable morality of vampires and you'd be hard pressed to find a pair who would remotely hesitate before rejecting their brother's advances. He should have killed you." She patted her hands on her lap, looking at him expectantly.

Damon relented and lay down, spreading out on the couch till his head was on her thigh and he was looking up at the ceiling. He was in love with Stefan. The _wanthotneedyesplease_ thumped around inside filling out his edges. It didn't feel wrong anymore. But she wasn't going to be the first person that heard him say it out loud.

She ran her fingers along his hairline. "You've always loved him. And he loved you too." She had finished asking questions. All she had left were facts.

"I don't know if it's the same thing. If he's trying to do what he thinks I want?" He closed his eyes, letting the soft touch attempt to soothe him. "I don't know."

"That doesn't matter." She started scratching her nails lightly along his scalp. "You love him regardless of how he feels about you."

"Maybe." He covered his face with both his hands and groaned. "But it wasn't like this when we were human."

"When you were human?" She laughed with a cruel hint of distain. "Before me, you spent almost every night in each other's beds. Then I came along and Papa Salvatore graciously invited me in. Until your father suspected what I was, he encouraged me to come between you. He was grateful; he thought he didn't have to worry about your philandering proclivities endangering his reputation anymore." She traced a finger around his ring. "You two grew up because of me."

Damon opened his hands shaking off her touch. "Which means we grew apart because of you."

"Your father thought you needed the motivation." She replied dryly, like they didn't both know she was behind every calculated deception for her own personal amusements.

"Giuseppe was a bastard. We were just brothers then. Neither of us liked sleeping alone. It was never more complicated than that."

Katherine raised one delicate shoulder, looking indifferent. "It didn't have time to be."

Damon sat up. Her comfort was cold and not all that comforting. "That's what I needed to know. I mean, I know my flawed reasons, and I know how Stefan ended up in this life. But why did we have enough blood in us when you were taken?" He turned so he could look at her. "Why did you plan to turn us both?"

She sighed. Her legs folded underneath her. She picked up the glass of whisky off the table and took a sip before putting it back in Damon's hands.

"That struggling ember between you two couldn't really mature into anything useable before you died. But it sparked because I offered the opportunity. You started calling on me whenever I left his room. Every time and only after." Her eyes narrowed again. "I think you liked his smell on me. You weren't there yet but you were getting there. And Stefan, well…" She shook her head and looked away.


	38. This is the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tear fell down Elena's cheek. "He doesn't deserve how much faith you have in him."

_This is the night_  
_That either makes me or fordoes me quite._  
[Othello ACT V Scene 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Rrh8HoHMy8&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=38)

* * *

They had spent as much time protecting Elena as they had saving each other. It was no wonder they became so dependent on each other. It had been a welcome surprise that they made such a good team.

One Stefan had no plans on giving up. His brother would be the one to help Stefan feed without losing everything. Stefan would be the one to help Damon release his demons that kept him from feeling any peace. Their growing reliance on each other was addictive. Maybe they needed each other too much to become anything other than inevitable.

A tear fell down Elena's cheek. "He doesn't deserve how much faith you have in him."

"I don't think I deserve how much faith you have in me." He leaned in, brushing his lips against her temple.

She curled against him, resting her head on his shoulder. "I can't talk about this anymore. You can be a good person. Maybe he could be, but then he wouldn't be doing this to you."

Stefan wasn't a good person. He was a vampire who wanted to tear things apart most of the time, and was willing to settle for drinking them to dust for the rest. His penchant of starving himself to nothing for the sake of being human, of belonging to a group of people he would always remain an outsider to, was a tumultuous facade. No, good people weren't in love with their big brothers. Not the way Stefan was desperately in love with Damon.

Elena scooted closer, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Can we go lay down in your bed. Please, can you just hold me?"

Stefan stood up, taking her hand in his. He knew Damon would be home soon enough, but the devastating look on her face broke his heart. "Okay. For a little while."

* * *

Katherine's head swiveled back towards Damon. "Stefan was so much easier to read. The way his heart beat faster when he saw you or how his eyes would follow you across the room. He didn't want anything as much as he wanted you but he didn't know how to ask. Such a shame. Well, for me." She winked at him and he glared. "When he turned, he should have found me immediately. Instead he went to you to join him."

"He thought you were dead. We both did. He needed me." Damon lost himself in that memory, a different dead girl between them. The first disgusting swallow of blood, and the way it sang through his body on the second.

"No," she laughed, "That sweet boy needed someone who actually knew how to guide him through this life. But his want burned too brightly for anyone to compete with you." She rolled her eyes at him. "Neither of you would have gone too far without each other. I planned on being with you both so we could work up to the three of us. Together forever, no rules, remember?" A coy smile flashed and disappeared in an instant. "But you would never let me call him in once we got started. I thought it was because you loved me too much, or because you knew he didn't. You were protective, even then. But not remotely innocent."

Damon swallowed the rest of his drink. It didn't go down easily.

"He would have gone on happy sharing me as long as it was with you. But you were much more devious." She took the empty glass out of his hand. "You know, I thought it was perverse talk so you could get it up the first time you wanted me to describe how he behaved in bed. I figured you out when you asked me what he felt like inside me."

"I don't remember any of that." An invisible vice squeezed from inside, locking the air in his lungs. He remembered watching helplessly as his little brother started looking less like a boy and more like a man. He remembered how Stefan's cheek rubbing against his chest when they slept made him feel important. He remembered the way Katherine's teeth glinting in the moonlight made him feel dangerous. But he didn't know what it meant back then. He realized now why breaking a few rules had been so enticing. "Why did I not figure all this out sooner?"

Katherine had that smug expression back and Damon looked away. "You turn off and ignore the things you don't understand. Drink it down, kill it. You've never worked through an emotion in your entire undead life. People feel things for a reason, Damon." She put one finger on his chin to tip his scowling face back towards hers. "You got rid of Lexi, and Zach, and anyone else who saw what you didn't. Ric knows, but you kept him because he let you keep lying to yourself. And whatever other reasons you needed." She smiled something vicious, pretending she was clever. "The worst of it is you don't even have Stefan now. You threw him away the second you let him convince you to turn. So you both suffered alone, and he had to find someone else because before Elena you never gave him the option."

Damon jerked his head away. She leaned forward, threatening him with that wicked smile that made the balls of mere mortals crawl inside their bodies and hide. Once upon a time, Damon was one of those men. Now that alarm felt more like a tired old joke. He stood up quickly, done with all her fucking talking. He scraped together whatever answers he was ever going to get from her.

"You don't like that either, do you?" She stood up behind him and he hated the arrogance in her voice. The fucking life he wasted chasing her. Thinking about her made him sick sometimes. "Maybe you do just want to fuck him over instead of letting him be happy." Her hand tightened over his shoulder, and his whole body froze under her grip. "You're a selfish, greedy little boy who never wants to share his favorite toy. But your toy has a mind of his own. And he loves her now."

He turned around, shaking off her hand fast enough to step away. Katherine and her fucking insights. Damon wanted to slam her against the wall; even as he briefly worried he dreamed their conversation. He'd heard her whisper that phrase in his ear so many nights. It had never sounded so sad in his sleep. For a split second Damon thought she felt bad for him. But she was examining her fingernails to avoid his eyes and he realized she only pitied herself.

So her feelings for his brother still lingered as well. She wouldn't be able to endure seeing them if Stefan chose Damon in the end. Maybe the real reason she didn't push them together the first time she came back was because she knew there would be no room for her between them. He still wanted to kill her.

"You're done, aren't you?"

She looked up at him mind still far away. "With what?"

Torturing him, betraying him, leading him on, pursuing his brother when Stefan didn't belong to her, the list was endless. "All of it."

It hadn't really been a question. Her chapter in his life felt finished.

With a bored eye roll, she shrugged. "I've been looking for a new place." She looked around her living room. "Fur coats and vodka are calling my name." She smiled ruefully. "Don't say goodbye just yet, Damon."

Death wasn't the worse fate for her. Katherine reminded Damon of what it had been like to be lonely. That he wasn't anymore. Maybe their paths would cross again, but her games didn't seem enticing anymore. The sudden gratitude he felt hit him in a burst. "No, not goodbye." He grabbed her jaw and kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

He was walking out the door a second later.


	39. Blood In My Veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You keep saying that. I don't understand you guys at all. How can you stand by him with so much conviction? You're so different."

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand  
Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am  
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again  
You can tell me how vile I already know that I am  
I'll grow old, start acting my age  
It'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate  
[The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot – Brand New](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhH--XPklR8&index=39&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

"I was really worried when you left last night." Elena said softly as she curled over Stefan on top of the blankets of his bed.

"I'm sorry I worried you." Stefan replied, wrapping an arm around her back.

"Not just you. Damon too. Bonnie was so furious." She sniffed softly and tucked her face against his side.

Bonnie may have had a point. But Damon really wasn't that monster they all expected. "Damon took it too far, but he didn't kill her. He did the right thing."

"You keep saying that. I don't understand you guys at all. How can you stand by him with so much conviction? You're so different." She sighed and sat up straighter.

No. Stefan thought. No, they weren't different at all. That was what Damon had been trying to tell him all along. Stefan wasn't the good brother. And Damon wasn't the bad one.

She leaned back and he let his arm slip down to her waist. She pulled her hair around her neck. With another sniff, she reached for a tissue from a box by the bed. It took a minute for Stefan to notice she was staring at something.

"What's wrong?"

Elena turned back to him, looking puzzled. "There's nothing on your side table."

"What do you mean?" Stefan looked over her shoulder. There wasn't anything there, but he didn't know why that could be significant.

"Whenever I stayed over, you usually had a couple books, pens, random stuff there." She looked around the room then, confusion growing. "Your room looks half empty with nothing on the floor."

Stefan only then remembered a recent journal and his favorite guitar; a week worth of clothes, and the book he'd been reading were all in Damon's room. He hadn't noticed anything looked different. To be fair, he hadn't been in his own room in weeks for any longer than it took to shower or dress. He hadn't been sleeping in his own bed so there hadn't been a chance to collect anything on the table. It had all slowly moved to his brother's side table… Like he'd, _oh_ , like he moved in.

"I cleaned up. I do that." Stefan frowned slightly at the floor, feeling the weakness of the excuse. He was too startled by the realization.

"I've never seen it look like this." Elena phrased it like a question, but it wasn't exactly something Stefan could answer. "It's like you checked out."

Stefan felt his stomach clench again. "It's not a big deal." He moved his arm from her waist to her shoulders and pulled her back. The mattress frame squeaked softly as they settled into the bed. "I'll mess it up again in no time."

She smiled and stretched over him again. "Cleaning is a nice habit, I guess. Will certainly make our lives more organized in the future." She exhaled and closed her eyes with her head against him.

Stefan's eyes widened and he looked down at her. They didn't talk a lot about their future, especially not recently. He wasn't sure how to respond.

Turned out, it didn't matter what he said. Elena fell asleep almost immediately. Stefan was starting to get a complex. Maybe there was something about him that made everyone he loved exhausted. How easy it was for them to waste away the time sleeping while draped all over him and leave him to worry about the implications.

Caroline had been right. The end would come that night. The things Stefan wanted weren't so sweet and uncomplicated anymore. Damon and Stefan may have had a lot in common, but compared to Elena, Damon was so different in every way.

It wouldn't be easy. His cocky older brother, his worst best friend, the biggest pain in his ass. The one who knew every fucked up thing Stefan ever did and shrugged his shoulders and helped him clean up the mess.

Damon was the one who... Damon was just the one.

Maybe easy was overrated.

* * *

Damon dragged himself inside, desperate for sleep. He hadn't pushed himself to the point of utter exhaustion in months. Since before Stefan started waiting for him in his bed.

He wanted that back. Whatever it took, whatever he had to settle for, he wanted the closeness of his brother against him. If Stefan loved him once, and wanted to explore those feelings with him again, Damon would turn himself inside out for the chance to make it work.

The house was quiet, the kids gone. He expected Stefan to be there, looking hopeful and uneasy until Damon slid in next to him like usual. Instead he found his own bed empty. It took one deep breath to scent Elena on the other side of Stefan's closed door.

Damon wondered if he could barge in. If they'd all still believe it was a prank. Imagining Stefan's knowing eyes and the potential for Elena to get the reassurances instead of Damon made him ill.

He put one hand against the door, listening intently for sounds that matched the images of their bare bodies moving together flashing in his mind, but there were none. Just her steady heartbeat and quiet breathing. Damon backed away from the door. Somehow, sleeping together was worse than if he heard them having sex.

She could give him things sexually that Damon couldn't. He could let that go, sort of, mostly, probably. Well, he'd get over it eventually. But literally sleeping together, making each other feel safe and comfortable, was all Damon could offer. And she was taking his place instead.

The quiet did nothing to quell the white noise of his anxious thoughts. He was too late. Stefan was choosing who got his comfort, and he was choosing her. Damon was left in the cold dark hallway, alone.

He shuffled back to his room. He couldn't bother undressing past kicking off his shoes. His chest hurt. His eyelids felt so heavy. The time had come to turn shit off. It didn't matter if Katherine was right, Damon couldn't handle this pain. He was so tired of caring. He was just so _tired_. The morning then. That would be when he'd turn all the feelings off, drink and kill and ignore everything he hated. His nightmares could have him. For one more night, he fell into his bed and slept.

* * *

Stefan lay in bed with his eyes wide open. It took a few minutes after his brother closed the front door for Stefan to realize Damon wouldn't come in and remove Elena for him.

Her warmth used to comfort him, but now she seemed too soft, fragile as the lamps in the house. He was uncomfortable by how her body against him was pliant instead of firm, molding to him instead of resisting. Stefan missed the sharp angles digging into him.

He missed how everything about Damon dug into him, burrowing under his skin and searing into his heart like a fever he couldn't shake. He loved Damon, and he was in bed with someone else because he thought denying his reality, and reducing himself to someone normal was a punishment he deserved.

Stupid fucking moron.

Damon grunted and thrashed down the hall and Stefan realized the messages he was sending were tearing them all apart.

He picked up Elena's arm from his chest, marveling at how tiny it looked in his hand. He gently kissed her wrist and her eyes fluttered open.

Stefan swallowed hard, amazed at how the smell of her blood under the surface didn't compare to the overwhelming taste he still had for his brother's.

Her gaze fell as he started rubbing her back. "I need to get you home."

* * *

Damon lurched against bed, eyes mostly closed. One foot hit the floor.

" _Mine."_

* * *

Elena's sleepiness seemed to be replaced by a wary hush. She hadn't said anything the whole drive home, but kept peeking at him from the side. When they arrived, she sat back and finally looked at him. It was the middle of the night, so the house was dark and quiet. Stefan wondered if Elena still felt at home there, with almost her whole family gone. She could start over; bring her brother home if Stefan wasn't such a constant presence in her life. The condolence was thin even as Stefan tried to reason it to himself.

"Do you want to come in?" she tried, a worried look on her face like she didn't know what she'd do if he took her up on the offer.

"Elena." How Stefan wished he could communicate everything to her in one word. But they hadn't communicated that easily in a long time. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Now was as good a time as any. "I don't think I should be coming in anymore."

She blinked up at him. "What does that mean?"

He tried to clear his throat. "I need to let you go."

"You're breaking up with me?" She looked incredulous. As if she didn't notice Stefan had been pulling away for months.

In a different life, she could have been his true love. Hell, under barely different circumstances, she could have been Damon's. There was nothing about her that was wrong; she just wasn't the one he needed.

"Elena, I haven't been any kind of good boyfriend to you. I don't want you to be scared because of me anymore. You deserve so much better."

"Shouldn't I have a say in this? I don't think there's anything wrong with us." Her gaze bore a hole into the side of his head as he stared straight ahead.

"I'm not being fair to you. There are so many things about this life, my life, which would horrify you. There are things I want that I'm not sure I can talk about with you."

"More secrets?" She sighed. Leaning her head back against the headrest with her eyes closed, like the words were too hard to say face to face. "Well, maybe you're right. You know I wondered. You used to take a drop of my blood almost every day. It's been so long, I worried you were stealing from blood banks or something." Her forehead wrinkled and she looked back at him. "But Ric said Damon was with you when he stopped coming over. Is that it? Did Damon convince you to feed from someone new?"

Stefan fell silent as he figured out how to answer. "No, there's no one new." He was an asshole. But he knew Elena wouldn't understand his relationship with his brother. Especially since he was only beginning to.

"But, he does have something to do with this." She wasn't asking a question, but it was still a guess from the look on her face. "You spent months pushing me out of the house whenever he came home like you were trying to keep us from crossing paths. I thought you were keeping me from him, but you weren't really trying to protect me."

Going down that road, trying to answer the question she wasn't asking wasn't a risk he wasn't quite willing to take yet. Instead, he frowned down at his hands. "Tell me how you'd really feel if I started feeding from live people." He knew decades could pass before he'd be able to master that, but she needed to understand the reality of his situation was not that different from Damon's.

"I don't know." Elena avoided his eyes again. "I could be okay with it."

It was a sweet lie, but a pointless one. She'd been explicitly clear where she stood on the matter. Speaking of that potential future was too vague, so Stefan tried again. "What if I've already started?"

"Okay, I don't like it. But, I love you, Stefan." Tears started welling in her eyes and she looked up, maybe hoping they wouldn't fall if she weren't looking at him. She sniffed softly and opened the door.

He didn't say anything. He wasn't sure he could get the words out without feeling like he was betraying Damon.

She grabbed her bag and dragged it behind her as she got out of the car. A few paces away she turned around, eyes wet. The second person Stefan brought to tears that night.

"I know Damon has gotten in your head somehow. Whatever happened last night? It doesn't have to matter. We can work through it."

Stefan exhaled slowly as he shook his head. Damon was more important than his relationship with Elena. More important than his relationship with anyone. It was time to give his brother his undivided attention, and hope for the same in return.

She chewed her lip, hesitating after taking two more steps. "We've broken up before. Do you think we'll find each other again?" She asked so quietly he barely heard her.

His lungs burned at the hope in her voice. If they did, he hoped it wasn't in his life. Maybe in the next one, when Damon wasn't the driving force to all his decisions. Stefan whispered, "I don't know. This time feels different."

Looking away while blinking rapidly, she failed to choke a sob back. "I don't think I can talk to you for a while. But we'll be friends, right?" She tried to smile, but the tears started spilling over.

"Always," he insisted, letting his head tip forward in agreement.

Being unable to tell her he still loved her didn't mean the feeling wasn't there. He loved things about her. He loved the way she inspired him to be a better man. But that would never be enough. Maybe it was about making peace with the man he already was.

Only one person made him feel that way. The one waiting for him to come home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Finally**


	40. Sigh No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The silence rattled through him. Where the hell was Damon?

Love; it will not betray you  
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free  
Be more like the man you were made to be  
[Sigh No More – Mumford & Sons](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DA3fNvbZoBM&index=40&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

The front door was wide open when Stefan got home. He parked quickly by the side of the house and ran inside. Everything was eerily still and quiet. Nothing seemed out of place except the door. Stefan went to check the bedrooms, a blur down every hallway. There wasn't anything that stood out there either. All the rooms were empty.

The silence rattled through him. Where the hell was Damon?

He went back to the front door, looking across the front yard. It took a minute to search through the shadows and settle on the distant silhouette of his brother.

Was he leaving after all? Stefan stepped off the porch, only then noticing Damon barely moving forward. He was still dressed except for his shoes. Stefan rushed to his side. The distant stare through half lidded eyes was barely familiar. He was so used to Damon's nightmares, he almost forgot that sleepwalking was what started the whole thing.

There were bridges crossed, and there were bridges burnt to the ground. Stefan spent so much of his life trying to save his own skin because his willpower had always bent towards Damon's influence. Damon could have whatever he wanted, because Stefan had wanted it first. Wanted Damon before he could name the feeling inside. Stefan stood directly in front of his sleeping brother and put a hand on his cheek. Immediately Damon stilled, the unease on his face clearing.

He took a moment to let the rush of knowing exactly what he had flood through him. Elena was gone. Everything he wanted stood in front of him. "Come back," He whispered. "Come back to me."

Stefan closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to Damon's.

* * *

Shadows flickered, swirling in on themselves, swallowing the place Stefan stood. Damon tried to run. His legs dragged like they were encased in cement and buried in sand. Her laughter disappeared, but no sound came out when Damon screamed his brother's name.

He panted, the thickness of shadows filling his lungs. Stefan was gone. The darkness closed in on him as he squeezed his eyes shut, unable to tell the difference. It was over. He was on his own.

A weight slipped around his shoulders and something like fingers trailed up his neck.

"Hello, brother."

Damon's eyes flew open. There Stefan stood like a bright radiating light against the deep velvety darkness around them.

"Stefan?" The name slipped out as clearly as he saw his brother in front of him. "What—?"

"It's time to wake up." Stefan smiled softly at him.

"No." Damon gasped, too scared to touch Stefan in case he fell away again. "You'll be gone out there."

The solid darkness was starting to blur and fade into something lighter around the edges. Stefan stepped forward, pressing his hand over Damon's heart. "I'm not going anywhere. Just open your eyes."

The dark started fading, slowly revealing veiled streetlights and grass beneath their feet, the dark house behind them. Damon's heartbeat was wild and erratic, beating against Stefan's palm. Damon could actually feel Stefan's hand on him and tentatively put his hand on Stefan's shoulder.

"I'm still dreaming?" Damon stared at Stefan's arm, reaching out to rub his fingers down his brother's chest. He didn't trust what he saw. "Tell me something real." His hands scraped desperately along Stefan's shoulders.

With a small sigh, Stefan took Damon's hand. "You are the worst and the best parts of me. I've wanted you my whole life with this fucking unrelenting hope that I've had to hold back until it strangled me that one day you would stop looking at me without that disdain in your eyes." He brought Damon's hand up to his mouth and pressed it to his lips. "And then you did, and my entire world rocked in a way I couldn't hope to expect."

"I don't hate you, Stefan." Damon sighed. "I lo—,"

"Wait." Stefan said suddenly, stepping away. He tightened his grip on Damon's hand. "Not here. Open your eyes, so we can do this right."

* * *

The lights on the street and the porch behind them were suddenly brighter than the shadowed blurs of the dream. Met by the stars in the sky and noise of the trees rustling and bugs making the usual noise of night. Damon blinked a few times before rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.

He wet his lips, surprised by the taste of his brother that was only beginning to be familiar.

Stefan wiped at his own mouth. "Hey there, sleeping beauty." He wrapped his hand around Damon's neck and pulled him close till their heads bumped together.

"I'm in love with you, Stefan." Damon put his hands around Stefan's hips to keep them from shaking, slipping beneath the fabric of his shirt to brush over the bare skin of his back. If he never got another chance, if Stefan was going to push him away, this would be his final act before he turned it all off.

Their heads were so close, his vision was filled with Stefan's eyes, but he couldn't read what was happening behind them.

Turns out he didn't have to.

Stefan tilted his head enough for their lips to meet. It wasn't the hard hungry crash together like every other kiss they'd shared. It wasn't soft like a girl's lips. It wasn't searching like a new relationship. It was familiar, like kissing a brother, or a best friend. It was Stefan. The one who used to look at him like he was someone vital. Who didn't care about his arrogant exterior because Stefan not only knew what was hiding beneath it, but also wrapped around him at night and held him close. Like he might not just want to fool around with Damon, but like he might actually—

"I've always loved you." Stefan whispered softly, lips catch-dragging against Damon's. "So fucking in love with you, feels like my whole damn life." Their breath shunted against each other as Damon scrabbled for a firmer grip.

Stefan buried his fingers in Damon's hair, pulling him closer.


	41. A Place Where I Don't Feel Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damon thought he knew what that meant, but he'd been wrong before. "It's you and me?" (slightly nsfw banner art)

There is a house built out of stone  
Wooden floors, walls and windowsills  
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust  
This is a place where I don't feel alone  
[To Build a Home – Patrick Watson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjjc59FgUpg&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=41)

* * *

 

"Inside." Damon managed to mutter, forcing Stefan to walk backwards since he wouldn't let go.

Stefan tried to nod, still sucking Damon's lip into his mouth.

Damon pulled back, his bottom lip catching in between Stefan's teeth. "Elena?"

"She's gone." Stefan shook his head, pulling Damon inside by his waist.

They crossed the front door and Damon kicked it closed behind them. They parted to take in a deeper breath, Damon touching the bruise forming and disappearing on his lip. "How long?"

Stefan shrugged, still staring at Damon's mouth, looking hungrier than ever. Everything about him looked hungry actually. His eyes were dark, and his hands were clenching the fabric of Damon's shirt at his waist. Damon thought he knew what that meant, but he'd been wrong before. "It's you and me?"

Eyes narrowing, Stefan pulled Damon closer, warm lips brushing against Damon's cheek. "You and me."

The buzzing under his skin got louder and he felt a hitch in his chest. "What the hell does that mean?"

With an exasperated sigh, Stefan gripped Damon's wrist pulling him out of the foyer and into the living room. Damon stumbled behind him, crashing down onto the nearest sofa. Watching wide-eyed as Stefan sat on his legs, locking him down in place between his thighs.

"Look, we've barely done anything together. A few kisses," he put his fingers over Damon's mouth before he could protest, "one incredible blow job that I can't stop thinking about, but almost nothing." He dropped his hand to Damon's shoulder giving him a chance to speak.

As if that was all this had been about. Stefan had to know Damon better than that. He glared up, imploring. "It's not about the sex."

Damon's hands were twitching, curling over Stefan's hip. His dick was heavy, pressing against his pants in protest. The dirty traitor waited till now to get involved? Okay, it was a little bit about the sex.

With a dopy smile, Stefan nodded. "I know. It's the nights in your bed, and the late morning breakfasts. Arguing over Bela Lugosi versus Vincent Price movies and a shared interest in vintage bourbon and destroying anyone that comes up against us. And maybe the blood." He smirked, shifting his weight to his knees so his body leaned up, teasing the hard line under his pants against Damon's stomach. "It's you. And it's me."

Damon smiled in amazement, wide eyes darting back and forth between Stefan's. "Yeah, it is." The easy open look on Stefan's face finally felt like an exclusive invitation for Damon. Warmth surged through his chest as he pushed Stefan off so they could stand. He circled his arms around Stefan's waist and held onto him. His cheeks hurt after a moment, and he realized he was smiling too wide, manic maybe, but it was hidden in the crook of Stefan's neck. Stefan's arms were around his back keeping him in place.

He sighed deeply, letting the scent of his brother soak into him. But there was another scent, of her, of their night with other people lingering on the surface of both of them. He pulled away, finally looking Stefan in the eyes.

"I need to take a shower. To be clean for you. Will you," he choked over the words and his brother's soft understanding. "Will you meet me in our bed?"

With a shy tilt to his mouth, Stefan nodded.

* * *

Damon stood under the water, heart beating erratically. He needed to slow down, to sort out the rush of emotions he couldn't keep tabs on before they made him explode. He got so lost in his head—his aching fear of everything changing before he could do anything about it—he didn't hear the door open.

He didn't look up until he felt the warm damp air escape as his brother stepped into the shower with him.

After standing there a moment, not turning around, he wasn't sure what he wanted to see on Stefan's face. He exhaled slowly as he Stefan's arm slide around his chest. His brother held him there, head resting on his back.

Damon's anxiety slowed down as he let the silent reassurance settle his mind. The warm water took away everything but the scent of clean skin. There was only the two of them. Not pushing, not taking, just the steady comfort of what it must be like to have someone who loved him stand beside him. Damon's regained his grasp on clarity by the time he shifted under Stefan's hold.

"Thank you." Damon finally said, hand falling over Stefan's on his chest.

Damon kept his fingers threaded in Stefan's and turned slowly. The sight of the young man naked and wet had its own appeals. He smiled, looking Stefan over.

Stefan tipped his head and huffed a small laugh. "Are you checking me out?"

"Like you didn't the last time we showered together."

With a small smirk, Stefan stepped closer, mirroring the movement from two days before, placing his hands on the wall framing Damon's head. He stared at Damon's mouth before flicking back up to Damon's eyes. There was no more room for teasing. Damon wrapped his hands around Stefan's neck and pulled their lips together.

Stefan met his kiss with a groan that Damon felt tremble low in his belly. Stefan's hands came off the wall and stroked over Damon's slick torso. With a hold on Damon's shoulders, he pushed Damon back against the wall. His eyes trailed the water sluicing over him, whatever path it made.

Damon stood there, never more content to show his body. His skin was hottest where Stefan's hands were on his chest, pressing against his heart as it started picking up its pace again. He knew Stefan had seen him naked before, but it had been clinical, passing, something only brothers got away with. Stefan had never examined him so closely with that fierce hunger in his eyes. Damon looked over his little brother the same way. He'd had a taste of that body, caught a glimpse of whatever it was holding them together. It would never be innocent looks again.

Damon pulled Stefan close. His hand trailed down between their stomachs. "Looks like parts of you are taking an interest in things."

Stefan smiled, adjusting his hips giving Damon's hand room to touch. "It's still more than parts." Stefan's mouth dragged over Damon's shoulder, letting the water collect in his mouth and spill out again as he moved over Damon's chest. His lips felt hot and shocking under the water. Stefan's knee wedged between Damon's legs, holding him up and moving their bodies so their slick hardness glided together. It felt almost too good, and a dark thought cut through the lust-filled fog in Damon's head.

"How do I know this is real?" Damon whispered, thrusting his hips forward. He held onto Stefan's waist pressing skin to skin from chest to thigh. "I could still be dreaming."

Cautiously, Stefan pulled his lips away slow enough for Damon to understand he wasn't going anywhere. "Do you want to slow down? Until you see the difference?"

Shaking his head, Damon scraped his hands through his hair, trying to believe Stefan's patience. "It's a good enough dream for now."

Biting his lip, Stefan straightened himself out, putting inches between them except for the hands on Damon's shoulders. "Maybe we start again in the morning. You haven't slept much lately. I want you to know that I'm here. That I'm not going anywhere. We have plenty of time."

"Do we?" Still breathing each other's damp air, Damon finally snapped. He pushed Stefan back across the confined space and slammed him against the glass door with an arm against his throat. "You're gonna walk away again when you wake up in the morning."

Banging his head back against the glass, Stefan leveled his gaze on Damon. "No." He pulled Damon's arm off his neck and wrapped it around his back instead. "We're not walking away from each other anymore. I want to be with you. I'm done trying to force myself to want anything else."

"How do I know for sure?" Damon tightened his hold on Stefan's waist, closing the distance again, sucking kisses along Stefan's jaw while he could. He didn't know if he could really believe Stefan's calm reassurance. "You're still angry, right?"

"You'll just have to see for yourself." Stefan whispered, letting Damon nip his skin. He curled his fingers into Damon's hair, holding him there. "You need some sleep, babe."

Damon felt the protests bubble up as his shoulders tensed. He didn't need someone telling him what to do. He wasn't some petulant child that needed coddling.

"Shhh." Stefan bumped their foreheads together. "Come to bed with me." He took Damon's hand tightly in his.

Of course Stefan was right. He was exhausted. Besides, he wasn't going to bed alone.


	42. Somewhere Only We Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's not all darkness." Stefan slid over, lying against Damon's side. "It's beautiful."

"Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field.  
I'll meet you there."  
[Rumi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8mtXwtapX4&index=42&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

The sunlight was back on Damon's face. The heat was muted, the light somewhere in between twilight and dawn. Damon took his jacket off and lay back in the grass with his hands behind his head.

The sun hanging on the edge of the horizon was really stunning. It felt almost perfect. But something was off. His skin was buzzing and he felt a weight pressing against him. He sat up and unbuttoned his shirt to get more comfortable.

He couldn't tell if the light was getting brighter or diming, deep violets and blues clashing against bolder oranges and reds. His eyes adapted to the half-light as he looked around.

A breeze picked up, carrying the scent of the wildflowers from the meadow past him. He saw a trail of petals floating by, but when he turned to his side to follow them, Stefan was there instead.

"Hey." Damon bumped his hand against his brother's.

"Hey." Stefan smiled softly as he brushed his fingertips along Damon's knuckles. He leaned back on his elbows and looked around. The colors above rippled softly, blending together. Stars peeked through the darkest parts of the sky, but the shimmering horizon glowed brightly. "Wow. Is the sun setting or rising?"

"Somewhere in between, I guess." Damon lay back, tugging Stefan's arm. "I'm so tired of the darkness."

"It's not all darkness." Stefan slid over, lying against Damon's side. "It's beautiful."

The soft light behind them created a hazy glow around Stefan's head. Damon tried not to think about the museums full of paintings of saints and angels with their golden halos. The saviors of the world brought down to save mankind. Damon wasn't mankind, and Stefan wasn't put on earth to save him. He thought again about the gods he didn't believe in. He didn't need them. The radiant light that pierced through his darkness was too good for stories about saints or angels.

"You're beautiful." Damon stared down at him.

Stefan dropped his head and laughed softly. "You're a lot sweeter when you're sleeping."

"You wear too many clothes for how long it took to get you out of them the first time."

Folding his hands over Damon's chest, Stefan rested his chin on top. "Can you tell the difference? Me being there when you're awake, here when you're asleep?"

Damon shrugged. "My dream either way."

"Our dream, actually."

"Oh." Damon curled his hand around the back of Stefan's neck; thumb brushing along the soft skin at the base of his head. "That's cool too."

"That's good." Stefan glanced down at Damon's exposed chest and started picking at the collar of his shirt. "Because I'm not sure how to stop at this point."

Damon reached down, shifting them around before pulling the shirt over Stefan's head. He tossed it behind them and pulled Stefan back down on top of him. They lay there in silence for what seemed like hours. The warm air caressed their skin, and they tangled around each other. It was peaceful. The sun stayed out of reach, not turning too bright or too dark as they held equal control over the shared dream.

"How did you finally get into my head? You used to work so hard for your walls."

Stefan's fingertip traced a nervous circle against Damon's stomach. After a moment, he raised his head, fingers still moving. "I stopped being scared of letting you see everything. How much I want to be here. How much I wanted you."

Damon stared up at the sky for a while, letting Stefan's words sink in. Halo or no, Stefan was still watching over him. "I like you being here."

"I don't know if it will always be like this." Stefan sighed. "Rest, brother."

"You'll stay here with me right?" Damon asked softly.

Stefan brushed his lips against Damon's neck.


	43. Here's Where We Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the fears he tried to calm came boiling back to the surface.

You've shunned the new day, won't let it in  
Here's where we begin  
I'll come running for you  
Your whole world's turned upside down  
But my love, it will keep you  
On solid ground  
[Here's Where We Begin – Joshua Radin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRJtK-aW_JI&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=43)

* * *

Stefan, for once, was not the first one awake. He slept peacefully huddled against Damon's side with an arm still spread out across Damon's chest.

Damon lay there as long as he could, far past the time they usually woke up. The weight on his chest lined up with every place Stefan's body rested on his. It was a new day with a whirlwind of differences and barely a chance to catch a breath. He pulled Stefan tighter in his arms. All the fears he tried to calm came boiling back to the surface.

It couldn't be this easy. Nothing in his entire godforsaken afterlife had ever worked out the way he wanted it, and this, the thing he wanted more than anything, there was no fucking way—

"Shut uuup."

Startled, Damon looked down at Stefan who was peeking at him through one sleepy eye.

"I didn't say anything." Damon mumbled, letting go enough for them to face each other.

"You're thinking so loud I can't sleep." Stefan stretched, only starting to open his eyes, adjusting himself as subtly as possible.

Not subtle enough.

Damon pushed the blanket off Stefan's hip and stared at Stefan's dick beneath his tight boxers as it started twitching to life. To Stefan's credit, he tried to cover himself for the five seconds he thought it was worth it before giving up.

"Is that because of me?" Damon looked incredulously at him. He reached forward, fingers skirting the cloth-covered shaft and instead moving up Stefan's abdomen.

Looking a little too proud of himself, Stefan smiled softly. "Yeah. This time."

"Stefan." Damon tried to pull away, but he hadn't had enough. His hand, his mouth, his stomach, there were only parts of him that had experienced Stefan's pleasure. He wanted more. He slid closer, brushing his thumb over Stefan's tip that already started to form a tiny wet spot. Stefan arched into his touch, eyes falling closed as he licked his lips. Damon quickly moved his hand somewhere safer before he let himself get carried away. There were things he had to deal with. "I'm trying not to freak out here."

Stefan's eyes opened and he groaned, falling back onto the mattress. "Again?"

Damon scratched a hand through his hair, slipping from Stefan's side, but Stefan put a hand on his shoulder to keep him still.

"What's wrong?"

"It's too important. I just, if this is real, and I'm really awake, I'm gonna fuck everything up again. You were never supposed to want me back..." Damon pulled himself up to a sitting position. He couldn't handle Stefan's composure. His little brother didn't understand how much this all meant to him. He put his hand along Stefan's cheek, pleading. "I've ruined everything I've ever touched, and you matter too much to me to become one of those things."

Stefan nestled into his hand. "Are you kidding me? Do you know how long I've carried this around with me? Your touch is what I've chased after from day one. If I was ruined at all, I was ruined from the start."

"I don't want to ruin you. I don't want to force you into this." Damon moved his hand, running it up and down Stefan's arm.

"Please tell me how you're the most incomprehensibly cocky bastard ninety-nine percent of the time, but you touch my fucking hard-on and suddenly have doubts about how much I want you." Stefan asked softly, hand resting over Damon's.

Damon lost his breath a little. The trickling hope inside him was so unfamiliar he felt sick. "I was going to turn it all off." He finally rasped out.

Stefan sighed and pulled the blanket over his legs to cover himself a little. Damon figured that was a decent enough barrier and followed. If they were going to sit next to each other with all that skin on display, there would be no way he could have this conversation. Stefan looked patiently at him, allowing him to explain himself.

"I came home and she was in your bed. I know. I know I fucked up with that girl, but you still love Elena. And I can't," The space between them felt like miles and he couldn't breathe in the empty space. Damon groaned and pulled Stefan's leg over his thigh, still under the blankets. He really wished he had a drink. "You still need her."

"The fuck I do." Stefan looked at him so intently Damon felt a shift in the air around them.

He wanted to smile. His brother's attempt to be assertive, to believe what he was saying was adorable. Damon really just wanted to kiss him again. But Stefan was wrong. He wiped a hand over his face.

"I can't take that away from you when she's so much better for you than I am. You deserve someone good like her. She's better, she—"

"You don't get it at all, do you?" Stefan interrupted. "Look, I'm sorry she was still here. But I said my goodbyes. You're the one that insisted she couldn't last." He pushed up on one knee, letting the blankets fall away again as he tightened his legs around Damon's hips. "Elena isn't an option anymore."

Damon sighed with his hands clutching Stefan's thighs. "Am I what's left when there are no other options?"

* * *

Stefan wanted to laugh, but he saw the serious pain in Damon's eyes and dropped his sense of incredulity. How did Damon still not know? Did he really not believe the claims he made in his sleep? Stefan settled back on his heels, still sitting on his brother's lap, but keeping a little distance between the important bits. They had agreed the night before that some sort of barrier was important if either of them were to get any actual sleep. The twin layers of tight underwear between them didn't make much of a difference. The heat of his brother's body still radiated over him. He spread his hands out flat on Damon's stomach.

There were other questions. This was as a good a time as any to diffuse his own burning concern. "That depends, I guess. Is it me, because you think no one else would want you? Or is it me, because somewhere inside, you've always known that everything I am is yours?"

Damon languished for a moment; the furious doubt cracking open and his eyes glistened. He propped himself up on his hands and leaned his forehead against Stefan's chest. Stefan scratched his fingers lightly against Damon's scalp, waiting for him to answer.

After a moment, Damon muttered against Stefan's skin, so softly he almost missed it. "A wise vampire once said, 'Real love isn't brains, it's blood. It's blood screaming at you to work its will.' And my god, how it screams, Stefan."

"Yeah." Stefan nodded, a small frown forming that his brother couldn't see. He nudged Damon's attention back up. "You've been a slave to that in ways I never was. Did you know before, why you hated everyone that loved me?"

"No." Damon kept his eyes on Stefan's, raw with honesty and sorrow.

Stefan sighed and brushed his hands down Damon's arms. As Damon grabbed onto his hands, threading their fingers together, a surge of warmth rushed through him. "It's not like I've forgotten that you took everyone away… but I don't care."

"Yes you do." Damon shot back, unrelenting. "You wouldn't be Stefan if that were true."

The corner of Stefan's mouth twitched. He missed his friend a lot, even their nephew occasionally, but they had never been around the way Damon had. He never missed them when they were alive as much as he missed Damon when they were apart. "I'm not some goddamn saint."

"Yes you are." Damon insisted. "You're the best man I know."

"You have no idea, do you? How easily I would have walked away from everybody for you." Their knuckles had turned white with how hard they were holding onto each other. Damon was the only one who knew all of Stefan's darkness. Maybe the only one who loved that part as much as the rest of him. The monster was the one thing they shared.

"Do you hate me for making you alone?" Damon swallowed roughly, looking up at him.

There were times, of course, that Stefan felt that exactly. But hindsight helped Stefan see the real problem. He never knew Damon acted out of jealousy for what anyone else had. He never thought it was because Damon wanted him. Clearly, Damon didn't know that either. They were so good at getting everything wrong. But letting the bad spots go, letting them have this was a choice, and not a difficult one to make. Stefan could never hate Damon the way he wanted to at the beginning. The anger that continued to surface was always because Stefan loved Damon more than he was supposed to.

"I'm not alone." Stefan gave the only valid answer he had. "Neither are you."

"What are we then?" Damon sighed.

Stefan couldn't help but laugh then. "Are we really having the Define the Relationship conversation already?"

With a puzzled look on his stupid beautiful face, Damon shook his head. "The _what_ conversation?"

Right. Damon was the one-night stand, eat-bang-erase, open-relationship, friends-with-benefits type. Not the get-locked-down, eternal-monogamy type.

Well, fuck that.

In a flash, Stefan pushed Damon back against the pillows with a grip on his shoulders. Damon's eyes widened, but he didn't make another move.

"Look, if we're going to change the basis of our entire relationship, we need a clean start. No girlfriends, no sexfriends, at least, not yet." He brushed his thumb over Damon's chin, settling his hand on Damon's jaw. "There's no more Elena. Ever, okay?"

"If you did that for me... " Damon trailed off, his eyes searching Stefan's.

"No. Not for you. I did it for me." He needed be free to do whatever we wanted, so this thing between them didn't have to tear anyone to pieces anymore. Stefan exhaled quietly in frustration. Stefan was completely Damon's. And Damon needed to understand that before he could ever be Stefan's in return. "I'm yours, Damon. I want to be with you."

"But I make you hate who are." Damon whispered. Worry etched deep in his face, hands scrabbling to grab onto Stefan's waist, over the curve of his ass.

With a sigh, Stefan sat straighter, adjusting his knees so his thighs lined up below the backs of Damon's arms. "No. I never should have said that. Look, I never needed any assistance in my self-loathing. It was easier to blame you. Or her. But I can't hate myself for feeling this way about you." Stefan smirked at Damon's incredulous expression. "Yes, okay, you're still an asshole."

Concerned, Damon baited him, "But?"

Stefan shook his head. " _And_. I love you."

Damon looked unconvinced. Stefan knew the feeling.

"Would it make you feel better if I said I know all about you being self-serving and self-sabotaging, but I remember that you are actually capable of being a good man?" Stefan paused a moment, and the corner of his lip twitched, "And I love you." Stefan leaned down, trailing his lips up Damon's neck. "And if we fail spectacularly at this, and you hate me again one day, I know you'll use this against me." He looked into his brother's eyes. "And I love you."

Tugging on Stefan's hips, bringing them back down to Damon's lap, he looked up at Stefan. "You make me want to be different. Better. So I don't cause you any more pain. I want you to be happy because of me."

Listening patiently, expecting there to be more, Stefan narrowed his eyes. "You think that makes you different than you were before?"

"When I promised you misery…" Damon trailed off, pain of the memory flickering in his eyes.

"You were angry. Hurt. You lied." Stefan leaned down again. He wanted to do something about all the tension building inside him. But Damon was right. They needed to get this all out before they could go back to doing something about the painful throb of his dick trapped against their stomachs. "And we both fucked up a thousand times. But we've never given up on each other for a reason. Apparently, for this reason." Unable to resist, he pressed their lips together softly.

As soon as Stefan pulled away, Damon curled his hands over Stefan's sides. His breathing caught as he shifted under Stefan's legs. His eyes were wild, a million thoughts racing across his face as he sat up. He kept his hands on Stefan's thighs, making him shiver.

"Is it real?" Damon asked quietly.

"Yeah." Stefan smiled. "As real as two vampires can be anyway." He moved off of Damon's legs and sat beside him. "How can I prove it to you?"

Damon stared thoughtfully at Stefan's neck, rubbing the pads of his fingers along the ridges and tendons along his clavicle. He looked up into Stefan's alert eyes. "The diner? We should go get some pancakes."

Stefan's throat clenched. They weren't done talking about this. Damon needed to understand that Stefan saw past the barriers his brother put between himself and anyone's expectations of him. That he'd always remembered his best friend was in there somewhere.

He was softer already, his body responding to the promise of 'later.' Not that he was looking forward to waiting any longer. "Don't you think there are more important things going on right now than breakfast?"

Damon's face fell. "Why?" He rolled to his side, propping his head up on his hand. "You going back to class today? Normal life or whatever bullshit?" With a small sigh, he dropped his arm and fell onto his back.

For all of Damon's experience of keeping a calm and unaffected demeanor, Stefan was finally close enough to see the spark of pain. The pinch of his brother's lips, the soft clearing of his throat, the way Damon refused to look at him. Stefan rolled his eyes. He hadn't even remembered it was Monday.

The sheet flew up, billowing over them. Damon tilted his head as Stefan smirked down at him. "No." Stefan combed his fingers through Damon's hair, grateful for the way his brother calmed under his hand. That Damon was just as hungry for his touch as Stefan was for Damon's. "Turns out I wasn't cut out for normal, or high school."

"There are better things." Damon said quietly, pressing his lips to Stefan's wrist. "Being a drop out isn't so bad." He stroked a finger down Stefan's chest. "There are other things I can teach you."

A tired distant alarm clanged in Stefan's head, but he was too caught up in his brother's soft eyes to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I use a version of this banner art as my desktop wallpaper and I regret nothing.


	44. People You've Been Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So fucking mad this chapter posted before it was supposed to. Hopefully not too many people caught it before reading chapter 40.

Drink up with me now And forget all about  
The pressure of days Do what I say  
And I'll make you okay And drive them away  
The images stuck in your head  
[Between the Bars – Elliott Smith](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHLT5Ilvpho&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=44)

* * *

They slid into opposite sides of their regular booth in the back.

Damon drummed his fingers on the menu, pretending to look it over, occasionally glancing up at Stefan with a small smile. The heaviness that weighed on him seemed to have evaporated with the daylight.

"What?" Stefan finally sighed when he had enough.

After a moment, Damon pushed the menu to the side and looked up, unable to hide his amusement. "When are we going to talk about the real elephant here?"

Usually after any sort of emotional heart to heart, they tended to avoid each other for a while. The fact that his brother wanted to talk at all was a miracle. The public place however, seemed ill-advised. "Talk about what part, exactly?"

Damon winked, cheeky and teasing. "My ability to turn straight men queer, obviously."

With a glance around the restaurant, Stefan leaned in, voice lowered. "I'm pretty sure it's just called 'gay' now." Sometimes he wasn't sure what terms were used for anything anymore. He didn't spend a lot of time thinking about this one. He remembered when it was just sexual deviancy, or when it wasn't talked about at all. It still didn't exactly fit though. He'd only ever had a benign interest in men in the past. Mostly a distraction borne out of loneliness and buried feelings about his brother. If he were honest with himself, no one ever really measured up to Damon. So why bother?

"I've turned you _gay_ then?"

Stefan leaned back again, eyes bright. "I'm not interested in _men_ , dumbass. I'm interested in _you_." He knocked his knee against Damon's leg under the table catching his foot around Damon's ankle.

"But you've been with men." Damon narrowed one eye, hazarding a guess.

"A bit of practice." Feeling bold, Stefan smiled back. He dragged the toe of his other foot along Damon's calf.

"Practice in case we…" Damon trailed off, eyes widening.

Stefan's gaze didn't waver. There was no sense in being shy about it now, but the desperation of those moments, the need that overwhelmed him in the time they spent apart was still painful. "Yes." He reached forward, sliding his fingers along Damon's arm. "I thought about you, about your inability to discern between age or gender or availability when you wanted something. There were times…" Damon needed to know how much Stefan thought about being with him. But he hesitated, not knowing how to explain those moments until the words were already spilling out. "I wanted to know what it might be like for you. Maybe try to convince myself it wasn't because I wanted to be _with_ you." His finger drew tiny circles along Damon's wrist, pebbling the skin. He smiled. "Interested in knowing what I've experienced?"

"Maybe when we get home." Damon looked down suddenly, turning his palm up to brush along Stefan's.

If Stefan didn't know better, he'd swear his big brother was nervous. Like he hadn't been subjected to hundreds of Damon's wild stories throughout his whole fucking life.

Their waitress came by with two cups of coffee, smile growing as her eyes fell to where their hands held onto each other. "What can I get you boys to eat?"

Damon glanced up, blinking quickly. "Two tall stacks, extra crispy bacon please." He pushed the menus into her hands and stood up. "Take your time. We'll be back in a few." He looked at Stefan and beckoned him with a wave. "Come with me."

Nodding, she walked towards the kitchen, scribbling in her notepad.

Stefan rose slowly as he watched Damon, not sure what to expect.

"Just one little bite, before we eat." Damon started talking fast, taking Stefan's hand as he led them towards the door. "I'll pick someone up out there. To show you."

"No." Stefan panicked, freezing even as Damon tugged on his arm. "What?"

Stalling long enough to look back at him, Damon pleaded. "I need you to come outside."

He shook his head. This was what Damon wanted to teach him? "I don't know if I can, Damon."

"Of course you can." Damon stepped closer, lowering his voice "Please. Let me show you how it will be."

The idea beat inside Stefan's chest. Trust. He trusted his brother. He wanted to. He did. "Okay." He tightened the grip of their hands, and they walked out the door.

* * *

Three young men stood in the alley. They weren't close enough to the main street for it to be obvious, but they weren't completely hidden either. Stefan languished against the opposite wall, arms curled around his chest, watching Damon and the stranger intently.

Damon widened his eyes, hand brushing down the man's arm. "Don't be scared."

"'M not." He responded in a compelled daze.

"One little bite and we're done."

The man nodded, eyes vacant and body calm.

"You don't mind, right?" Damon tilted his head, speaking softer.

"I don't mind." He repeated.

Damon snorted, whispering more instructions as he turned the man to face the wall. Damon went towards Stefan, whose eyes were dark and riveted to Damon.

"I meant you." His expression was soft and concerned. He held out his hand. "Come closer, brother. You don't even have to touch him."

With a deep breath, Stefan put his hand in his brother's and closed the distance between them.

"There are places people notice marks on the skin." Damon pulled Stefan close, his free hand gesturing to the third man, who obediently stood still, staring at the wall. "When they look at themselves in the mirror, when their partners undress them. If your not careful, blank spots where memories are supposed to be start eating away at people, and annoying questions come up."

Damon leaned in, kissing Stefan's neck under his jaw. "This spot is for claiming someone." He smiled. "But you've always had a penchant for that cliché." He slid his hands over Stefan's shoulders, and down to his waist. "The chest, or shoulder is a good place to keep your own secret, but it's also a good place for when you want someone to get in a little trouble when they get home."

Stefan leaned into the touch. It was difficult not to. "You once covered Caroline in bites. Why do you bother hiding them at all?"

With a small nod, Damon brushed his thumb under Stefan's chin. "You were supposed to notice. Even after Elena told you, it took forever for you to do anything about it."

Stefan realized he was shaking. Each plane Damon brushed his hand over woke every nerve under his skin. How did his brother always have so much control? His mouth watered and gums felt swollen. "Just do it already."

Ignoring him, Damon kept his hands moving, sliding down Stefan's arms to his wrists. "The arms and legs are useable, but still bring up a lot of questions."

"Damon. Come on, please." He tried to steady his breathing. The man with them wasn't afraid, so Stefan tried to remind himself he had no reason to be either.

His brother relaxed his hold on Stefan's wrists, and took his hand instead. He regarded the man's back carefully. "Have you noticed my pattern, yet? Do you understand who I choose when I bring them out here?"

Stefan shook his head. "Women mostly. Youngish men, like this one. Not well put together, sort of... " He tried to focus more on what the people Damon walked away with could have possibly had in common. It was difficult to remember when he spent so much time trying not to think about them. About what Damon had been doing with them instead of him. He knew about bite marks. He'd seen the destruction his teeth had caused on countless bodies.

Learning how to hide the bites, understanding how people moved on after being fed from, memories erased, was never something he worried about because he never wanted to get that far in his feeding. That's how it always went wrong. His attention was stolen as the anticipation of blood overshadowed his mind.

"Shaggy haired hipsters." Damon supplied.

"What?" Stefan looked up in a daze.

"So much fucking hair, no one can see it. People don't look at the backs of their own heads, and partners don't usually pay much attention to the area."

Stefan stared as Damon stood beside the man and pulled the hair to the side, exposing the nape of his neck. "Live and fresh and a toasty 98 degrees means we don't actually need much." He wet his lips, and pressed his mouth against the man's neck.

There was a pop of Damon's teeth breaking skin and the immediate metallic aroma filtering through the air. Stefan heard the flex of his brother's throat on the first swallow, and the soft whimper of the man. It didn't matter that he was compelled to not be scared, or even know that he was being hurt. Stefan's vision was suddenly clouded by images of the girl on Damon's bed, spread out before him as Damon covered himself in her blood.

His whole face went dark. The hunger overwhelmed him and he lurched forward, arm stretched out. "Enough!" He pulled Damon back with both hands, using his brother as a shield between himself and the bleeding man. "Fuck. I can't."

Instead of being upset, or any of the annoyed feelings Stefan expected, Damon pushed them both away from their captive. He took a step toward Stefan; surprising him so much he took a step back, and another until he was squeezed between Damon and the opposite wall.

"You don't want me touching him?" Damon smirked, stroking his hands over Stefan's sides.

This was the test then. If Stefan could hold back while Damon fed, making biting someone look easy and fucking normal. Snatch. Eat. Erase. As if their past of feeding together, binging and tearing people apart on a whim wasn't something that haunted Stefan's own nightmares. He could hear the steady pulse of the bleeding man only a few yards away from them. Calling him in like a tribal drum.

They weren't those monsters. Damon had control, and Stefan tried paying attention.

Damon didn't move, gripping Stefan tight by the waist and keeping them in place. A strong protective wall Stefan could lean against.

"I don't want him here." Stefan panted, trying not to breathe in the scent. But his focus snapped, the scent was stronger where the blood clung to Damon's lips. The blood he was allowed. He licked at his brother's lips. White noise rung in Stefan's ears as he pulled Damon closer to lick deeper into his mouth and sweep up the taste. "I want this." He panted, eyes burning with shame and hunger. The little bit of strength at the meager sample flickered through his body, lighting up his nerves, and tingling where Damon pressed against him.

"Yeah." Damon tightened his grip, sliding them another step away. "Maybe we need break this down a little bit more first." He wet his lips. "We can work our way up to you licking my body clean of their blood." The challenge in his eyes wasn't entirely teasing.

"Shut up." Stefan exhaled, dropping his head to Damon's shoulder. "That isn't funny." His hands on Damon's shoulders squeezed tighter as he subconsciously tried to move closer to the man again. His brother was still stronger, and for once Stefan was grateful.

"No, baby. I know." Damon said with clear understanding, with more traces of regret than judgment.

Stefan flinched. Something about the soft endearment made him feel better, warmer. Damon was really looking out for him. Raising his head, the fight drained out of Stefan. His grip loosened as his control found it's footing. He panted a heavy breath, imagining his brother lain out in front of him. Dragging his tongue over all the dips and curves of his body. Wanting to more than he wanted to breathe.

"Am I really that person?" Stefan sighed, swallowing hard. "How do I change?"

"No. You're a vampire." Damon's assured voice cut through the ringing in Stefan's head. "The only thing that changes is you let yourself have everything you've always wanted. What you actually need. And I get to be there to rein you in. It'd be my privilege to watch you grow stronger."

Stefan breathed in deep. His hands were balled up into fists on Damon's shoulders, his brother's hands still hanging onto his hips. Damon had always been the root of Stefan's strength. The defiant pillar that refused to be broken throughout the storm. Stefan laughed, breathless. His face was tight, he knew still dark with the monster. The brick dug into his back and the noise and people out on the street suddenly didn't sound far enough away. His focus leveled on Damon's eyes. _Trust. Trust. Trust._

He exhaled, trying not to glance at the stranger's neck. "Can we go? I'm not eager to see your mouth on someone else."

Damon hummed and tightened his fingers over the wings of Stefan's hips. "And where are you eager to see my mouth?"

"I have a few ideas." Stefan smiled, eyes starting to clear. "He has to go though."

Damon pressed his lips against Stefan's temple. "You need to learn."

He understood there was a warning in his brother's tone. He wished for the ten-billionth time control were easier. "I know." Stefan tugged at the collar of Damon's shirt. "But I've already had more non-animal blood in the last twenty four hours than I've had in the last six months. Give me a break. It'll take me thirty years."

"Hardly." Damon shook his head. "You aren't going from one extreme to the other. If you really trust me and let me help you, it'll be better." He slid his hand over Stefan's shoulder. "You aren't off the rails now. You don't have to go from one extreme to the other. You'll let me help you find your balance, right?"

The decision was important. There was a different future on the other side of either answer.

Stefan leaned in with a wry smile staring at Damon's lips. "Yes."

With a leering grin, Damon pulled back before Stefan's kiss landed. "Do you really prefer their blood when it's dripping from my body?"

Exhaling slowly, Stefan moved his hand from Damon's collar to the back of his neck. Like that image wouldn't be seared into his brain for the rest of eternity. If they were really being honest? "Maybe." He glanced up to gauge his brother's reaction.

He expected Damon's arrogant sneer about being right. But naturally, Damon diverted his expectations with a stunned stupid laugh.

"Okay, deal." Damon looked over his shoulder, not letting go of Stefan. "Hey! Turn around, dude."

Still in a compelled daze, the man turned to face them. His eyes were glazed over but he found Damon's immediately.

"Go away, the sound you heard in the alley turned out to be nothing interesting. You've forgotten why you even came back here. You need to go back to where ever you were going."

"The blood on his neck?" Stefan asked, glancing back to the man.

Rolling his eyes, Damon shook his head. "I've no one to piss off anymore. The bite was barely a few pinpricks that have already closed up. I could do more, give him my blood to cover bigger marks like I did for that girl, but he'll heal on his own. Practically erased."

Blinking a few times, the man walked away from them. By the time he made it to the main street his eyes were clear and he left without looking back.

Damon turned back to Stefan. "You have me all to yourself now."

"You still piss me off." Stefan let out an annoyed laugh and a matching spark in his eyes. He tightened his hold on Damon's neck, pulling him close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, the next two chapters are basically just porn *yay*


	45. Fly Right Into My Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The brother's thing should matter, right?"

So many people think we've got it wrong  
They'll try to break us but we won't play along  
So let's get down and dirty baby  
Let's get restless baby  
[Loving You – Paolo Nutini](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy7mDSOAxvE&index=45&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc)

* * *

"It's the middle of the day." Stefan pursed his lips as they pulled into the driveway.

Damon snorted. "Don't lose courage now, brother." His feigned bravado was impressive as ever but his eyes were hesitant as he took his hand away from Stefan's leg.

Stefan looked down at the space between them and back up. "The _brother's_ thing should matter, right?"

"Don't pretend that isn't at least part of the appeal." Damon scratched at the back of his neck and turned the car off. Of the gray morality he composed his life around, the fact that they were brothers didn't even cast a shadow on anything. He smirked at Stefan's surprise.

"We're many things." Damon jangled the keys in his hands before crossing his arms. "If you think we can just be brothers now…"

"No." Stefan shook his head. "I don't want to go back. I just… What the hell do we do now?" Stefan whispered as he pulled Damon's arms loose and slid closer. There was a promising brightness in his eyes that made Damon sit straighter, unconsciously wetting his lip.

"When was your last drink?"

Stefan stilled, looking at him with curiosity. "The dance. Me and Ric…"

"So you're sober now?" Damon cut him off, ideas building.

Looking slightly aghast, Stefan tilted his head. "Aren't you?"

The answer was obvious. They'd been together all day. Damon smiled. "Obnoxiously so."

Stefan rolled his eyes. "I'm sober enough."

Remembering the other conversation, Damon bit his lip, trying not to grin. "Enough for what?"

Leering at him, Stefan fell towards him. "To remember this is what I wanted tomorrow morning."

"Well then." Like changing the channel, Damon started leaning in close. "We've been making out in public all morning. So now, we go inside and stop holding back." His eyes fell to Stefan mouth. "And you touch me, anyway you've ever wanted to."

Stefan blew out a breath. "You know," Stefan started, drumming his fingers on Damon's thigh. "I have been thinking about that."

* * *

"I can't believe you wanted to do this. You have no idea how much I've thought about this since the first time. Since before that."

There had been no preamble, not that Damon wanted soft touches and gentle exploration, but Stefan had looked at him with eyes full of hunger, and fuck yeah, there'd already been an entire lifetime of foreplay to get them to this point. He watched amazed as Stefan took him and he knew there'd be time for the rest of it later.

Damon's hand combed through Stefan's hair, easy since his little brother had been kneeling in front of him. Stefan eyes fell closed, kept the pressure steady and rhythm smooth as his mouth slid on Damon's cock. His hands held firmly on Damon's hips, keeping them still. Stefan had all the control here and he took full advantage of it, making these sweet little sounds Damon could feel reverberate through him.

They had barely moved off his bed. Damon sat on the edge with his legs spread enough for Stefan to get his mouth around Damon's dick and he wanted to be spread out, to feel Stefan lined up against his entire body, but fuck if he was going to be the first person to pull away.

Stefan seemed rather determined to finish the job anyway. His hand came up to crook a finger behind Damon's balls, already tight against his body. He pulled off just enough to dig the tip of his tongue into the leaking slit at the head before sliding back down and _oh, OH, yes_.

"Oh shit," Damon grunted as Stefan took him deeper. Damon's back shook, he hadn't realized he had bent so far over, cradling Stefan's head. He couldn't keep his hips from snapping then, the tightness promised by the back of Stefan's throat cried out to him. But he tried to resist, fear of hurting his little brother, of ruining what they had barely started. He tried to let the one hand Stefan still had on his hip steady him.

Until he felt teeth.

"Hey!"

Stefan pulled off enough then, eyes lust-blown, and a smirk playing at his swollen lips as he licked them.

"Stop being such a bitch and fuck my mouth already." He leaned in, brushed his lips gently over the place his teeth left pink marks in the blood engorged flesh, and blinked up at Damon, feigning innocence.

"Huh," Damon barely choked out a laugh, scraping his hand over his eyes. If he thought Stefan was hot before, the dark challenge in his eyes made him light up like an inferno. "I'm trying to go easy on you."

"Why start now?" Stefan deadpanned, brushing his finger between Damon's legs and sliding further up towards his hole _almost_ as if the movement wasn't on purpose.

This definitely wasn't Stefan's first time giving head, but Damon had no idea why he never knew Stefan was out there experimenting. Stefan had almost always been a serial monogamist, except when he went Ripper, but even then Damon thought he knew all his brother's rigidly straight relationships.

Stefan looked slightly amused at the mini road trip Damon's mind took, his thumb getting in on the action of manipulating Damon's sac. "I can go gentler if that's what you want."

"No!" Burst out of him too loud, he laughed meekly again, embarrassed, brushing his hands behind Stefan's ears as he stood up. "No, babe, we're done pretending to be nice guys right?"

Stefan smiled with unexpected confidence and returned to stroking and mouthing at Damon's tip like he was just feeding off it. When Damon froze, concentrating on not immediately exploding, Stefan growled, and grabbed Damon's hands, moving them to the back of his head. The angle was better, the control more what he was used to; at least for the brief moment it lasted. With a strong tug on Damon's hips, Stefan surprised him again by swallowing his entire length till the head trapped in Stefan's throat.

"Oh fuck." Damon panted, doing what he could to keep his eyes focused, watching his heavy cock stretch his little brother's mouth open. He was ruined. It could only be this forever; only Stefan, or he just may never get hard again.

Where the hell did Stefan get so good at this? He shook the thought out before it drove him crazy. It felt so fucking incredible, it didn't matter anyway. He bit his lip, realizing he was making those noises too. Stefan was never going to do this for another person if Damon had anything to say about it.

With encouragement, and rapidly declining control, Damon's hips slammed forward again, stealing one more inch of Stefan's throat before snapping back again. He thought about pausing a second to let them adjust, thought about it, tried to think about it, no, his hips were moving on their own, his hands manipulating Stefan's head over his flesh and Stefan may have grunted, but then he kept making these little sounds of pleasure. Kinky bitch.

Stefan's tongue was doing wonders, applying more pressure, flicking over the crown when it got close enough. How the hell had Damon gone so long without doing this with him? How the hell did Stefan know all his triggers?

He felt his heart rhythm change when Stefan's eyes were on his again.

That earnest teenager that was Damon's best friend when they were growing up was still looking back at him, and suddenly Damon realized. He told Stefan, at one point or another, exactly how he got off, what he liked, who did it best. It had been a tease, so long ago, to make his sensitive brother blush. Even then he liked to get Stefan excited, to let him in on a whole other world before their father's influence stuck. And maybe Damon got a cheap second hand pleasure out of the retelling.

It was _not_ instructions. At least, not intentionally...

But hallelujah for Stefan's memory keeping.

Maybe there was a journal somewhere Damon hadn't read where Stefan made his notes hoping this day would come. Stefan hadn't been kidding when he said he chased after Damon from the start. Waited all this fucking time.

"I fucking love you, Stef."

Stefan's eyes shone bright, cheeks hollowing as his lips closed tighter around Damon and his tongue did – _whatthefuckwasthat_ —making his spine sizzle. He couldn't stop himself; his insides melted and pulsed out across Stefan's tongue. Damon arched into it, one hand still cradling the base of Stefan head with his knees braced against Stefan's chest and shoulders, keeping him from falling.

He panted, bones useless, but he somehow kept from crumpling into a pile.

Stefan didn't say anything, just looked up at him with a question in his eyes.

Damon nodded. "Hell yeah, let's see it." He brushed a thumb over Stefan's lips as his mouth parted, presenting the milky whiteness on his tongue. Stefan kept his gaze and Damon watched, mesmerized by the flex of his throat before Stefan revealed his empty mouth.

"Come here." Damon fell back, tugging Stefan on top of him on the bed.

"You know I love you, right?" Stefan nudged closer.

The glow of pleasure and relief flared infinitely bright in Damon's chest. He tipped his head against Stefan's, nose brushing against his cheek. "Again."

Stefan pressed his hips forward as his legs bent over his brother's thighs. "I love you, Damon. Always."

Body still tingling, he held on loosely as Stefan curled beside him letting the heat linger between them. Damon slid his hand down between their bodies, a sticky wetness smearing over his fingers. Stefan stilled and pulled back, eyes heavy lidded.

"Well I was going to help you along, but uh…"

"Um, yeah" Stefan glowed, eyes still intense. "I sorta, already..."

Damon's eyebrows shot up. "When?" He couldn't help but grin. His brother was so fucking beautiful.

"When you took control." Stefan licked his lips and dropped his head to Damon's shoulder. "I really liked it."

With a quiet huff Damon leaned his head back. "Kinky bitch."

Looking back up at him, Stefan tried not to smile. "If I am, that is because of you."

"Water break?" Damon suggested, too stunned and drained to make more words.

Stefan grinned, eyes dancing. "Oh, I'm ready to keep going whenever you are."

"You're hard again?" Lifting his head, Damon looked down the cut lines of Stefan's body. Sure enough, his brother's cock jutted towards him, solid as steel and leaking.

"Still" Stefan corrected. "Also because of you."

He let his head fall back and inhaled deeply. He had forgotten what it was like with vampires. The measureless time that stretched out before them and all the possibilities flooded his imagination. He'd never actually wanted to be with one long enough to figure out how long they took to be satisfied. If that was even possible. This was going to be fun. "In-fucking-satiable."

With a playful smirk, Stefan shook his head. "Oh, blow me, Damon."

One eyebrow shot up as a slow smile spread across Damon's face. "Thought you'd never ask."


	46. Make a Supersonic Man Out of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Touch me. Please Damon."
> 
> "I am touching you."
> 
> (nsfw banner art and then so much porn)

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time  
I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out - yeah  
And floating around in ecstasy  
So don't stop me now don't stop me  
'Cause I'm having a good time  
[Don't Stop Me Now – Queen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=46)

* * *

Damon trailed slow kisses along Stefan's chest, around his navel and over his hips, careful to avoid touching the throbbing cock tapping against Stefan's stomach. The precome pooling in the dips of Stefan's abs was sticky against Damon's lips, entirely tasting of Stefan. He dragged his tongue over the shaft, guided by the sensitive veins, flicking the tip of his tongue against the ridge of the leaking head.

"Fuck." Stefan gasped, "Touch me. Please, Damon."

"I am touching you." Damon laughed dark and teasing as he licked over Stefan's skin.

Stefan shook his head, bending his knees so his feet were flat on the bed, spreading his legs wider. "No, I mean, touch me. Your fingers, or mouth, fuck, please, _something_."

The pleading was hot as fuck. Raising his head, Damon looked down at the space opened up to him, the promising ring of muscle clenching around nothing. His little brother's eyes were needy and heavy as he brought Damon's hand between his legs. He brushed a finger along Stefan's entrance, thinking about it with just the tip of his finger. He never wanted to be inside someone as badly as he wanted to tear into his brother. Had Stefan's practice extended that far? He begged silently to gods he didn't believe in that could his baby brother pretty please hold this back from everyone else, all for Damon to tarnish in this one last way.

Suddenly Katherine's voice rang in his head, _'And here I thought you just wanted to stick it to your brother'_ and Damon panicked. No, this wasn't something he was going to just take. He moved his hands down Stefan's thighs, feeling the muscles quake beneath them.

"Wait. Get up."

Stefan looked up at him, love and lust starting to cloud in confusion.

He kissed Stefan hard, speaking against his lips. "I've decided you're going to fuck me first."

Stefan’s hands buried in Damon's hair. He didn't let go, or nod, or speak. Just opened his eyes, just for a second, and looked up at Damon through his lashes. A fuzzy memory of a dream hit him and Damon almost fell back with the sparkling want he saw.

"Yeah, I'll be the best fuck of your life." He let one hand rest on Stefan's hip as they moved to a sitting position while the other hand reached for the drawer beside them. "Want you so fucking bad, baby boy. Make it so you don't have to hold back, because I can take it. You should know what that feels like."

"Are you sure?" Stefan breathed against him.

"Yeah. Yes." Damon nodded frantically, letting his body relax as Stefan sat back against the headboard. "You said you've always been mine. I want to be yours too."

* * *

Holy hell. He was going to fuck his big brother. He never thought… The corners of his lips twitched, still tingling from stretching around Damon's cock. He wanted to do this, so badly his chest ached, but in all his ideas building up to this moment, he assumed he'd get to know what Damon would feel like inside of him.

Stefan fumbled for the open drawer, searching for what he'd been sure had to be there. Instead what he came up with were flat square packages. "Condoms?"

"Not for you." Damon balked and smacked them out of his hand.

Stefan let it go. Why his brother had them, he didn't want to know. It's not like vampires carried STD's, and more than anything he wanted to feel everything.

Damon's expression grew dark and needy. His lips dragged over Stefan's shoulder as his hand rubbed down Stefan's tense stomach. Stefan heard the snick of a plastic lid closing as Damon revealed a small bottle of lube. "This what you want?"

Stefan turned the bottle around in his hand, looking back at Damon. "Did you…"

A small nod, and Damon took the bottle back and dropped it in the drawer. "Don't want to waste any more time."

"Mm, good." Stefan reached for Damon's waist instead, pulling him over his lap. There was no other way he'd wanted to do this. Not this time. "I want to see you."

Another moment of Damon straddling him, this time, everything Stefan ever hoped to believe shining in his big brother's eyes. Damon's hand was slick, stroking Stefan's eager cock. Damon pressed their foreheads together. "You don't even need this do you? Already so wet for me."

"And are you ready for me?" Stefan asked quietly. _Mine_. He thought. _Are you ready to be mine?_

"Seems like years now." Damon nodded, changing his grip as he guided Stefan's tip to his entrance.

That was all the encouragement Stefan needed. The slick kiss of his cock against Damon's ready hole was the only thing Stefan felt for what seemed like minutes before his hands on Damon's hips tightened, and the next thing he knew Damon was fully seated onto him.

Damon's eyes were wide, mouth fallen open in surprise.

"Not holding back, right?" Stefan met him with a hint of hesitation; suddenly worried he had done something wrong by acting too recklessly. But it was hard to think about anything as Damon clenched around him. Damon nodded, curling his hands around Stefan's neck.

"I know what you're capable of." Damon breathed out with an amazed smile. He pressed their lips together and shifted his hips, dragging a groan out of Stefan. "Let me have it."

* * *

Damon was flying.

Or, felt like it at least, his body straining a foot off the mattress. Damon tightened his grip on the headboard, holding himself up as Stefan kneeled on the bed. Stefan's face was intense, flexing hard as he held Damon's legs over his arms and pounded relentlessly into him. Fuck. He had had no idea at all that Stefan was capable of this.

He'd never felt so full before. Not just the obvious, even though he had to take note that his little brother's cock was a perfect fit. In that sense, his body was so full he may still choke on it, but Stefan's hold on him was sure, confident. Stefan knew he was good at this and Damon couldn't tell who was moaning anymore. The pounding pressure on that sensitive bundle of nerves rang through his body.

But it was Stefan's eyes, watching him carefully, making sure it was good, that each groan was pleasure and not pain, or the wrong pain. He knew Stefan had been faking all that noise with Elena. He could hear the growls and sighs echoing mostly in his head. Stefan's eyes were dark, pleased and pleasing, enjoying himself as much as Damon was, and fuck, he was beautiful.

His brother's gaze was unmistakable. Stefan fucking loved him.

He got it, now. Stefan's girlfriends, the monogamy, all of it. They were fucking morons to give him up without a fight.

* * *

Stefan's torso bowed upwards off the dining room table, as Damon's lips trailed slowly up his chest. The feathery whispers were almost reverent as he worshiped Stefan's body. His brother's lips were surprisingly soft, even the wet tip of his tongue felt like silk on Stefan's skin. Damon's hands brought him back down, gently still, touching him and assuring him. He wanted to wrap around Damon like a cocoon, build their own little world where nothing mattered but this.

Damon's finger brushed against his clenching hole, finger slick.

With a sharp inhale Stefan gripped onto his brother's shoulder.

"Can I…" Damon studied him intently, looking for the answer before Stefan could say anything.

He nodded frantically. "Please."

Damon leaned against him, kissing him with distracting teeth that didn't distract at all as Damon's finger pressed inside him.

"Yeah." Stefan shuddered, adjusting his hips. "I always wanted it to be you."

With a hand on both his knees, Damon's eyes shone and he smiled wide as he crawled between Stefan's legs.

* * *

 _We're wasting a lot of water,_ passed through Damon's head briefly as he rubbed his hand down Stefan's slick arms. They could turn it off but then they'd just be fucking in a dry shower.

"Leave it running," Stefan shuddered, hands braced against the tiled wall as Damon moved inside him. "Just in case I mess up."

Damon didn't know why he was surprised.

"You won't mess up. Just focus on me." He leaned over Stefan's back, eliciting a pretty moan out of his brother's mouth. Ah that fucking mouth. He didn't even care if they got blood everywhere; it was worth it for this.

He brought his forearm close but Stefan kept his lips tightly closed. Damon thrust his hips hard making Stefan gasp, and pulled his arm tight to Stefan's open mouth. "I'm not moving again until you take a little."

Stefan groaned against his arm, sucking at the wet skin.

Damon had seen his brother on the road to recovery enough times to know what Stefan was thinking. But he was already so proud of the kid. Even knowing the progress would be slow Stefan was willing to _try_. They could make this life together work. Stefan needed to know Damon would be there.

"I trust you, baby." He waited a beat, sighed as he felt the sharp prick of Stefan's teeth.

* * *

Stefan inhaled the first mouthful, smacking his hands against the wall as he pushed his ass back against Damon's hips.

Damon wrapped his other arm around Stefan's waist, stroking over his cock as it hardened in his brother's hand. The blood rolled over Damon's arm, but Stefan's tongue was lapping at his skin, mewling softly as Damon started moving inside him, and around him, drowning him in sensations. His concentration was completely scattered, which was probably the point, but he felt the power and strength race through him.

Stefan panted, pulling back on a gasp as Damon's hand tightened around his throbbing cock. With that brief break Damon's arm was gone. Stefan licked at his lips, savoring each drop.

"My good boy." Damon whispered, lips brushing against Stefan's ear. "Maybe all you needed was the proper motivation."

With a dark laugh Stefan dropped his head, letting the cold water run off his face, his skin on fire and being extinguished at the same time. "Maybe." He pushed back against Damon again, getting a satisfying grunt out of his brother. He was still hungry. Maybe he always would be hungry for Damon. That didn't seem like such a bad thing. If he could trust Damon to fuck him, he thought maybe trusting Damon to feed him wouldn't be so bad either.

"Let me dry you off, I've thought of a way to reward you." Damon chuckled against Stefan's back.

* * *

Stefan breathed heavily, his whole body shaking with exertion. "What the hell, man… am I sweating?"

Licking wide over his lips, Damon laughed breathlessly. He could taste the salt on Stefan's skin; feel the tense flex of his arms holding Damon a few feet off the ground. He banged his head back against the wall. His leg tightened over Stefan's waist, trying to keep them at the right angle without slipping. "Feel how good it is? Not holding back."

Damon was exhausted, and ravenous, but he'd never felt so alive. Every time Stefan reentered him, dug his fingers into Damon's back, bit playfully at his lip, Damon's body thrummed, aching for more. Stefan seemed happy to oblige with no real care about their balance. They started to slide down to the ground.

Fuck, he had no idea sex could feel this way.

"Is it always going to be like this?" Stefan panted. At least he shared Damon's insight. He pulled out again, still hard, dragging his mouth across Damon's chest. They struggled to find a semi-comfortable position caught between the floor and the wall beside the stairs. Stefan crawled on top of Damon and gathered their cocks in one hand, squeezing and stroking them together.

Words were impossible with the tightness of Stefan's grip. Damon shook his head and shrugged. He felt his balls clench and couldn't even muster a cry of relief before hot wet pulses started spilling erratically over Stefan's hand as his body burned.

Stefan hummed and let go, rubbing a hand over his softening dick. He sighed deeply as he spread out on the floor beside Damon. "I don't think there's anything left in me." He wiped his arm over his face and reached towards Damon's hand.

Damon couldn't make his shoulders move. He was pretty sure his insides were entirely putty and expecting anything more from them was ridiculous. He managed to hook a pinky over one of Stefan's fingers.

"Finally." Damon huffed, following spots dancing across his vision.

Chuckling softly, Stefan slid closer, lacing their fingers together. "I love you so fucking much."

"Mmm," Damon sighed, too satiated to do anything more. "That's good, because I think you broke me."

"What?" Stefan jolted upwards.

Suddenly the cracks in the ceiling Damon was trying to focus on blurred away, and it was the ground he stared at instead. He flopped his arms out, patting the floor, trying to get his bearings. Stefan's hands carefully touched his back, down the crease of his ass and over his thighs.

"I didn't mean literally." Damon said softly, folding his arms under his head while he enjoyed the pleasant touches against his tingling skin.

Stefan moved in closer, rubbing his hands along Damon's back. "You're okay?"

He muscles were already loose and pliant without Stefan massaging his shoulders. But he wasn't protesting. "'M so good." Damon dragged himself over, nuzzling against Stefan. That was the difference. Damon had never loved anyone this way, with the growing confidence that the feeling was returned with the same ferocity. They were matched in so many ways. They could be careful or reckless with each other and he knew they'd be okay.

"How about you?" Damon looked Stefan over, trying to find a lie in Stefan's eyes. "How do you feel?"

"Alive." Stefan replied without hesitation. His whole face seemed to glow with satisfaction.

"You love me." Damon whispered, hiding his smile against Stefan's arm.

"I do." Stefan nodded, the crease between his eyebrows starting to form.

"This is real." Damon touched the spot on Stefan's forehead, smoothing out the wrinkle with his thumb. "We're real."

"This is." Stefan's expression softened, closing his eyes as Damon carefully brushed fingertips over his face. "We are."

"I love you too." Damon leaned over, kissing at the corner of Stefan's lips. "Particularly that mouth of yours."

"Yeah." Stefan opened his eyes and tilted enough for their lips to connect. "I can tell."

"We're really good at this." With a solemn nod, Damon tucked his chin over Stefan's shoulder.

"Well, it had to be something." He kissed Damon's neck, tickling the small space below his ear. "I'm glad it was this."

* * *

"What the hell?"

"You can't honestly be that surprised."

Elena turned with wide furious eyes. "Are you serious?"

"Come on," Katherine shrugged, tilting her head as she stood in front of one of the windows of the Salvatore house. "They've been dancing around this for years." She glanced over at Elena's obvious shock. “You didn't really think it was about you, did you?"

"But they're brothers!" Elena whispered harshly like saying it louder would make it worse. 

"I know right?" Katherine smiled a small wistful thing as she looked through the window again. Her boys sprawled out naked and exhausted in the middle of the foyer made her awfully proud of herself. She hadn't even brought Elena for the throws of it, just this sweet afterglow. They didn't seem to notice the döppelgangers standing outside. 

"How long?" Elena asked quietly.

"They’d never intentionally hurt you, honey. You know that." 

Biting her lip, Elena’s anger seemed to weaken as she stared at them. "I don't think I know them at all." 

Katherine nodded. "True." She watched Damon grab Stefan’s ass, almost, but not quite glancing at the window where they stood. She smiled. A pang of what once was flickered inside her chest and she pulled Elena's arm to guide the girl away and leave her boys in the peace they deserved. "Things will be better this way." 

Elena followed in silence.

* * *

Dawn eventually peeked through the windows. They settled with Damon laying half way on top of Stefan, with Stefan's leg wrapped over Damon's waist. They nestled in close, trying to fit together on the couch. 

"You have to be exhausted. I am very very tired and you're the one who has barely slept."

Damon reached over Stefan's shoulder and found his phone on the side table, tapping it on. "Hm. Yeah I guess it's been a few days." He pushed the phone away again.

"Even more so." Stefan combed his fingers through Damon's hair where his head rested on Stefan's stomach. "It's not just this we have to make up for, okay? Just go to sleep and let me be here with you. We're a few nights off our routine." He tightened his legs around Damon, holding him in place.

"There are too many things I want to do with you before I sleep." Damon mumbled against Stefan's skin.

Stefan laughed, Damon's arms around his waist constricting the movement. "We've done a lot so far." Far more than he thought his body was capable of in the last few hours, but then, Damon was literally the fucking expert. "I'll still be here when you wake up."

"Sure?" Damon asked quietly.

"No more leaving." Stefan promised, letting his eyes fall shut and fingers trail across Damon's neck.

 


	47. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, look at the years going by  
> No, troubles come into your life  
> Oh, now that you finally have found the end
> 
> The end.  
> The end is all we need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you for going on this journey with me. You can't believe how much I appreciate all your support and likes and reviews. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in my obsession with these boys. ;) The last song is called As I Lay My Head Down by Other Lives.

   
[As I Lay My Head Down – Other Lives](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zy13X7n0t7Q&list=PLBdkvU5utc8Y_7r4thwDGu_vneLCPkBzc&index=47)

* * *

"I'm exhausted." Stefan murmured, rolling over onto his side. He propped his head up on one hand and looked Damon over.

Damon crossed his arms behind his head, arching up as his back popped in a cathartic stretch down to his toes. "What day is it?" He felt unbelievably relaxed; time all blurred into their own private dreamland.

Stefan chuckled. "I have no idea." He scratched through his hair and sighed. "Does it matter?"

"You're really not going back?" Damon studied him as Stefan shook his head.

"No. There's nothing left for me out there."

Stefan didn't seem upset but concern wriggled in Damon.

"Shit. I did ruin your dumb new life, didn't I? I'm so sor—"

"No." Stefan quickly curled over him, stretching his arm over Damon's side. "Don't apologize. When I can have you. It's better."

"You should have everything you want, brother." Damon buried his fingers in Stefan's hair, gently pulling his head up. "Me and whatever friends you like. You deserve _everything_."

"Somehow, I don't think they'll understand this." Stefan smiled softly as he trailed his hand down Damon's chest.

That surprised Damon. He let go of Stefan's head. "Did you plan on telling them?"

Stefan shrugged, sighing before he started sitting up. "I'm not ashamed of us. Secrets don't really last long here anyway. Caroline knows. She smelled you on me. That's not going away."

A surge of ridiculous pride hit Damon but he resisted grinning. He suddenly wanted to rub himself all over Stefan to make damn sure everyone else could tell Stefan was his too. "Ric knows." He watched Stefan carefully as he sat up next his brother. He pulled on the sheet tangled around them and leaned against Stefan's side. "So does Katherine, but she’s probably gone by now."

Stefan didn't seem surprised by either admission. "So her guardian and best friend know." He pursed his lips. "Then there's Katherine who may go all Katherine on us. It's only a matter of time before Elena knows. If she doesn't already." 

Damon considered that for a moment before deciding he didn't really care. "I'm not sure it matters. We're already blood-sucking monsters, right? And not only are the children barely human themselves, but they don't care about what I do until it somehow affects them. Would this really make a difference?"

"It'll hurt her." Stefan tipped his head, watching Damon's fingers splay across his thigh. "She learned to tolerate the blood, and get over the deaths we've caused. People they cared about. I don't…" Stefan sighed. "I don't think she'll forgive either of us for abandoning her to be with each other. After everything she's given up, and everyone she's lost." He eyes fell to Damon's. "And when Elena is upset, Bonnie and Caroline get involved."

Damon shuddered. "Do you want to leave then? Start over somewhere else for her sake?" His fingertip started making circles against Stefan's skin. "They'll need our help again eventually."

Nodding, Stefan agreed. "I offered, but maybe they won't need to. Their lives seemed okay before we got involved. Most of them are so different now. They're all so much stronger."

"Yeah maybe." Damon groaned and pushed himself back. "This town, man. It's a fucking gauntlet."

"Maybe we leave for a while." Stefan shrugged again, turning slightly so he was between Damon's legs. "You and I have other houses."

"Well, this is our home, Stefan." Damon sat up against the headboard, pulling Stefan's back to his chest. "No one is going to change that."

"No." Stefan leaned against him. "This is just a place I keep my stuff. Some memories I'd rather forget." He smiled softly, running his fingers along Damon's hands where they were wrapped around him. "You're my home, and I'm yours. Because when we didn't know what we were looking for, this is where we always found each other. But as long as we leave together…"

"If we leave, that makes it real."

Stefan nodded. "We are real. You see that by now, don't you?"

Running his hands down Stefan's arms, Damon leaned his head against the back of Stefan's neck and chuckled. "Yes. I'm gonna feel the ache in my ass for days just to remind me."

Stefan leaned away, turning enough to see his face. "I'd think…" Looking at him intently, Stefan narrowed his eyes. "You never actually bottomed for Ric, did you?"

Rolling his eyes, Damon offered a wry smile. "Sure, except for when I didn't." He dismissed the thought with a wave of his hand. "On the rare times we even went as far as…" Damon wrinkled his nose. "Is there a better word than _penetration_?" He shook it off. "But that's why there are condoms around." Damon kept his legs braced tights against Stefan's, not remotely willing for the man to pull away from him. "Ric insisted, thought vamp blood fucked with his ring's abilities, so he worried my jizz inside him would make it inoperable. So it might not have always gone the way I told you."

"What the hell, man." Stefan shook his head. "The shit you say to me." He rested his hands on Damon's knees around him. "Do you know how much those stories, all of them, have fucked me up?" When he looked at Damon again, his eyes shone bright, betraying his complaints.

Damon knew he should feel something other than turned on. Hell, they'd barely paused since they started who even knows how many hours ago. But he was still Stefan's big brother. "A few notebooks worth, I'm betting. Somewhere I haven't looked yet." He smirked.

Damon leaned in close enough for his nose to brush the column of Stefan's neck. "Don't worry, baby boy, I wanted you to fuck me more than I ever thought possible. That's not going to change anytime soon. And being inside of you... my god." Damon nudged Stefan to face him and kissed him hard; happy Stefan met his lips even though he was looking at Damon in surprise. "We have plenty of time to figure out the intricacies and preferences of our coupling. Everyone else was just a fun distraction."

Stefan huffed, the familiar annoyed little brother sigh making Damon smile wider.

"You know Ric is seeing someone, right?"

Nodding, Damon's brow furrowed. "Of course I know. I introduced them." He didn't know what Alaric's availability had to do with anything. He wanted his friend to have a chance at happiness that didn't require Damon to be someone he could never be.

"What?" Stefan seemed surprised. "When?"

"After you took up his place in my bed." Damon thought the answer should have been obvious.

"You... really?"

Damon pulled Stefan back against him. "In my sleep, I was always running to you." His mouth brushed over Stefan’s ear. "What was the point once I got what I wanted?" His teased, keeping his hands tight around Stefan's waist.

Running ticklish fingertips over Damon's arms, Stefan nodded. "We're gonna have to sleep in the same bed every night, I guess. That sleepwalking thing is an expensive problem." He looked back with a smirk of his own. "You're what I want too." Stefan leaned his head onto Damon's shoulder. "Whatever we do, I want it." He tilted just enough to meet Damon's kiss.

Maybe things would settle down between them, maybe they'd get out of the house eventually. There was a pile of shit they had to work through; feeding, and doubts and the trouble this town brought to the people in their life.

But for now, for this, for _him_ , Damon wouldn't trade a thing.

* * *

The umbrella outside the small cafe shaded their table and kept the two vampires from getting too nervous in the bright sunlight. Stefan sipped his cappuccino as his brother stirred sugar into his coffee. When they caught each other's eye Damon leaned forward. "Why me?" He asked with no preamble. "If you and Elena were supposed to be so epic?"

The sudden questions about their relationship were getting fewer and far between. Stefan smirked at him. The reason wasn't really hard to describe. If there had ever been a Pro/Con list, Stefan could rattle off the top ten cons without hesitation. But those didn't outweigh the one shining positive that made his entire life better.

Damon, in all of his facets, loved him.

"Epic is a fad." Stefan held his brother's gaze, reaching for his hand. "You and I are eternal."

* * *

Oh, look at the years going by  
No, troubles come into your life  
Oh, now that you finally have found the end

The end.  
The end is all we need.


End file.
